I’ve been meaning to write something for awhile, but my mind is racing today so here’s my rambling thoughts for you:
Have you ever had one of those days where you have no idea what’s going on in your heart, and no way possibly to explain it? Yeah, that’s today. I’ve been having days like this too often lately.
Days where suddenly, my heart just is overcome with emotion that I can’t control. It’s never visible, but internally I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart and the gut, and I seriously don’t know how to explain it otherwise.
I seriously just feel like something is swallowing me whole. I can’t explain why. Today was a good day! I had only one class, work meeting was fine… and yet soon after I just felt like I was drowning.
I’ve been spilling my heart often as of late. To the people around me, to myself in my journal, to God… I’ve been letting people in more than I ever have before. And if you know me, you know that’s one of the hardest things for me. Getting it out in the open, learning to be vulnerable is not easy. It’s a learning process I’m still trying to get through.
But in short, right now it kinda sucks. It’s causing my heart more grief for some reason. It’s supposed to be giving me more relief! And I know it will… eventually. For now, it’s making me dwell. And wallow. And feel sad, more sad than I’ve felt in awhile. I’m awakening feelings I’ve never let myself feel, and that’s freaking scary. Heck, writing this here right now is scary for me. But for some reason I feel the need to write it out here and not in my journal, because it just felt easier to write it out here.
Between the books I’m reading (darn you, Redeeming Love!), the music that keeps finding its way to my ears, the people that God has been putting in my path for me to open up to… I’ve never had wounds opened so deeply before. It’s terrifying. I’m good at hiding my hurts, but having them out in the open-not so much.
While it’s terrifying now, while it’s causing my heart to ache and hurt, while I don’t understand why I feel this way at this point, I know this:
God is holding me. Lately in my quiet time songs and words about the embrace of God have been coming to my mind… maybe it’s because He knows how I’ve been feeling, and wants me to be reminded that I’m in His arms. All of this heartache that is being brought to the surface is hard, but He holds me- and the weight of it all- in his arms. In the arms of love, the arms that give me life.
And that gives me the strength to just keep breathing, and let His loving embrace bring me fully back to life.