Today’s prompt is value, but i already did that one by accident (oops). So, I’m winging it today, and will probably spend five minutes rambling. Oh well.
I think I’ve begun to realize that adulthood means I’ll never not be tired. I went to bed early (for me) last night, and yet woke up still exhausted. I don’t get it.
23 days into this 31 days of blogging thing, and this is one of the only nights I haven’t felt like doing it. Not for any reason other than I’ve got nothing much to say today. It’s a mix of being exhausted, tired of sitting in front of my computer screen to write, and basically drawing a blank at what to write about.
Today was pretty meh. Nothing grand, nothing awful. Just average.
Same goes for this week- nothing bad, nothing great about it.
About a month ago, I went to my doctor and requested an increase in my medicine– the meds I’m on for GAD and Depression. August and September were just too cruel to me, and I felt like I couldn’t get out from under the weight of the hurt. I was in one of the worst depressions I’ve ever been in, and was scared I wasn’t going to make it out from a hole that was caving on top of me. It was awful. I felt like I was trapped--locked away by both my circumstances and depression telling me there was no way out of them.
I finally got sick of living like that– living trapped. So I asked for help- something I hate (but am learning to accept that it’s necessary). And I took the help that was offered.
It took awhile for the medicine to start feeling like it was making much of a difference. I had a few glimpses here and there of feeling better, until this week.
This week, it’s the first week I’ve felt like I could handle the weight on my shoulders. I could work through the circumstances I was dealing with. I could find some joy in the midst of it all. After months of not feeling much other than fear and sadness, I finally felt some happiness. Even if I had bad days or bad moments in a day, I could get through them without wanting to die. I’ve gotten up every day cheerfully instead of wanting to stay in bed all day. (Though I have a never-ending cold right now, so I could get away with that).
Everything feels a little bit clearer. Everything feels like it’s going to get better, instead of worse.
And I feel a little bit more like myself, more than I have in a long time.
When life throws me curveballs or rogue waves, my brain is starting to help me handle them for once, instead of retreating in the corner like usual. I actually feel like I can do more than survive. I feel like I can thrive.
Life is starting to feel more lively again. And I’m hoping it stays that way.
Because I was made for so much more than just getting by.
I was made to be free from this mess that is mental illness. It just took asking for help to finally get that freedom.
Life is much more beautiful when you’re free.
because how else would i end this post?
Come on won’t you run? Come on won’t you run free?
Come on won’t you run? Come one won’t you run free?
Come on won’t you dance, like a prisoner released?
Come on won’t you run? Won’t you run free?
well, this post wasn’t exactly a ramble… i guess it’s exactly what was on my mind tonight. Funny how that works.