I’m baaaack. And not on my iphone this time, wee! Charger got here just in the nick of time.
This week’s prompt is weary. Kinda perfect timing for it, truly.
I don’t even know if I’m going to set the timer for this one.
There are some days where my mental illness just overtakes me. Every corner of the day, darkness just veils me in.
It’s so bizarre to me what a difference 24 hours makes. Yesterday was such an awesome day– got to spent time with 3 of my favorite people, 2 of whom I haven’t spent time with in months; then I had my first Cozumel meeting of the year, reuniting with some returning teammates excitedly, and being introduced to the new teammates. It was so fun, full of laughter and happiness and anticipation, talking about one of my favorite places on the planet. I went to bed cheerful and giggly.
And then today. It was like a parallel universe.
Today was just long,for starters. Started early for me (8:30, after lying awake til 2am) with puppy barking with his endless energy. Then an hour at the vet while my boy got another puppy shot. Then we got home, and I just collapsed into bed.
That’s where the darkness hit.
I don’t know if it’s my depression or the enemy or what, but whatever it is has a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect it. And it completely enveloped every part of me today.
Couldn’t read. Couldn’t write. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone- co-workers, kids at work, text messages, nothing. My phone died at work, and part of me was kinda glad. I just felt like hell for no reason.
Then, of course, life gave me a reason to feel like hell. Bad news, which led to massive anxiety and overwhelming fear and tears when I didn’t want them. (who wants to cry in front of toddlers? I’d hear “why are you crying?” 100 times!) Then work was kinda blah, and I was stuck there until 6 on the dot tonight (why are parents late on the worst days? WHY?!?). More tears. I kinda feel like I’m on edge for a tear breakdown, then I get home and… nothing. It’s like I’m just empty.
Or maybe that’s just numbness.
So, that kinda sent what I was feeling kinda spiraling down further. The voices in my head kept reminding me how bad I felt, how bad everything was going, how stupid I was and how everything going wrong was my fault- the list of things my brain tells me when the darkness lurks is unending. I hate those stupid voices, and how much effing power they have over me and my mood.
Today, weary is only the beginning. I’m tired. I’m spent. I’m crashing down further when I (finally) felt like I was on an upward swing.
There are some days where the darkness wins. I crawl into bed, giving up, and just decide to let it win and sleep it off, praying for a better tomorrow. I cry and I get mean and I just give up on everyone and everything, letting the darkness control me.
I hate when I do this, even though some days it’s necessary. But I do it more than I should.
I give in to my weary mind, and just let the weariness take over every part of me. I get nothing done, and end up feeling worse the next day because of it. The guilt never ends.
I’m just scared of the day I give in further.
I want to fight the darkness. I want to fight the weariness. I want to fight whatever the hell it is that just keeps telling me to give the hell up. Because I heard that voice today. And I hear it more than I want to.
I just don’t know how.
So, I need your help. I freaking hate admitting that, but I need advice, help, whatever you can give. What are the best ways to fight the weariness, to bring light to the dark? I just don’t know how.
I know scripture tells me when I’m weary he’ll give me rest. But rest isn’t what I need, I don’t think. I need something else to fight this darkness– to fight the war waging in my weary soul.
Because I’m sick of giving into the voices, into the darkness that ruins my days. I don’t want or need my days covered in darkness anymore. I need light.
I hate asking for help. I feel like a burden, even though I know it’s not, it is a burden and an imposition in my brain. But I asked for prayer tonight over at #fmfparty, and y’all came through in a big way (i felt it. truly). So, I’ll start there- I covet your prayers. For light to overcome the dark. For the weariness to subside. For ways to fight back. Whatever else you think I need. Then, give me ways to fight back. Because I need practical things, tangible ways.
Because as much as it pains me, I can’t keep fighting this alone.
Alli Rogers has become a favorite, thanks to Sarah Bessey. She’s kinda wonderful.