five minute friday {weary}

I’m baaaack. And not on my iphone this time, wee! Charger got here just in the nick of time.

This week’s prompt is weary. Kinda perfect timing for it, truly.

weary

I don’t even know if I’m going to set the timer for this one.

There are some days where my mental illness just overtakes me. Every corner of the day, darkness just veils me in.

It’s so bizarre to me what a difference 24 hours makes. Yesterday was such an awesome day– got to spent time with 3 of my favorite people, 2 of whom I haven’t spent time with in months; then I had my first Cozumel meeting of the year, reuniting with some returning teammates excitedly, and being introduced to the new teammates. It was so fun, full of laughter and happiness and anticipation, talking about one of my favorite places on the planet. I went to bed cheerful and giggly.

And then today. It was like a parallel universe.

Today was just long,for starters. Started early for me (8:30, after lying awake til 2am) with puppy barking with his endless energy. Then an hour at the vet while my boy got another puppy shot. Then we got home, and I just collapsed into bed.

That’s where the darkness hit.

I don’t know if it’s my depression or the enemy or what, but whatever it is has a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect it. And it completely enveloped every part of me today.

Couldn’t read. Couldn’t write. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone- co-workers, kids at work, text messages, nothing. My phone died at work, and part of me was kinda glad. I just felt like hell for no reason.

Then, of course, life gave me a reason to feel like hell. Bad news, which led to massive anxiety and overwhelming fear and tears when I didn’t want them. (who wants to cry in front of toddlers? I’d hear “why are you crying?” 100 times!) Then work was kinda blah, and I was stuck there until 6 on the dot tonight (why are parents late on the worst days? WHY?!?). More tears. I kinda feel like I’m on edge for a tear breakdown, then I get home and… nothing. It’s like I’m just empty.

Or maybe that’s just numbness.

So, that kinda sent what I was feeling kinda spiraling down further. The voices in my head kept reminding me how bad I felt, how bad everything was going, how stupid I was and how everything going wrong was my fault- the list of things my brain tells me when the darkness lurks is unending. I hate those stupid voices, and how much effing power they have over me and my mood.

Today, weary is only the beginning. I’m tired. I’m spent. I’m crashing down further when I (finally) felt like I was on an upward swing.

There are some days where the darkness wins. I crawl into bed, giving up, and just decide to let it win and sleep it off, praying for a better tomorrow. I cry and I get mean and I just give up on everyone and everything, letting the darkness control me.

I hate when I do this, even though some days it’s necessary. But I do it more than I should.

I give in to my weary mind, and just let the weariness take over every part of me. I get nothing done, and end up feeling worse the next day because of it. The guilt never ends.

I’m just scared of the day I give in further.

I want to fight the darkness. I want to fight the weariness. I want to fight whatever the hell it is that just keeps telling me to give the hell up. Because I heard that voice today. And I hear it more than I want to.

I just don’t know how.Β 

So, I need your help. I freaking hate admitting that, but I need advice, help, whatever you can give. What are the best ways to fight the weariness, to bring light to the dark? I just don’t know how.

I know scripture tells me when I’m weary he’ll give me rest. But rest isn’t what I need, I don’t think. I need something else to fight this darkness– to fight the war waging in my weary soul.

Because I’m sick of giving into the voices, into the darkness that ruins my days. I don’t want or need my days covered in darkness anymore. I need light.

I hate asking for help. I feel like a burden, even though I know it’s not, it is a burden and an imposition in my brain. But I asked for prayer tonight over at #fmfparty, and y’all came through in a big way (i felt it. truly). So, I’ll start there- Β I covet your prayers. For light to overcome the dark. For the weariness to subside. For ways to fight back. Whatever else you think I need. Then, give me ways to fight back. Because I need practical things, tangible ways.

Because as much as it pains me, I can’t keep fighting this alone.

Alli Rogers has become a favorite, thanks to Sarah Bessey. She’s kinda wonderful.

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18 thoughts on “five minute friday {weary}

  1. tammysincerity

    Jordan,
    oh sister, how I know those days! For some of us, we will always battle that weariness, that darkness, and others won’t understand. You asked for help, so I will tell you what little I’ve learned. The weariness and darkness? It’s a cloud of lies. To fight that, you need bursts of truth. Like oxygen pockets. They can’t be large and cumbersome, but short, sweet, and powerful.
    I hope you’ll be able to pop over to mine, I think it will help. God’s timing that I’m right behind you tonight is not an accident. πŸ™‚
    Love you and praying about your bad news. May your soul be at rest even if your circumstances are a swirling whirlpool, Jordan. Your God is greater. Always.
    Love,
    Tammy
    (#13 in the linkup. And tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Whee! I’ll take that number and make something good of it!)

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  2. Tara

    Jordan, praying! Thank you for an honest vulnerable post. The illness ebbs and flows. There is no rhyme or reason to it either. I wish I could help more. I wish I could take the deep darkness away. I will keep praying. I’m parked in the 6 spot this week.

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  3. Oh my friend! I am praying and will continue to pray. I wish I had some stellar advice to kick the darkness in the –well, you know – something that would make it go once and for all! These are some practical steps that I jotted down at my Bible study on Tuesday – they just may be what you need: 1. Listen to Worship 2. Read the Psalms 3. Count your Blessings and Give Thanks 4. Speak Declarations 5. Rally the Troops They seem simplistic and like no brainers maybe – but it’s amazing how well they work!

    So proud of you for being real and brave and letting us know how to pray for you, friend!
    You are not alone!

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  4. OK, since you asked…

    I’m not going to quote Scripture. It doesn’t work for me, and I think it doesn;t work for you, at least not now.

    First – you don’t need rest, but you don’t need ‘activity-for-the-sake-of-activity’ either.

    You need, right now, to have a reason for showing up. You need to be needed, and THAT means you need to be with people for whom you’re important. That is damn well matters that you show up.

    I can’t tell you who this will be, but every church is undermanned in some of their ministries.

    Like, say, bringing company to shut-ins…people like me. If you would come and chat for half an hour, just sitting on the porch…that would be the highlight of my day.

    You are the highlight of someone’s day, Jordan. You just haven’t met them yet.

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  5. Jordan, so sorry to hear about your situation. There are these days and I think it’s okay to not always feel happy clappy. Admitting and allowing is one first step.
    You’ve already taken another important step: reach out. Yes, I know this is one of the hardest things to do, to actually ask for help. I am also really bad at it. But you can’t fight this alone, you can’t escape that spiral on your own. Allow others in. We’re all messy and broken, but we struggle so hard to keep that away from others. Being honest and vulnerable is one of the bravest things we can do.
    I pray you’ll have 2 or 3 people around you you choose to be vulnerable with. Who you allow in to see your mess. Who you ask for practical help. Who offer you a shoulder to cry. Cry and don’t be ashamed of it. It cleanses the soul.
    As Andrew said, may you discover highlights today. You’re someone’s highlight today and may you experiece lots of little blessings today!

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    1. “We’re all messy and broken, but we struggle so hard to keep that away from others.” So, so true. It’s so hard- especially in person. I can write it out here and in my journal, but speaking in person about it? It’s like pulling teeth. I thankfully do have those people, but taking initiative to talk is the hard part.

      Thank you for your words, Katha!! ❀ ❀

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  6. Jordan . . . everyone before me has already said it my friend. I’m praying for you now. May God fill you with purpose and give you eyes to see what He has in store for you. You are loved!

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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  7. Jordan, I pray for you! I feel your darkness and your pain. One thing I have learned over battling this illness is you need small victories. Nothing big. Nothing too much. Just nice, small victories that you can build upon. Don’t look too far to the future or it will be overwhelming. Just take those (mighty) tiny steps forward. Even if you get knocked down. Take that next step. You CAN do this. I know it!

    (love from FMF #58)

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  8. The day after I decided to kill myself (that’s a really strange thing to write) was one of the hardest, darkest, longest days of my life. God taught me something very valuable that day: One thing at a time. Did you get out of bed? Victory! Did you shower? Victory! Did you make the bed? Victory! Did you brush your teeth? Victory! Celebrate the crap out of every little thing.

    I think battling this beast takes a combination of many things. I firmly believe that Bible reading is key. If you don’t have the brain to dive into deep study, that’s fine. No biggie right now. But soak yourself in those truths. Better yet, listen to Max MacLean on Bible Gateway read them to you. (He’s awesome). Lies have to be confronted with truth.

    Crank up the worship music.

    Pray. Pray out loud. Talk to Jesus, even if it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to. And you tell that stupid Satan exactly where he can go. Because while this isn’t just “all in your head” and it’s not 100% spiritual, there is a spiritual element. Satan loves to hit us when we’re down. He’ll take any opening he can get. So of course he’s going to use that chemical imbalance and whatever and try to use it to his advantage. HE IS A LIAR. You are beautiful and precious and placed on this earth in this moment for a very specific reason. You have a gifting and mission designed for you by the King.

    Like Andrew said, show up. Someone needs you. Someone needs you to tell a story, cook a meal, hold a hand. It seems impossible to do those things right now, I know. But you will draw strength and purpose from it.

    Remember that feelings won’t kill you. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, upset, frustrated, whatever. A panic attack won’t kill you. Ride the wave. It will fade.

    As much as possible, try to stick to a sleep schedule. At least get into bed at a reasonable time, even if you lay there and listen to music.

    Be careful about who you spend time with. Right now you don’t need negativity. You don’t need to hang out with emotional vampires.

    Get thee to a doctor. You may need a change in meds or dosage. If you haven’t yet, try and get hooked up with a counselor. I’m a HUGE proponent of therapy. I will forever be indebted to the woman who worked with me for a year-and-a-half. God used her to save my life.

    These are things that have helped me, not a list of “must dos” or something to make you feel condemned or overwhelmed. It won’t happen overnight. Keep fighting, my friend. I know you are so very tired. If I were there right now I would hug you and let you vent it all out. Thank you for being brave and sharing this with us. I will be praying for you!

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you friend. So many things you’ve said are so on-point!
      The days since Thursday have been better (yesterday was bleh, but mainly because I was feeling crappy physically AND mentally).

      I just got my meds upped in October. I’ve finally been feeling like they were started to regulate until this. Hoping it was just an off-day.

      And hopefully will be starting back in therapy in February when I’m a student again- my campus has a free counseling center, and I had a therapist I really liked, so I’m hoping I can start back with her.

      Praying has been so hard for me lately. I can read, listen to worship music… but not pray. At least for myself- I can pray up a storm for other people. But for me, i feel like there’s a wall up. Like I’m talking to air. I just don’t know how to fix that.

      I’ve been sleeping decently (at least for me) but keep waking up exhausted. Ugh.

      I haven’t been spending much time with anyone, but that’s mainly because of circumstance (work+ no car+ not in school). I’m seeing some friends and professors tomorrow so hopefully being around friends will give me a boost. πŸ™‚

      Thank you for thinking of me. Love you friend.

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  9. Pingback: #meditateonthis. – Writeable moments

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