Enough.

Two blog posts in a week y’all. I’m on a roll! 🙂

Well, I should be writing an autobiography at the moment but…oh well.

First off, I don’t think I’ve ever said Thank God it’s Friday with such happiness. Seriously. I am ecstatic.  Whilst the week DID get better, it’s still left me exhausted with a crap ton of work to do.

However, my weekend got off to a start tonight with my Schooling in America class retreat. A group of 30-40ish education students and professors in a room together talking and putting together puzzles? Yep. Sounds like a fun way to start the weekend to me too. Can I just take this time to say I LOVE education majors/teachers? They’re a pretty entertaining group (especially Dr. Stewart. I adore that lady).

At the end of the night, Dr. High (my advisor/the sweetest professor EVER) did a devotional that stuck with me. He was talking about how sometimes (a lot of the time) we as teachers are the silver lining in some students lives. And I know from personal experience that this is EXTREMELY true. One of the reasons, in fact, I want to be a teacher is this very idea. He read this prayer/blessing for students that sprung tears in my eyes, praying for those that had enough/lived normal lives, to those that come from the lowest and have only us to help them in this world.

What stuck with me though was the scripture he gave us to think about.
Proverbs 30:7-9

 ⁷ “I ask two things from you, Lord.
       Don’t refuse me before I die.
 ⁸ Keep me from lying and being dishonest.
       And don’t make me either rich or poor;
       just give me enough food for each day.
 ⁹ If I have too much, I might reject you
       and say, ‘I don’t know the Lord.’
    If I am poor, I might steal
       and disgrace the name of my God.

I never think about asking God for just “enough”. I often ask for more, or for less: more finances, more time, more people; less stress and worry, less things on my to-do list, and so on. I never say to just give me ENOUGH. I’ve always thought in ways that more is greater for some things, and less is better for others. I’ve never measured things by “enough”. The perfectionist in me just doesn’t know how to function on “enough”! I keep going back to the Lord’s prayer, saying “give us this day our daily bread.” Don’t worry about tomorrow just yet. Just give me enough to handle today. It’s a concept I’ve never thought enough about, but tonight has struck me differently.

I don’t think God’s gonna give us more than we can handle. Nor do I think He’ll give us too little to work with/understand. But after reading this, I see the reason in asking for enough. I do think sometimes when I personally try to do it “all” so to speak I forget God in the middle of it (hello, this entire freakin week).
I get so overwhelmed I forget who the heck I do this all for.
On the other side of the spectrum, sometimes I get the case of “oh if only I could do this/that” instead of actually taking some sort of action. We weren’t called to just sit around and wait for things to happen either. I’ve done enough of BOTH to know that neither work very well.

Enough is all I WANT to ask for right now. Nothing more, and nothing less either. What I need is enough of whatever it is I need to be something to someone in this world. I don’t need anything fancy… I don’t need to have this amazing life story/circumstance to come around to do something worthwhile. It took me forever to realize that I don’t have to be at the right place at the right time to make a difference. I can do ENOUGH right here right now if I just  step up and do it.

 Know what I think my calling is? To teach. Simple enough, right? But not just teach History or English til the 3’o clock bell rings. I want to make a difference in a kid’s life like so many teachers have made in mine. It’s my calling to put my love and passion for learning into students, just as teachers like Mrs. Davenport, Mrs. Tomlinson, Mrs. Watts and many more have put in mine over the years. It’s not just about me, and I never want it to be.

It was Mother Teresa that said, “God does not command that we do great things, only little things with great love.” I don’t think I’m called to do something crazy big in this world. I’m just called to do SOMETHING. To do enough, to BE enough in the life of a child. That’s what I want to do. 

 Just give me enough, God. Somehow, I’ll figure out how I’m supposed to use it. 

2. 
   

Your Will Be Done (Oh how quickly I forget)

Now that I’m back and settled in at school, guess I should start writing again, huh? I didn’t write much this summer cause…well, mainly there was nothing to write about.  I was happy (most of the time) safe and sound at home.

But I’m back to the glorious world that is college, and the adventure has already begun!

Two days in and I’m utterly exhausted.  I knew this semester was going to be the hardest yet, but I didn’t realize to what end. I am drained. Mentally, physically, and in some ways emotionally already! New dorm, new (wonderful) roommate, new faces, professors, and the like. This much change makes for one nervous wreck of a kid. But change is inevitable, as I have attempted to drill through my skull on numerous occasions. =)

This week has stressed me to the MAX. From buying books to education retreat this weekend, to worrying about fees and bills and finding an on-campus job and carpooling everywhere, I am already drowning. This feeling sucks. And I can never seem to get rid of it. 

I know my God is bigger than this. I know He has the plans laid out for me. I get that. It’s just hard. Especially when control-freaks like myself see their world as if it’s in someone else’s hands. I just don’t like it. Not one bit.

Last night I was saying my prayers and getting ridiculously frustrated and upset about things and worrying about things I shouldn’t be.
So I just stopped, and started saying to myself the GOOD that has come so far from this week. Things like seeing and hugging friends. Do you know how good it feels to see your friends after being separated for what feels like forever? (but in reality was about 3 months). At least I felt better after seeing my friends trickling around campus, showing up in various classes of mine. I’ve missed the laughter and coffee dates and adventures with people near and dear to my heart.
Also am loving meeting new friends and being in classes I love with people I already know. I’m enjoying NOT being a freshmen, and actually knowing what I’m doing this time around (for the most part).
Getting new professors that made me laugh and scared the daylights out of me (hello, Madame Kidder!). 
Worshipping and being in community again with the people I love most. I’ve missed it all.

Yeah, I think these are what I should be focusing my energy on. Not the crap that I can’t control. It’s in God’s hands and I KNOW it will be forever in them.

Tonight in Elam, we had a dorm-wide devo led by my lovely 1st floor RAs. They broke down the Lord’s prayer verse by verse and worked through it with us. The verse that always tugs at me is “Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven”.
Yep, that says YOUR will. Not mine. That’s a tough pill to swallow. But I know it’s worth it. It’s just hard for someone that likes having her world done her way to understand.

After the girls finished, they played Your Love is Strong by Jon Foreman, one of my absolute favorite songs (that I am of course playing on repeat at this point). The words echo so much of what is on my heart right now. So much of what I need to hear is spoken through these lyrics. I practically wanted to scream them at the top of my lungs at the devo!
 It’s definitely a wake-up call, that’s for sure. One I desperately needed after the stress of the past two days has completely overwhelmed me.

I know the days aren’t necessarily going to get easier. They’ll probably get harder before they get better. But it’s not about what happens, good or bad. It’s about how I react to it. The problem itself isn’t what I need to focus on. It’s the solution. Instead of stressing and getting myself worked up about these things, it’s time for me to just STOP. Stop, and think. Stop and pray. Stop and do WHATEVER it takes for me to relinquish this control I think I have. I’m sick of feeling like this whenever something doesn’t go as I have planned. I have to remember that it isn’t up to me anymore what this life has in store. It’s all for and by God, and I know it’s going to eventually be worth it.