Show me your beauty. (I can ask that!?)

Hi friends. Happy finals week from your stressed out college kids!

This is probably gonna be the last time you hear from me on here (unless something life-changing happens) til I’m back at home sweet home snuggling with my pups and watching Big Bang Theory with my Mama. So close, but so far away. =)
One final down, four to go! One every day next week, ending with Physics at 8am. Oh  Lord help me. 

This is going to be a ramble of my thoughts, just a warning. Don’t really know where I’m going with it, but I’ll try to go somewhere. 

I’ve finally gotten around to getting more into Captivating. After my last post, I just felt the need to make the time to dig deeper into this. But it’s hard. Really.  Not as much making the time, but more just being willing to think about this part of my life I try to block out (if only I could block out mirrors from my life). Everytime I feel the need to talk about it, journal it, etc… I just put it in the back of my mind.

Which is why I love this book. Half the time I think they’re writing right to me (and some of the stories/testimonies echo my life so closely it scares me). It really hits home. 

This chapter I’m reading right now is about healing the wound… ways to heal and let God fix whatever has made me feel this way about myself. Trying to heal the wounds left in my heart by others and by myself.

They had some practical ideas that I really should do. Some I’d never thought about, things that make sense but don’t at the same time. 

Like asking Jesus about it.  

It’s just one of those things that I’m like, “what does that even mean?” Seems so easy to ask, but it just doesn’t feel that simple.

I know the scripture ask and it will be given and so on… but ask a question about this? Really? Is that something worth asking? Is this something that God even cares about hearing?

Well, to someone struggling with feeling beautiful- with feeling worthy- I think yes, it’s something I need to ask about. Just as I struggle with stress and busyness, I ask God for strength; when I battle with sad thoughts/ am upset, I ask for peace; when I don’t understand, I ask for wisdom.

So when I struggle with my beauty/self-esteem- I guess I can ask. But ask for what? That is the question. 

Now that I think about it though… it kinda scares me to ask such a thing. I mean, how on earth am I gonna get an answer to that? It’s not something tangible, it’s not something He can answer really with a solution that I can actually see. What on earth is the answer going to be when I ask the Lord about my beauty? I really don’t know. But I don’t know a lot of things before I ask them… so I guess it’s worth a shot, right? 

This part of the chapter made me think a little:

“This is what I want you to do. I want you to ask Jesus to show you your beauty.”

“I can do that?” she said. “I mean, that’s okay? He would do that for me?”

Show you your beauty.  Not gonna lie, I kinda think that’s an odd sentence… let alone request. Show you your beauty. 

Reveal what this beauty thing is to me- so that maybe, just maybe, I’ll start to “get it.” I’ll start to see my beauty the way God sees my beauty. I can do that? How do I do that? Seems like a different and difficult thing to ask, honestly. For someone who’s struggled with feeling beautiful, to ask to be shown her beauty-I’m kinda curious as to what the answer would be. 

 He would do that for me?  He can do such a thing… he can show me the beauty I have that I cannot seem to see. How? Why would he? For me? For someone who still doesn’t quite understand how a girl like her can be deemed worthy of “beautiful”. With everything else going on… he would do that?

I think that’s a tall order. Not for God, really… but for me. For me to be open and honest about how I feel about myself, to give those feelings up to God. For me to open my heart and let Him in a little (lot) more on this subject. It’s hard to talk about, to write about… let alone pray about.

He can show me my beauty.  I still really don’t know what all that means… or what that entails. Or how I can really ask such a question. Or why it matters. 

I guess that’s why I just need to stop trying to fix it for myself, and just ask. 

you’re more beautiful than you think. {a beautiful 2013 post}

So. I’ve been working on this resolution thing, right? This whole working on what the word beautiful is to me, and why I struggle with it so much.

Some days I don’t really know what to right about on here about this, because it’s just so dang personal.

Then there are days where God just puts something in your lap and says, “is this what you’re looking for?!”

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/XpaOjMXyJGk&source=uds

So, this Dove video has been circulating around. I’m usually not one to take to the norm and watch things that are constantly viewed/shared on facebook, but this one was worth my time. It’s worth yours, too, so stop what you’re doing and watch it (even if you already have, it’s worth seeing again).

If I had to do what they did, I’d do the same thing- I’d point out every single line, roll, and freckle before I’d highlight anything good about myself. It’s just how I think about myself, it’s how I’ve always thought of myself-in a negative light.

I’ve mentioned before how other people have hurt me enough to make me hate my body. I’ve mentioned how I’ve never had a good self-esteem, how I’ve never seen myself as beautiful. God’s been changing that, for sure, as of late. But it’s still a struggle, no doubt. As I mentioned in my last post those voices still plague me.

You’re not good enough.
You’re not worthy.
You’ll be beautiful if {fill in the blank}.
If only you were thin like {insert person here}.

You get the picture.

We are our own worst critics. As seen in the video, we see ourselves in the worst light. Only 4% of women around the WORLD believe they’re beautiful.

4%.


I’ve never felt beautiful when I’m looking in the mirror or when I see myself in pictures. It’s a struggle to feel like I’m worthy of that ‘title’, beautiful.  I know I am and we all are because of who we are and how we were made. But it’s still a struggle to see it in my life.

We can’t let ourselves think like that anymore, ladies. And I’m saying this for me as much as I am for anyone else!

Look at the video and how drastically different the sketches of women are- when they describe themselves, and when others describe them. Isn’t it just wild how others see what we can’t? People see beauty much easier when it’s not them they’re talking about. How and why did we get this way?! How can someone point out every single flaw in them, yet someone else who doesn’t know them be able to describe them in such a different way?

We’ve been having a woman’s chapel these past two Mondays called Unspoken. It’s been really great. The topic is about shame,  something we don’t necessarily discuss often. Last night Caroline said the most common thing we said we were shameful about was body image. That we aren’t good enough, we aren’t beautiful enough, we aren’t worthy. It’s all those voices in our lives whispering we deserve to feel this way about ourselves.

Shame is what makes me hate myself some days. Not all days (anymore), but some. Shame is what makes us see ourselves radically different than what others and what God sees us as.  Shame is the memories and the voices in my life teaching me this lie about not being beautiful, and that all that matters is how I look in the mirror.

 There is so much more than that mirror. There is so much more than shame. There is so much more than those voices inside your head saying you’re not beautiful.

You’re more beautiful than you think.

all will be well [a beautiful 2013 post]

I’ve had one whirlwind of a week. It may have been a ‘short’ school week, but it felt ten times longer. It got better as it progressed into the weekend, however.
        Oh the weekend. How it was a weekend I needed, indeed.

After this week, we did exactly what I needed: we got far, far away from school. Away from stress, away from worry, away from schoolwork- just away.

I was exactly where I needed to be this weekend, with the people I needed (and wanted) to be with the most: my mission trip family. 🙂
  We really have become a family. Even moreso this weekend than we already were. I’m thankful for  every one of them and how they’ve already touched my heart long before we go serve together in Cozumel over spring break.

We fellowshipped. Ate a lot of good food (and too much chocolate). We small grouped it up, spent time in prayer stations, worshiped together. We became insanely competitive in Name that Angel and Catchphrase.We acted silly and learned a lot about each other. It was definitely a night of little sleep, but of many many memories (besides: who remembers those nights where you got a full night’s sleep for the rest of their lives?)

My favorite part consisted of two things colliding: our location, and our Saturday morning silent hour.

We were out in Smithville (or Sniffville as Zach thought I said) TN, at a lake house with this spectacular view. It took my breath away when I woke up and saw this outside the back door. Seriously. If you need a place to escape, this is a good place to go. 🙂

After breakfast, we had an hour of silence. We could do whatever we wanted in this hour, except for talk.

I absolutely love the practice of being silent, but in the loud busy days in school, I don’t MAKE the time to do it as much as I should.
Oh how I needed to be still and quiet after the busyness of this week. It was perfect timing.

So I hopped on to the back porch and sat outside. I kinda sat in awe for awhile. Of the quiet, calmness of the lake, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I just soaked it in, thinking about how beautiful creation is. It seriously takes us being far away to sit and just revel at God’s beauty (something I think I need to do more often when I’m back in reality!)

I then decided to start prayerfully reading Captivating for awhile. I haven’t had a lot of time to read this week (such a travesty), so I started getting into it. I am so glad I did.

I’m only 40 pages into it, and I seriously think it’s already changed my life.  After finishing the chapter I was on, I wrote in my journal: beautiful is becoming more real to me.
It’s taken many many years for me to say that. Not only to say it, but sincerely believe it.

I had one of those “aha!” moments. It finally clicked for me. I still don’t have it all figured out when it comes to beautiful and feeling beautiful, but I think I reached a milestone I hadn’t realized I needed to hit this weekend.

I’ve always thought beauty was synonymous with the material- how we look, what we wear, our weight- those may be part of it (the physical part of it, I guess). But it is not what beauty is. Beauty is in us- our essence, as the book says. Beauty was with us from the beginning because of how we were made-and who made us. God gave us a beauty to unveil (as the book so eloquently describes it) to ourselves and to the world.

Isn’t it crazy to think that the same guy that made this world of beautiful creation made me and you? Last week at church we were talking about how imaginative God was in creation. Isn’t it crazy that God made this vast earth-each part of creation beautiful, unique, and mystical- and then decided to make us? I can’t fathom it, really. But He did.

And not only did He make us- He made us in His image. If we’re made in the image of God, how could we-how could I- not see that that is beautiful? The book says: “Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn’t have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation.”

 This beautiful God made this beautiful earth- and He made me beautiful too. 
He gave me beauty right from the get go. It wasn’t something to work for or try to “get”. It is in me. Wow. That’s something I never thought about.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter talks about how you feel when you’re in a beautiful place- like I was this weekend- and how you can breathe, rest, listen in this place? 

      The book says “my heart tells me, ‘all will be well’. This is what beauty says-all shall be well.”

This life- this world- is beautiful. It reminds me that indeed, all will be well. It reminds me that God created the world, and He created me too- and He created me beautifully. And that even if it’s hard to see, hard to understand, beauty is in me- and all will be well. 

 I may not always see it in the mirror everyday (that’s still a work in progress), but I know there is beauty, just simply because of who God is.  Every woman was made to be beautiful. It isn’t something we gain or something we lose- it is who we are. It’s not about makeup or dress size or hair styles- it’s about who we are and how we live and who we live for that shows truly the beauty God has given us.

Beauty is in me- and it says that all will be well. I’m trying to live in this truth.

Isn’t crazy to think that two weeks ago I didn’t think I’d be able to go on this retreat, and see this place, and learn these things I did this weekend (about the team and myself)??

 The saying rings true: we plan, God laughs. I’d like to amend it a little: We plan, God smiles. Because I think after what this weekend has done for me, I’d like to say God is smiling a little brighter. At least I am. 🙂

Build me up, buttercup. [a beautiful 2013 post]

This has nothing to do with the song mentioned in the title by The Foundations, but it IS stuck in my head now. And probably yours too. Hehe.

This whole “one word” thing is different, y’all. I like it though. It makes me focus and seriously dig into it.

So I did my first project/my first attempt towards a beautiful 2013 this weekend. I did this on a whim, instead of doing physics homework and my Psych paper. And I must say, it was quite a success. 🙂

In the last post, I mentioned I had an Oscar Wilde quote up on my door that I looked at everyday. Well, it’s still there.

It was just joined by some friends in a mad fury of covering my floor-length mirror up on the door. (disclaimer to any RAs that read this, they all come off the door smoothly, it’s tape! 😉 )

People that know me well know how much words inspire me.  I love quotes. It’s why I read so much and love to write-words just engage me and help me get through everything.

I read one particular quote and thought about how much I need to read it every day, in a place I can see it.   And that’s where the idea began. I just heard a voice in my head say, “do it”.

So I did.

It helps me block the hate-hate relationship I have with the mirror.  I still have a mirror and do find it important to use to make sure I look relatively decent. Looks are something needed, but it’s not the only thing, especially for me.
 But the big mirror on the back of the door haunts me. I’ve looked at myself in it for 5 seconds and ended up changing my whole outfit for the day because I didn’t look right. It has to do with those whole self-esteem thing, y’all. I don’t see myself in a good light. EVER. (Also why I HATE having my picture taken, but that’s a different story for a different blog). When I see how I look in the mirror, I point out every mark, blemish. I continually say words that make me hate myself, instead of seeing what I need to see, which is the fact that I am BETTER than what that mirror has to say.

In the ever-wise words of Barlow Girl:

“I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect.

So sorry you won’t define me.
Sorry you don’t own me.

Who are you to tell me that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?”

(this song may become my motto for the new year).

My word wall (as I have dubbed it) helps me build myself up with words. 

So now I don’t have that pressure to look into the mirror everyday and see something I don’t want to see. Now, I look and see the words I need to see to get me through the day (and this year!) There’s scripture, song lyrics, quotes about everything-beauty, faith, perfectionism, and random thoughts to keep me going. 

I don’t think it’ll be a permanent fixture in my room (at least not on the mirror). But until I can thoughtfully look at myself in a full-length mirror and genuinely LOVE the girl I see looking back at me, letting words be the mirror to see what I need to be is what I need. 

I need some time to heal from the hurtful words I’ve said to myself in the mirror before I can see myself that way. It’s gonna take time. I’m working on letting go, and that’s a big deal for me. It’s a process, and if you’ll stick with me, I think I’ll be okay. 🙂 

I leave you with a song and a request. The song lyrics to this song are the top of my word wall, and have been my prayer since I started this whole Beautiful 2013 thing. 

“This is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful”

The words really resonate-not just in this whole beauty/self-esteem thing I’m working on. But in my walk with God as well. I’m not sure where You’re going to take me, but I’m gonna go along for the ride and find something beautiful in the midst of it (at least that’s what I’m gonna aim for). 

As for the request. It’s pretty easy: What are some things you think could help me make this year a beautiful 2013? I already have a few ideas in mind, and am prayerfully working on it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a “thing”-a topic, a project, a book/article etc. Anything that may help me attain my goal of being and seeing the beauty God has created. What would you find helpful?

Goodnight (or morning) my beloved friends. 🙂