god-inspired dreams (and learning how to dream them).

There’s a part of me that’s never been much of a dreamer. I’m a daydreamer, for sure– I’m in my own head a lot of the day, picturing what I want my life to look like. It’s an escape tactic, a “I wish this is how things worked out” picture reel, my ideal wannabe life playing in my head like a movie.

Except I’ve never really believed any of it could come true. Because daydreams are just dreams. 

Daydreams are one thing, fueled mostly by boredom and the what-ifs of life. But actually dreaming about my life? Something I’ve never done.

I’m a planner by nature, not a dreamer. A logical, dedicated, helpful worker bee. I need schedules, goals, and a plan. I have a get-it-done mindset. It’s the reason I love helping people: I want to be useful, to be needed to help get things done (even when I can’t get anything done in my own life). I’m the capable, reliable, what-would-we-do-without-you? friend that spends more time focusing on what she can fix and do in front of her rather than what she could dream up for the future. A lot of this stems from my perfectionist, earning/proving my worth mindset, but it’s ingrained in me to plan, work, and do, and not to dream about unrealistic ideas or thoughts.

 I like to do, put my words into action and actually accomplish something– something I never thought dreams could do. 

Dreams have always seemed lofty to me. Dreams were too much pie-in-the-sky, head in the clouds wishful thinking and less working and doing and earning that I was accustomed to.

I’ve never been a dreamer, imagining beyond the scope of what I can work towards or plan. If it’s not something I can map out and figure out and work hard towards, then what’s the point?

If there’s not an end goal, a point B, a light at the end of the tunnel, then I want out. I don’t just wanna sit around and dream about things that can happen possibly; I want to make things happen that I know will happen. 

Except I don’t. I don’t know that they will happen. I used to think I did. I had it all planned out, remember? Then God said no. And I had to say goodbye to a chapter that I thought was going to be forever. (and for the record: I’m so glad I did, because it’s changed my life for the better).

I had no clue what to do next. I didn’t have any plans, let alone dreams, to cling to.

It’s been a year almost to the day that my plans began to unravel. I’m happy to say that I’m truthfully in a great place— I’m in a job that i love, i feel at home with the people I live with, co-workers already feel like family, I’m enjoying my roles and responsibilities and actually feel supported and capable of the task at hand. Such. a. difference. I’m at such peace about where I’m at right now. Hallelujah amen.

But I’ve still not given thought to what my dreams of the future look like.

A few months ago at camp, my dear mentor Papa Steve told us at counselor training to “don’t just dream big. just DREAM.” Dream big, dream small, dream no matter the size. Just dream. The thought of dreams has been on my mind since then, but it faded quickly into the background due to in-front-of-me things like work and life changes. I didn’t have time for the abstract, lofty thinking that dreaming required.

Dreams are a big deal at the nonprofit I’m interning at. (Preston Taylor Ministries— they are awesome and you should totally check them out, especially if you’re local!). They have dream coaches that help kids discover and live out their God-inspired dreams, Fun Friday activities that provide enrichment activities for kids to work towards their dream and grow in the activities and dreams they’re passionate about, and summer camp opportunities to help kids at a more in-depth look at what their dreams could do.

All for helping kids dream about something more than they’re living in right now.

One of the major tenets of the mission statement at PTM is to help kids “discover  and live their God-inspired dreams.”

I’d literally never even thought of that phrase before PTM.

God-inspired dreams?! I’ve heard of God’s plans. I’ve heard of God’s will.  But dreams?! God inspires dreams?! This is all new to this type-A logical human, people.

On our get to know you posters, we were asked to write our own God-inspired dreams. I drew a complete blank, before scribbling something about writing on there that I have no clue what it means.

A few days ago one of my roommates/co-interns asked what I thought my God-inspired dream was, and I said I don’t know because I literally had no answer. 

Because the path I’d been going down? It was all in a plan. It was never based off a dream. I’ve never based my life off of a dream.

I’ve never dreamed like that, if that makes sense. I’ve never really thought so much about dreams as being something to really put thought into like I would a plan or a goal. They’re just… well, dreams. Ideas. Lofty wishes that don’t add up to much.

I’ve merely planned, and hoped to God that it would work out. But as I’ve clearly learned over the past year, that’s not always the best route.

So as I’m encouraging my kids to discover their God-inspired dreams… I’m learning how to discover my own God-inspired dreams, too.

Because I want to dream instead of just plan.

I want to wonder instead of work towards something that isn’t guaranteed.

I want to learn how to dream without the fear of the unknown crashing down around me.

I want to believe what Ephesians 3:20 says–that God can do immeasurably more than I think. Or imagine. Or dream. He can do so much more than I can– so why not dream up something? 

I used to be able to come up with a million reasons as to why not– it’s not logical. there’s no plan. i’m not capable or ready or able to do the things that people dream about. i’d rather plan something small, something I can do that’s tangible and realistic.

But that’s not our God, I’m learning (sometimes the hard way, ugh). Our God didn’t call us to be planners that only do what they think they’re capable of. He calls us to let Him do the work in us, and that could take us anywhere and doing anything. Even something we don’t understand or don’t think we’re capable of.

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Here I am. Send me. Those words are usually a casting call for those that want God to use them to do extraordinary things only He can accomplish, right?  They’re not meant to be said and then a path be planned and mapped out with pristine perfection– they’re meant to be lived. Boldly. Bravely.

That’s what dreams are, I’m realizing: they aren’t lofty wishful thinking. They’re bold, brave, loud declarations that God has given me these gifts and talents and passions to do something bigger than myself.  They aren’t perfect paths or well mapped out courses where I work from point A to point B. Dreams are where our skills, talents, and gifts intersect with the passions and desires of the heart God has given us. They’re where we discover that God has given us our personalities and talents for a reason– and dreams are what we create when we figure out these things about ourselves. 

At least that’s how I want to think–I’m in the process of changing my mindset on plans and dreams. It’s a work in progress.  I’m still in my planner, worker-bee mindset, proving my worth by what I do and how I plan my path. But I’m learning how to give my plans over and let God plant a dream in me instead. It’s a total life change, but I believe God can take my mess and make it into something I can dream of using, right?!

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So. How do I learn to be a dreamer? I have no clue. Truly.

I don’t know what dreams look like, let alone God-inspired dreams. But my prayer currently is for God to show me my dreams– and show me how to dream. How to discover the dreams– the skills, the passions, the desires of my heart that He’s given me to pursue Him and his people better.

I want to dream God-inspired dreams and not plans of my own volition. I want to be willing to dream instead of work towards something that may not come to pass on my own.

I’m going to start discovering less plans for my life and more dreams.  I want to believe that God can do immeasurably more than I think… so I might as well take a risk and dream up something only God can do.

 

it’s not safe, but it’s good.

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion.” “Ooh” said Susan. “I’d thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion”…”Safe?” said Mr Beaver …”Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” (The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, CS Lewis)

This quote has been swirling in my head a lot recently, as I begin to think about what this next year looks like.

I spent some much-needed time with a dear friend today– after being surrounded by awesome co-workers and roommates (who are ALSO awesome co-workers), I was so thankful for some time away with a friend who already knows and loves me well. We talked about the upcoming year and all it entails in detail for the both of us; we were on the way back to my house when she asked me, “do you feel at peace about it?” As in, do I feel at peace about this new crazy life change: new job, new roommates/co-workers, new slightly-different career path (at least for the year).

Yes. Yes, I really do.

Truly, I haven’t felt so at peace about something in a lonnnnng time.

Because I know that this is exactly where I am meant to be.

Am I worried about next week when we meet kids for the 1st time? Definitely.

Am I anxious about doing a good job, living up to the standards of my workplace? (plus my own ridiculously high standards) Absolutely.

Am I overwhelmed with information and unsure how to unpack it all before Monday? You betcha! 

Am I totally scared of the future year and what is going to unfold? Pretty much! 

(I was then reminded that of course these feelings are 100% normal before this kind of life-change! duh!)

But am I at peace about this year and what all it’s going to hold? 110%. Without a shadow of a doubt. 

Despite all the worries and fears about what this year is going to hold, I am at nothing but peace. Why? Because I know that this is where God has placed me right now. I know this is what I’m meant to be doing. And that gives me peace beyond all understanding, beyond all fear.

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God isn’t meant to be safe. And neither are his plans for me.

This year is going to be hard– we’ve heard it from multiple different people, in multiple different ways. Hard. Not easy. Difficult. Fun, yes, life-changing, yes, but easy? Nope. 

It requires a lot of me. It makes it impossible not to bow at the throne of grace and ask for it openly and often, because Lordy am I going to need it when I inevitably screw up.

It’s forcing me to accept the fact that I cannot do this year (or this day, or this hour)  on my own– it’s only through His strength am I equipped for what He’s going to do this year. 

It’s making me have to think about my boundaries, my helper, got-to-fix-everyone tendencies,  and my people-pleasing, everything-has-to-be-perfect standards. I’m going to have to learn how to let my standards go, help those that want to be helped and give the rest up to the Lord because I am not superwoman or everyone’s keeper (even when I want to be), give myself grace when things go awry or when I need a break, and lean on other people for help and criticism and guidance down this road, cause I cannot do it on my own (i’m really bad at this part).

It requires me to love myself and people I work with and for very well, even when I don’t feel like it.

It’s going to leave me exhausted in every sense of the word some days. Some days I’ll be filled up, some days I’ll be running on fumes, barely scraping by. I know that.

And this is all from the first two weeks, y’all. I haven’t even met my kids yet! And it’s already causing me to think through the way I do and am going to do things this year. That gives me hope that this really is going to be life-changing, no matter how hard.

There is nothing safe about this year. Nothing safe about taking a leap of faith into this year of pouring into these kids we get to serve and teach, into each other as co-workers and roommates, into our supervisors and other co-workers– there is nothing safe about diving in head first into the unknown.

There’s nothing safe about God and the road he’s called me on with this internship. But it’s good.

It’s so, so good.

It isn’t safe. It isn’t easy. It’s a little bit scary and already slightly exhausting.

He isn’t safe. His plans aren’t easy. His ways are somewhat terrifying and overwhelmingly exhausting, especially when I want my way.

source: my friend Amy (it fit perfectly with this post!)

But it’s good. But He’s good.

Is he safe? ‘Course He isn’t safe. But He’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.

God and his plans sure aren’t safe. But they’re full of Him, and that means that they are immeasurably good. And that gives me more peace than I could have ever imagined. 

I couldn’t find a clip of the scene on youtube, so here’s my favorite song from the Narnia franchise! (brought to you by my beloved Switchfoot)

the choice. {an anxiety-induced honesty hour}

I’m sitting outside, on our wonderful, brand-new deck. It feels perfectly cool outside, and I can see a few stars above me (I could probs see more if I turned the deck light out, but writing a blog post in the dark doesn’t sound all that funsies). Stars bring me comfort instantly, so I keep looking up towards them for some sliver of hope and peace that tomorrow’s going to be better than what today has felt like. That peace is barely there, but barely is better than nothing so I’ll take it.

Honesty hour: My anxiety has slowly been increasing over the course of the day, mostly this afternoon/evening as I start to prepare for the week ahead. Trying to figure out transportation stuff, plans for tomorrow and the upcoming week, realizing that I had something to do that I didn’t realize I had to do (oops). It all adds up and sends me spiraling. My nerves are pretty shot, I’ve been a bit shaky all day leading up to the first official week of work. We don’t have kids until next week; this week is mostly preparation for kids, training, office hours and such, so our “real” jobs haven’t even begun yet.

And yet, I have a pit in my stomach that hasn’t gone away all day.

Mostly the thoughts and worries are unwarranted and silly. Some of them need to be dropped for now and brought back when I can actually process them.

But alas, they’re still here. Pounding inside my brain, refusing me one moment of peace before I start this new chapter tomorrow.

Transitions are always hard for me, but I’d thought I had already conquered this one, gosh dangit. (Or I thought I’d get a break this time, since it was relatively easy. Guess not?).

But I realized all the worries, concerns, bad thoughts all share the same voice:

You are a failure. 

You’ve failed before you’ve already started. 

You’re going to fail this. 

You’re not ready for this. 

You’re not up for the challenge. 

You’re a screw up. 

You can’t do this. 

You’re not wanted.

All the minute worries and fears all spiral together into this one colossal  anxious train of thought: i am not good enough for this.
I’m going in to a brand-new place, living with 4 virtual strangers that are slowly becoming friends (I hope), doing a job I’ve never done, given more responsibility than I’ve ever had. How am I supposed to be good enough for something so much bigger than me?

yesterday i wrote about how I was freakin’ chosen for this role, for this time in my life. And yet today, my brain decides that all of that was a lie.

I don’t want to believe that, y’all. I really don’t.

So in the midst of my shakiness and my pacing-the-floor anxiousness, I’m reminding myself that I have a choice. 

I can choose to live into what anxiety says. Or I can choose to throw myself into who God is, and what he’s doing. 

He’s in the middle of my mess, front and center in the chaos.

He’s not watching it unfold from afar. He’s smack dab in the heart of it with me, trying to show me what He’s doing and why He’s working this way. I’m just too caught up in all these feelings and fears to see Him in the midst of it. 

A passage from my current read I Don’t Wait Anymore has stuck in my head the last few days:

“So you see it comes down to one thing. Every day I have a choice. I can focus on how life doesn’t look like I wanted it to, how it’s moving at a crawl… I can worry if something much worse is going to happen if I walk on into what’s ahead of me. 

Or I can choose a song. I can choose to sip my coffee slowly and keep my eyes on the goodness tumbling down from the sky, choose to keep my heart in a place of total, unwavering praise. Because He’s there in my snowstorm.”

He’s in the storm with me. He’s in the fears and worries and concerns. He’s in the unsureness and stress and unanswered questions.

I want to choose to believe him when he says, in Grace’s words, “Come. I’m here. And it will be okay,“ instead of choosing to think that everything is not okay before it’s even started.

He’s not waiting on us to beckon him into the storm to help us; he’s waiting on us to see Him already there, ready to fight with us. He’s already there. I’m wavering between that being comforting or upsetting. Comforting because of who He is, and his love for me to be in the storm with me; upsetting because of how I’m feeling and how could he be here in this with me and not help me?!? UGH. 

credit: dallas clayton

Anxiety happens. The questions, fears, overthinking and internal fights with myself are going to happen- they just are a part of my life. Especially when I’m at a more stressful/transitional point in my life as I am now. But I have a choice. I can give in to fear and believe what it says about me. Or I can trust that God is in this with me, even when I’m not feeling or seeing Him just yet. 

 

I can believe in what my brain and emotions tell me I am, or what He tells me He is.

I want to choose Him. But the fears are so loud, the questions and uncertainties playing like a constant record in my head. It’s a battle that is nowhere near over tonight or tomorrow, but I am working towards choosing Him. Choosing to trust and believe that He is in the storm with me, that He will calm the storm and bring peace and hope, even if it’s in small places.

Choice is a powerful, slightly scary thing. I long to make the choice that leads me to less of fear, and more of Him. I hope I can figure out how.

one year later {god’s timing is real, y’all}.

Today was odd.

(Today meaning August 5th- technically I’m writing this at 1am 3am on the 6th, but roll with me here).

Not the day itself– I spent most of today at a work retreat, preparing for my new internship to begin (I’ve mentioned it here a bit, I’ll go in-depth about it sooner or later). The day was fine. Busy, information-filled, slightly loud and people-filled and spirit-heavy, which was wonderful.

But something about me and this day just felt off. I don’t really know how to describe it.

It took me until now to realize it: the date.

I had messed up my daily calendar, thinking today was August 4th. When I flipped it to the 5th earlier this evening, something caught my attention. What does August 5th mean? What does this date have to do with anything for me?

After a few minutes of thinking and some social media investigating, I remembered.

August 5th, 2015. The day I started student teaching.

My whole body went cold. And then tears came.

At first it was tears of grief. Really, it was a year ago? This whole hellish chapter started this day last year. I cannot believe it’s been a full year since that day. This day (well really, the next 2 days) began a living nightmare that I still have a hard time grappling with.

The year that’s been since then has been pretty hellish thanks to student teaching. A lot of wondering and questioning and grieving what was and what was supposed to be, and fear of what was unknown and what was to come in consequence. A lot of wondering why–after teaching was the only thing I ever wanted to do, why was it suddenly not? Why? Why dangit, why?!?! It was all I ever wanted. Ever.

Never in a million years would I have ever thought this day last year I’d be where I am today.

This day last year I was so excited and optimistic and prepared for a life of teaching (at least I thought I was).

I had my whole freakin’ life planned out, y’all. It was mapped out. I had no Plan B for if teaching didn’t work out, because it wasn’t supposed to. It’s all I ever wanted!

And then I didn’t want it anymore. And my whole life fell out from under me.

After I thought about the sad part of this season for a bit (I’ve already done my grieving of this chapter, y’all; there was no need or desire for me to go backwards to it), I then realized something else:

God’s timing isn’t foolish. Nor is he.

God’s timing is literally perfect. I used to not get that, because I wanted things on my terms and done my way and that’s how my life got flipped turned upside down.

I wanted things on my timetable, in my control–but then God is all: look at me now! Do you see what I’m doing here! 

Don’t you see? I hear him whisper.

Then I put two and two together.

August 5th, 2015 was the day I started student teaching.

August 5th, 2016 was the end of my first full week at my new, completely unplanned internship.

The internship that would have never happened if student teaching had worked out. The same internship where I’ll be using my degree and the things I was trained and taught to do as a teacher, but in a different setting with a different set of kids. The internship that fell into my lap and was offered to me a week before graduation– after months of agonizing over the “what’s next?” questions everyone was throwing at me.

For such a long time, I did not get why after wanting to be a teacher MY WHOLE LIFE was I supposed to not be one. I didn’t get it, and it grieved me so much. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why my plan didn’t work out when it was the only thing I ever wanted.

Now I get it. Literally a year later. To the DAY.

God ain’t no fool, but he sure likes fooling me into learning crap the hard way.

His timing is seamless.

This week last year, I was beginning what I thought was the beginning of the end of my college/ figuring out my life’s work chapter.

This week this year opened a whole new chapter. A new chapter that wouldn’t have come to pass if student teaching had panned out as I’d planned, if teaching had been the right path.

God does things when we surrender our plans. It’s not instantaneous or laid out as I may want it to be, but it’s perfectly planned out. On his time.

For such a time as this, I was meant to be here. It was perfectly planned and orchestrated, down to the literal DATE, y’all.

God is funny like that.

So my tears of grief (and regret, let’s be real), soon turned into tears of awe. Tears of relief that he really does hold my world in his hands, that he really does plan it all for my good, even when I can’t see it.

He knows. He sees. And He times things greater than I ever could. 

Hallelujah for that.

Bonus story: i turned my Bob Goff/Love Does calendar over to the 6th, and this is what I read:

A year later, I can finally look back and say that it’s never been more awesome for my plans to fail.