anxiety-induced ramblings.

when my heart, my life, are overwhelmed… i write. Because nothing else calms me quite like words do. My words are probably rambly and scattered, because that’s the current status of my brain.

I just got back from camp counseling at Impact on Saturday, and after catching up on the lack of sleep (or good sleep, I should say), I’ve truly just felt out of sorts. My anxiety was for the most part at bay while at Impact (besides some circumstantial events that caused me to be on high alert), but now that I’m back home, in my old usual rhythms… my anxiety is infinitely more amped than it has been in recent weeks.

I physically feel horrible. (I was up every hour on the hour last night because I could not sleep!). I mentally feel like my head is spinning. Spiritually I haven’t even begun to unpack all I learned and gained from the week’s events.

I was in my element for a solid ten days. Around community that loved me fully, that loved Him fully, that wanted to love and mentor kids and each other alike. I loved it. Even when it was exhausting.  It gave me the opportunity to pour myself out and be filled at the same time; it gave me the chance to mentor and share my love and life with others-something that I hadn’t been able to do in awhile. Being there surrounded by so many of my kind of people gave me some clarity and focus on things I’d been wanting/needing to work through: I remember sitting there multiple times, talking to my girls or sitting in worship dancing like fools and the words, “i love this” kept popping into my head. I love this.

I love being with teenagers. I love helping them know and love God better. I love helping them find their story by sharing my own. I love being a part of a ministry that helps others find and know Jesus like it did for me.

I have no idea what this means for me and my future whatsoever, but I know that it didn’t keep coming up for naught. There has to be a reason behind it, right?

Anyway, ending my digression for what’s at hand: ever since leaving, and coming home, I’ve been just plain off. I feel shaky and sickly and just plain miserable physically; mentally I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing is right. Emotionally I’m homesick for a week I never expected to have such an impact (no pun intended) on me, and feel plain rung out. Drained.

Coming back to my normal has sucked. After being surrounded by people for 10 days, I’m back to the quiet. I’m back to the lonely. I’m back to the boring. I’m back to the exhausting drama that is living at home.

Coming home to a place that isn’t all that full of Jesus and full with mostly silence and drama was a brutal crash to reality. It’s a crash that I should have prepared for but wasn’t expecting to be so hard… and yet, I know myself: everything is hard for me to return home from. Everything.

I was surrounded by Him and His people and now I’m home surrounded by nothing. And I want nothing more than to be surrounded by Him and his people again.

Today as I was struggling, I felt a nudge. A thought popped in my head from nowhere.

I’m here, too. I can surround you here.

Yeah, it’s not like being at Impact, surrounded by people like me that love nothing more than to praise his name and learn more about him. It’s not like building relationships and making memories in the dorms like it was there. Being home isn’t like being at Lipscomb or being at church or with mission trip friends. It’s just not.

But it doesn’t mean God can’t find me here. It doesn’t mean God isn’t already here with me. I just have to step out of the muck and and take a deep breath. When I stop and breathe, I pay attention. And I feel myself slowly sinking back into the rhythms of grace instead of the rhythms of my chaotic life, and I feel a little bit more like who He’s made me to be instead of an anxious hot mess.

Last night, my friend Patrick said something that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around:

everywhere we are, God is there.

He’s not just at Impact, though it was easier for me to feel his presence when I’m surrounded by community that loves him and his people like I do. He’s not just at church, or in the sunrise or the stars I love so much. He’s everywhere. And He’s in me. He’s with me. I cannot go anywhere without Him being with me.

No matter where I go or where I’ve been: God is there. He’s in my anxious night and the panic attack that has been on the cusp of overflowing today. He’s in my fears and worries and struggles. He’s in my mountaintops and victories and joys, and he’s in my sorrows and sadness, too.

He’s not just here or there. He’s everywhere I am. I can’t get that out of my mind.

No matter where my anxious thoughts or sadness take me, he is there. And He can surround me in the midst of them, even if i don’t feel it quite like I did last week.

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In the midst of writing this long ramble of a post, this song we sang in worship last night (and a few times during Impact as well) kept bubbling up in me, so I stopped and did something I never do at home: I worshiped out loud. I sang loudly, hands in the air and all.

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I’ll remind myself
Of all that You’ve done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
Lord I’m forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

In that moment I felt more peace than I’ve felt since leaving campus Saturday morning. I am His, mountain high or valley low. And He is with me everywhere I go.

And anxiety can’t take that away from me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifeJRC5lvhs

for whatever reason wordpress isn’t showing the video, but it’s a link to the song from above! (Love Came Down). A favorite.

image credit: swtblessings.com/2014/04/god-is-listening.html

 

on one of my worse anxiety/depression nights during Impact (i was super overwhelmed/exhausted the 1st two nights of Senior), the worship leader led us in a call/response with this Psalm… it’s now become one of my favorites. It was perfect timing. (Then we sang Mighty to Save which is my song and it was like God has a sense of humor or something y’all). ❤

want {five minute friday}

happy almost weekend!

This is my last lazy week for awhile. Next week I’ll be a camp counselor for the first time (woo!) for 2 weeks, so it’ll be a bit crazy busy ’round here.

This week’s word for five minute friday is:

annnd GO!

I wrote just a few days ago about how I wanted more out of friendship and community. Kate’s got good timing on words. haha. (you should go read that post, it’s a good one, me thinks).

But right now, I’m wanting something else.

I’m reading through Ephesians right now with my friend Kelsey; I struggle a lot with reading scripture alone so we decided to go through it together (i’m supposed to be reading it in prep for camp). Today we tackled chapter 2, which is now one of my favorite books ever.

There were two verses that kind of gripped me:

 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought nearby the blood of Christ. (v. 14 NIV)

 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundationof the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy templein the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (V 19-22, emphasis on 22 mine)

I want to be near to Him. I want to know him better and not be plagued by distance. It reminds me of the prodigal son: no matter how far I am away, He is waiting to run towards me with arms wide open.

I want to be where He dwells. I want Him to be near, working and dwelling within me. That verse reminds me of the song Sanctuary, one I sang throughout my youth group days.

Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary

pure and holy

tried and true

With thanksgiving

I’ll be a living Sanctuary for You.

A few days ago one of my former youth group leaders posted a video of his son singing the song, and it brought so much joy to my heart– and the song hasn’t left my mind since.

I want to see what that looks like in my life. What does it mean to be a living sanctuary for Him to dwell in?

 

I want to be near to God. I want to be a sanctuary for him to dwell in.

I want more out of my faith than I’ve given God the past few years; slowly,but surely, i’m figuring out how to get there.

 

 

 

This word reminded me of this song, a new single off Switchfoot’s soon-to-be-released album (comes out the day after my birthday, holler). “Take me broken, make me one; break the silence and make it a song. Life is short, I want to live it well. And you’re the one I’m living for.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

forget me not.

“What are you so afraid of?”

---

This was a question we were asked as part of a webinar hosted by Hannah Brencher last night. She started doing this online series called Cravings; last night’s class was the 2nd one.

The topic of this particular class was community.

I’ve written about community here before… primarily about how much I suck at it. Because I do.

Part of me is incredibly happy by myself, introverting all day, every day.

The other part of me is lonely. And is wanting more than a community on the screen (though the communities I’m apart of online are wonderful and amazing, mind you).

I want people. I need people. For both the silly, simple things, and for the hard questions and honesty hours. I want to be with people that I love and that love me back. 

I’m by myself (with the exception of my mom) almost every day. Somedays I don’t leave the house. The most human interaction I’ve had since graduation has been online and with family. I run errands, go to exercise classes, but nothing more. I rarely talk to people via texting unless we’re making specific plans. Never just to chat.

I want more than that in my life. But I’m terrified of it.

She said that fear is a big reason why we struggle with community, and that we needed to call the fears out loud– say what the reason is we’re afraid to be in community with one another.

“You must be willing to pinpoint your fear and give it a name if you ever want to grow bigger than it. Don’t allow fear to hold you back from what you truly want. Push into the fear instead of running away from it.”

When Hannah then asked us what we were afraid of and told us to either write it down or put it in the chatbox on the webinar’s page, I had to think for a minute to pinpoint why I’m afraid of community. Why am I afraid to be vulnerable or intimate (I hate that dang word, I swear), with people– even those I consider close, best friends? I wasn’t really sure, at first.

I finally settled on an answer. And it hasn’t left my head since.

I’m terrified of being forgotten. Left out. The one that’s not in on the inside joke or the secret. Unwanted.

I’m terrified that people see the real me– the whole me– and want nothing to do with me for it.

I’m always afraid of people not remembering things I’ve told them or things I’ve done. Or of being forgotten at an event or gathering, my presence being unacknowledged or uninvited.

I love my people deeply. I remember the minute details, whether told to me in-person or seen via social media. I always text back, call back, check on people when they have something going on, respond to social media and try to make plans with people(and I never forget them). I randomly text people if I’m reminded of something they’d like or about things we have in common. I don’t always feel like I get that love back from my people.

I put so much of myself out there to people. I’m not afraid to tell parts of my story if I trust the person. I can be honest and vulnerable when I’m one-on-one with people (and via social media), but I feel like it’s rarely, if ever, reciprocated.

There are so many times where I feel invisible to the people around me.

I get that people are busy living their lives, obviously. But, that includes community. And I sometimes feel like that community doesn’t include me.

I feel like I could be telling a story or having a conversation with someone and if a better story or better person comes up, I’m dropped and the conversation is over. I have trained myself to be loud, not because I don’t think people can hear me, but because I hated being spoken over– and by being loud, I can at least attempt to hold the conversation without feeling less than.

This is something I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. Besides dance and school, I rarely did much with people other than my family. Except for one girl; I was very close to this girl in elementary through 6th grade- she was someone I, at the time, called a best friend. We lived down the road from each other, i spent countless hours playing with her and her siblings at their house. I remember that she was the one outside friend that was EVER invited to one of my birthday parties when I was little.

Our friendship slowly dissolved in middle school, thanks to drama and gossip and middle school (and a teacher who stuck her nose in places it didn’t belong). I remember having a come-to-Jesus meeting about everything with her, her mom, and my grandmother. Things came to a head and it got kind of ugly (for middle school), so we decided we needed to talk things out.

I don’t remember her exact words, but her mom said something to the effect of, “are you sure you were even ever friends?” 

I’ve never forgotten that. Suddenly 3 years of friendship went out the window and was erased because she found new people she liked better.

A wound like that cuts deep.

I always wonder when I speak to people if I’m fully seen. Or really: if I’m fully wanted.  If they wish they’d rather be somewhere else with someone else. I’m always afraid I’m not good enough to be a part of people’s lives and conversations; I don’t always like the same things or get the jokes, or know the stories. It’s isolating. I’m scared I’m going to be forgotten accidentally; plans made that are forgotten (every time I make plans I’m afraid people will forget me) or that people forget to invite me to things.  I always wonder if I’m saying the wrong things or saying too much. I wonder if people are just talking or hanging out with me until the better friend or person comes along. I always question if people are saying things about me when I walk away (the above friendship story has a lot to do with that– the gossip train is what ruined that friendship). I’m one of those people that checks her social media accounts and wonders why people unfriend/unfollow me. While I shrug those offer quickly, it’s still something that bugs me.

This whole wanting to be part of a community thing is hard for me, yet I try so hard. I just want people that are willing to try hard back. I haven’t found them yet. 

I can’t help but think that i’m doing something wrong, when I give 100% and people don’t give it back. Do we not have the friendship I thought we had? It’s confusing and frustrating and lonely. I don’t just want friendships and communities where we talk about the weather and nonsense (though that is loved and needed sometimes); I want a close friendship with someone(or two) that I can walk through the good, bad, and ugly with. I want a community that I can talk to about my junk (in person, not just online-I’m good at that one) and be loved in spite of it.

I don’t want an all-fluff type of relationship. I need deeper friendships. I need tight-knit community. I need friends that text me just because, friends that send notes of encouragements (words of affirmation= biggest love language). I want people that remember my stories and the little details, and celebrate things big and small with me. I need friends that I can be fully honest with and them not walk away. But I worry that people will see my mess and forget I existed, or won’t want me with the baggage i have. I don’t want to give my all in a  community and then be left out of it. 

I’m terrified about being forgotten by people I remember so often. By people I care deeply about and love wholly.

I’m scared of being left alone when all my friends are out doing life together. I want to do life together, too. 

I run from community because I’m afraid it will forget me– when I’ve spent so, so much time trying to be remembered. 

 

Haven {five minute Friday}

Disclosure: my laptop got stolen/ went missing this past weekend, so I’m writing on my phone. This’ll probably be longer than 5 minutes for that reason 🙂 
The word this week is: haven. Hmm. Interesting! 

When I first thought about this word, My first thought was the song/Psalm: better is one day in Your courts, better is one day in Your house, better is one day in your courts than 1000 elsewhere.
When I first heard this song in youth group in middle school, I kind of thought it was about church: not to the church, but the church I went to. The church was the first place I really ever felt at home, so I thought this was about church itself as being better than any other place. I thought that the song was more about going to church and doing things at the church, you see. 

This got hard when depression (and eventually anxiety) hit: the church didn’t feel all that safe. It felt like a group of perfect people that couldn’t understand my brokenness. While no one directly caused this, it was just how it felt: everyone seemed like they had their lives altogether, and I was in the dark, lonely and terrified to say anything for fear of sticking out like a sore thumb.
So I quit going. I didn’t want to feel like that: the haven I’d created suddenly didn’t feel so haven-like. (I actually have a post about this  topic in my drafts, but am waiting till i get a new computer cause writing this dang post one word at a time is driving me crazy!!)

But Now I know: it’s not the church that’s my safe haven: it’s God himself.

He is my safety.
He is where I should go when I am lost. 

He is my sanctuary. 

He’s my haven. My protection. 

He’s my savior: the one who will save me from myself. 

It’s not about the place. Or the people in the place. It’s about Him.

Because it’s stuck in my head now…