brand new.

I’ve spent the past 48 hours either:

1. on the phone with someone from Lipscomb

or    2. emailing (multiple) people from Lipscomb.

basically with the goal of trying to help me figure my life out… after I thought I had it all figured out already, dangit.

(thanks for that reminder, God. Just wish it was more subtle this time ’round).

~

A few weeks ago I wrote about confidence issues in the classroom.

Quickly after I realized it wasn’t just confidence issues.

It was I don’t want to be here issues.

I stopped asking myself if I was capable, and started asking myself if I really wanted this.

Did I want to do this my whole life? If I was drudging through through student teaching miserable, what would happen in my own classroom? Could I handle every aspect of teaching on my own? Could I deal with the pressure on top of everything else expected of teachers?  I wasn’t sure.

My professors gave me a 3 day break from student teaching to gather my bearings and try to see if I could re-start my placement after a break to regroup.

Every night leading up to returning last Monday was filled with panic, misery, and breakdowns. I knew then that this wasn’t going to work.

I decided it wasn’t worth it for my mental health and sanity to sit around and wait it out.

So I quit. 

Normally I’d be ashamed if I quit something. This time, I’m not.

I was instantly relieved. A little scared, yes. But mostly, pure relief.

Some things are just not worth it, guys. And in this season, losing all I’ve gained back of my mental health over the past year is not worth the stress I was in after 3 weeks. It just wasn’t.

Maybe I’ll go back to it in the future. Maybe I’ll find a different role in education (already thinking that route).

Maybe I’ll chase a new dream I haven’t even discovered yet. Maybe this is just a time to breathe, and not worry so much about the future. (I wish).

Frankly, I don’t have a clue yet.

That in itself scares me to death. 

But sometimes, you just have to do the scary thing. Even if you don’t know what that thing is just yet.

Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and start all over. 

Shauna Niequist, always able to eloquently say what my brain is thinking.

At the time I’m writing this, I’m not 100% sure what the logistical plan is. I’ve had about 5 professors conversing via email about it on my behalf this afternoon/evening. I might not know for sure until Monday, but it looks like if I can get my classes in order, I can graduate with my Writing degree in December. It’ll be hard work. (Really hard). But I’m up for the challenge.

Choosing to do the scary thing is not my norm. But, I’m ready for something new… even if it’s bound to scare me half to death.

here’s to believing the fear is worth it.

here’s to new, unfinished chapters.

here’s to brand new.

Alone {Five Minute Friday }

This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is…

alone.

GO.

Alone

with my thoughts.

they suffocate and weigh me down;

thoughts and desires

and

worst-case scenarios

swirl through my head,

a constant recording

looped on repeat.

choices

engulf every inch of me

physically,

emotionally,

spiritually.

I try to make up my mind

by myself,

thinking only I know

what my heart truly wants.

life, however,

constantly reminds me

how I don’t know it all

(despite wanting to),

and sometimes I need

a little help,

a guiding thought,

a reminder of support

from others.

alone

is where

i drown.

community

is where

I am pulled

from the depths

of my own mind,

back to the shore.

alone is where

my thoughts enslave me,

but they remind me

that i need people

to break those chains.

STOP.

*dudes, I never write poetry. Kind of a vulnerable thing for me, as creative writing=not my forte. But this is how my thoughts were rolling tonight, so I rolled with it… I’m kinda scared to go back and read it. No meter, no scheme… just free-versin’ it. Hope it’s readable and understandable. (i went back and added some commas so it’s a tad more readable. didn’t change any words though, promise!)

Find {Five Minute Friday}

It’s Five Minute Friday Time! 5 minutes, no editing, revising, or overthinking–just write! To learn more and join us yourself, check it out here: Five Minute Friday.

This week’s prompt is:

 

Find.

GO.

Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find. 

Earlier this week I wrote a post about finding my lost teaching confidence. (life is ironic sometimes).

Now instead of finding confidence, I’m seeking out answers. trying to find what I’m going to do.

Am I going to stay the course (despite being miserable and in tears practically EVERY day so far?)

Am I going to drop education (my life-long dream) and pursue something I don’t even know yet?

Am I going to postpone everything and just breathe for awhile so I can figure my life out?

I don’t know.

I met with my education professors yesterday; they suggested taking the rest of this week off to regroup, think, decide my plans.

I’m trying. But I’m not finding anything out yet. After 1 day, I’m already overwhelmed with this desicion (it’s not exactly a tiny one, either). Do I stay and be miserable? Do I try and discover something else I’m supposed to do? I’m trying so hard to figure this out before time forces me to choose something…

I’m searching, researching, questioning, debating, (over)thinking… but I’m not finding anything yet.

STOP.

finding my confidence (again).

To be angry is to react and to be brave is to stand and fight; therefore, your reaction has always been to run. ~Gregory, Romeo and Juliet (modern translation).

I’m teaching  Romeo and Juliet right now- a play I personally can’t stand (sorry, Mrs. Scott!). I’ve never taught it before, or taught this age group (freshmen).

I am struggling. Royally.

I’ve taught three times so far in my teaching placement. Three breakdowns in class.

The last time, I floundered so miserably, I wasn’t sure if I could do this job. Or if I even wanted to anymore.

I’m still there, if I’m being honest with you. Not only do I know if I truly want to do this anymore… I’m really not sure if I can.

My confidence when it comes to teaching has never been this low. I’ve always felt like this is what I was good at. Until this placement. Now I’m second guessing and over thinking and am utterly confused about what to teach, how to teach it, and if I’m doing anything right at all. I sure as hell don’t feel like I am.

~

I love teaching. I am passionate about education and helping students learn.  Every placement up until this one I felt more prepared to be a teacher- and a good one, at that.

But after this week, I can’t help but wonder if I can do this. If I should do this. If I can’t handle student teaching, can I handle my own classroom?

I’ve taught 7th grade and 12th grade in previous placements. In 7th, I did a mini-unit on plot and characterization as a review (with a centers lesson plan I adored). We read Rikki Tikki Tavi and I laughed at my students’ antics. Then, I taught  The Omnivore’s Dilemma, a book I’d never read (and barely heard of). I read along with them and wrote my lessons as we went, since the classes were different and the book was a dense non-fiction text that was hard for even me to read. I taught about citing evidence in the text and did an advertising project with my students that was both really fun and left them thinking about the persuasive techniques they see everyday.

In 12th, I taught Macbeth, which I love–but if I’m being honest, I still struggle reading Shakespeare (I just don’t like it, honestly). My teacher helped me fill in gaps where I needed them, helped me with discussion and  covering my bases. She let me try new things and activities and really liked them enough that she used them in other classes. I left with a lot of confidence, thinking if a veteran teacher could learn from me, I could conquer whatever class  I was in next. I was wrong.

Both times I’ve done really fantastic lessons and left feeling like I taught my students well.

Both placements I felt like I knew what I was doing. Even when I messed up, or forgot something, or things didn’t go exactly as planned… I felt like I could get back up again. I still loved it, and was ready to try again the next time.

This time I’m not as sure.

I don’t feel confident in teaching anyone anything right now.

~

I’m a runner-awayer (yes that’s made up, roll with it). When shit hits the fan, I run. When conflict happens, I cower in the corner and escape as fast as I can. I am a perfectionist–so when my plans go up in flames, my first instinct is to just give up on them.

So when I screwed up royally Friday, I emailed my supervisor telling her I wanted to give up.

I started trying to see if I could graduate without student teaching (still looking into that, if I’m being honest in this moment).

I decided I couldn’t do it. And I was right– when I stopped believing I could do it was when I fell flat on my face.

Funny how that works, right?

~

I’ve never been a confident person.

One friend recently told me I don’t give myself enough credit. (Thanks Lauren).

My favorite teacher from high school wrote in my yearbook that I underestimated myself and my abilities. If only you could see yourself through the eyes of those that love you, she wrote. (God bless Sam Davenport).

I know this about myself. I constantly overthink, the what ifs eat my brain every second of every day, and I don’t feel capable of success. Ever.

I know this is something I have always struggled with.  But I don’t know how to fix it.

I want to feel like I can do this. I’ve wanted it my whole life. I was the kid that wrote worksheets for her cousin as a kid and instructed her how to do them (sorry Cassidy!). School was a safe haven growing up- I loved it. I always have.

I have been a writer most of my life too–and lo and behold, the first time I felt confident about it was from a teacher (again, thank you Davenport). All it took was one comment telling me I was a good writer to make me believe it (and somehow still believe it, all these years later– one memory I’ll have forever). Teachers have that kind of power- to either lift up students’ confidence and spirits, or to break them down, causing a wall to be put up. Both have happened to me,

If I could give a student the confidence about something that she instilled in me about writing, this would all be worth it.

But how can I give anyone confidence in anything if I don’t have confidence myself?

~

Teaching was the one. thing. I felt confident in about myself. My looks? Ehh. Grades? Not always. Relationships? hahaha.

But teaching. Teaching has always been MY THING. From the first time I was in a classroom, I felt like I could do this thing.

Until now.

~

I’m not brave enough to stand and fight right now. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get me back to that place-where I felt at ease teaching, confident that my kids were learning and understanding what  I was teaching. I’m afraid the minute  I get back in front of my students tomorrow, my instinct is going to be to run.

I have had plenty of conversations this weekend with people that believe in me–friends, family, mentors. They all think I can own this, I can do it, that I will make it.

But I just can’t believe it for myself.

The past few weeks, I’ve said this prayer to myself: Jesus, I know you believe in me. Help me to believe in me too. 

I want to believe in me. I just don’t know how right now.

And I’m scared it’s going to make me quit and run.

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to keep teaching R&J… but I’m so lost on where to even start teaching that I’m struggling with the how. I don’t believe I can do this.

Someone, help me find my confidence again. My teacher confidence is a confidence I’ve always had… until now.

Learn {Five Minute Friday}

This week’s Five Minute Friday prompt is:

(kinda perfect for me right now)

learn.

Learning is on my mind 24/7 currently.

7 days into student teaching and I’m ready to call it quits, in a lot of ways.

I’ve had a migraine that just won’t go away since Monday. Stress all week about things out of my control, things I’m overthinking, things I shouldn’t be worried about.

Worried about how I’m going to teach freshmen anything about Romeo and Juliet when I can barely put one foot in front of the other right now.

I’m learning a lot. I’m learning about the ins and outs of being a true blue teacher– every detail (the good, bad, and ugly). I’m learning about freshman and how hilarious they are (and how they never stop talking). I’m learning the responsibilities of having my own class (in someone else’s class, which is just plain awkward).

But right now? I’m learning the most about me.

How I am under intense pressure left and right (hint: it’s not good).

How bad my mental health is currently (bad).

How much I want to give up on myself and this dream I’ve had since childhood. I thought I had it all figured out. I don’t.

Mostly? I’m learning about how much I have left to learn. About teaching… but mostly about myself.

here {Five Minute Friday}

Five Minute Friday time! 5 minutes, write what comes to mind. no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation. Just write. This week’s word is:

Here.

I started student teaching this week. Next week I take the PRAXIS exam I should have taken in May; as long as all goes well, I will be full-time teaching a week from today.

I’ll be full-time teaching at my alma mater, a literal dream come true.

I live in the neigboring county from my university, so I was quite shocked when they OK’d me to student teach at my school. despite my requesting it, I figured they’d want me to stay in the metro area, but was pleasantly surprised. and relieved.

Here, I feel at home. I love being at a place where teachers, principals, and students already know and love me.

Here, I feel prepared. The teachers I had at this school prepared me to be teachers, and the professors I had in colleged helped shape me and pave the way.

Here I am. At the biggest new chapter of my life. At a place I love, a place I feel so comfortable in.

Here. Here in this moment, in this season, in this place like home- I am at peace. I am happy.

ok i won’t lie: I may have edited one word because I repeated it in about 10 times. I tried, I promise!