lighting up my darkness.

I was planning on doing a different post (something about the amazingness that was my binge-marathoning Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt this weekend) but then something else came up.

By about noon today, I knew this was going to be a bad anxiety day. I  just couldn’t get this bad feeling to shake away. I was having cold chills/sweats (something I always have when I’m feeling anxious) and I just felt clammy and shaky and uncomfortable and just plain off. I’m overthinking and worrying about next semester and beyond, something triggered by a discussion with someone about getting just an English degree instead of an Education degree (and not having plans for after graduation, and getting a “useless degree.” ugh, people. I hate people sometimes). Even though I know not to think too much into his words, they’ve been at the back of my mind all week, bothering me way much more than I should let them. Ugh.

Sometimes, I can tell when I’m going to have one of these days, which is nice because I can pull out my tools to combat it before it spirals into an attack. I have a handful of things I typically do, such as watch something funny (ahem Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!)  or write (ahem this post) or read or listen to music (hallelujah for Christmas music season!). Somethings I do are impossible right now, like walking (raining+midnight+not safe in my neighborhood, sadly), so I do other things to calm my brain. Sometimes I can work myself off the ledge, sometimes I go into attack-mode anyway (and that’s just lovely). These things worked somewhat for the most part, except for the fact that it’s almost 2am and I’m still awake. Yeah. So they didn’t work much tonight. sigh.

Another thing I’ve started doing more recently is read scripture. This is something, for a believer at least,  that would feel like a no-brainer; alas, when I first started dealing with anxiety, it was really hard to find solace in scripture. Mainly because I felt like it was not helpful; sure, it might help me find comfort or peace, but it wasn’t helping my situation any. It isn’t as much of a distraction like other things I do to help me are (it requires a lot more brain power for me to read and understand scripture). Also, laughing and writing and walking are physical/tangible things I can do that give me a literal calmness as well as a mental one; scripture could help my soul, sure, but not so much my overwired, overthinking brain (on top of the physical symptoms). Laughing forces me to physically feel better, and distract my brain from the ugly; walking requires me to breathe in, breathe out, and focus on every step, instead of overwhelm myself with my thoughts.  By writing down/journaling about what I am anxious about and what I am feeling, it releases the anxieties onto paper, and helps me to visualize the problem; it also lets me focus on details like grammar and punctuation, freeing my brain from thinking about what’s giving me anxiety.

Scripture felt like another to-do list thing, instead of something I could use in this battle against my brain. While I feel like in a lot of ways this struggle has strengthened my faith, scripture was an area that was not one I could turn to for help much.

Until I started reading the Psalms. Goodness, King David and I have a lot more in common than I realized.

Take one look at the psalms of David: you see psalms of highs and lows, praises from the mountaintop and screams from the valley. He’s a walking talking roller coaster of emotional struggle, this David. Quite like me.

I resonate so much with his struggle of needing rescue, of leaning on the Rock that is higher to get through the day, of waning to praise but struggling to get to that place of worship when in the depths. I struggle with wanting and needing some solace, some peace and help. David shows me that it’s OK to cry out to God for help, to praise Him in the midst of the struggle, to be angry when God doesn’t answer…

He basically teaches me that it’s OK to be an emotional hot mess.

I’ve always tried so hard to fit my emotions into a box, to not open up to God about my struggles (because why would he care?). but David. oh, David. He is so much more honest than I feel like I can be. He knows that God can take our emotions (he made ’em after all) and bottle our tears. He hears, He knows. He listens. David knew this. So he screamed and fussed, he cried and tore his clothes in desperation. He praised and worshiped in spite of his emotions, too. I’m still learning that one.

Tonight I was led to Psalm 18 by happenstance (aka twitter, God speaks through social media a lot). Particularly verse 28:

You light a lamp for me.
    The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.

I really love The Voice Translation of this one:

He doesn’t just offer me a lamp, a light in the midst of my darkness: he IS the lamp. He IS the light. He lights up my darkness. Not just the darkness of the world, but MY darkness- the darkness that I battle every day. He provides light to my way and my path, even if I can’t see where it’s going yet. He does. I have to believe that, otherwise I’d spiral into anxiety of the unknowns. I have to believe that He knows what I’m doing and where I’m going, cause I sure as hell don’t. If I didn’t think or know that He holds what’s next in his hands, I’d probably go a bit crazier than I do now about the future. As much as I want to know, I’ll trust that He’ll continue to light my way as life unfolds. And He’ll continue to shine Himself into the midst of my darkness. Because sometimes life is just too dark for me on my own; that’s when I realize how much I need a savior to continue to light the path for me.

I think it’s kinda perfect that tomorrow is the beginning of Advent, one of my favorite times in the church. Tomorrow starts the season of anxiously anticipating the birth of Jesus, and preparing our hearts for the Savior’s birth.

It’s the  season where we welcome Light into the dark world. Where the weary world, full of dark and sin and mess, begins to prepare for light to enter back into the world in the form of Jesus. He was the light of the world then, and He’s the light to the world- and to my darkness- now. Hallelujah for that.

Scripture bring a lot more solace these days than it used to be. It’s more helpful in this fight than  I realized. It provides truth when anxiety and fear keep pouring lies into my brain. Funny how God uses words and His stories to reach me where other things can’t.

five minute friday {dwell}

hola. I was too tired to write this last night, plus I’d just written an important post (for me).

Today’s five minute friday prompt:

Dwell. I like this one!

Of course, an idea for the post hit JUST AS I WENT TO SLEEP. Figures.

So I’d planned to get up and write this morning… then got asked to come into work early this morning (like 4 hours early). It’s been a day.

GO

The past week or so, I feel like I’ve just been in a slump spiritually. It’s so funny because just a few weeks ago I felt so drastically different–I’d been reading scripture and journaling more often, praying more (and differently)… and then nothing. 

I don’t know if it’s from exhaustion or mental hell or what, but something is just blocking me from God.

When I pray, I feel like there’s a wall up– like no one’s listening or I’m not saying enough or praying the right things. I can’t read (both scripture or books) without just getting restless and distracted. I’ve been trying to follow along with She Reads Truth’s Psalms of Gratitude study (writing our own psalms= kinda awesome) but after 2 days I stopped. I just feel like I can’t even go through the motions right now, and I don’t know why.

The sucky thing: I want to. I want to pray and talk to God like he’s right beside me (which is hard for me because I struggle talking when no one’s there but that’s another story). I want to read scripture and keep learning and growing like I was. I want something more than the motions I can’t even go through right now.

Psalm 61 is one of my favorites when I’m struggling: (verses 2-4, emphasis mine):

Hear my cry, O God,
    listen to my prayer;
² from the end of the earth I call to you
    when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
    that is higher than I,
³ for you have been my refuge,
    a strong tower against the enemy.

⁴ Let me dwell in your tent forever!
    Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!

I love The Message version, too (v. 3-5):

You’ve always given me breathing room,
    a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
    an open invitation as your guest.

He is a place to get away from it all: the stress, the mess, the choices and pain… He makes me dwell in safety, as Psalm 4 reminds me. He lets me dwell in Him. He gives me space to just breathe. When all goes haywire… I breathe in, breathe out, and remember the He loves me. All will be well.

He loves me, all will be well…I breathe it in, breathe it out. 

Right now, I’m just giving it up: the motions, the practices I want to cling to… and just dwelling in His presence. He allows me to dwell in the safety of  His arms, even when I’m not feeling it. He is my safety, even when I don’t get him or understand.

So, I will dwell. I will forget the rest– it will come back in due time– and I will dwell in my safe-house. I will breathe in the space He so graciously gives me to do so. For even when I don’t know what to do or how to go through the motions— at least  I know where to dwell.

(longer than 5 minutes… but no editing! I tried. 🙂 )

 

365 Days.

In an email I got on Monday from a fabulous human, I was asked the following question:

From last November to the one we are standing inside of right now, what’s the best thing you’ve learned?

Looking back at the past year is not an easy feat for me, for a multitude of reasons. But last November? I can’t look back without wanting to cry. (I may or may not be crying now, in fact).

Last fall/winter (basically October through December) was one of the worst times of my life–but no one knew it. I was in the midst of mental hell. In October, I had been diagnosed with GAD, and it basically spiraled deeper and further as the months went by without me taking care of it. I was a walking zombie, barely sleeping any at night because the panic attacks and anxiety were keeping me up all night. I’d cry myself to sleep, afraid I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Praying God would wake me up each day. And getting up the next day numb and exhausted, only to do it again the next night.

November I was right in the thick of it– finishing up the hardest semester I’d ever had, on top of the mental illness I was refusing to deal with. Instead, I didn’t sleep, I pushed myself through it– and to the brink of a full mental breakdown.

I close my eyes and go back to that time, and I can’t believe that was my life just a year ago. The pacing, the sobbing, the yelling/screaming at God about how afraid I was. The isolation of no one seeing how broken I was on the inside, because I kept the outside looking as normal as possible.

I barely told anyone what I was dealing with, and literally told no one how severe it was until the end of December when I finally broke to a friend.

After that, I relented and got help (in the form of medicine and therapy together and speaking up when I’m struggling). In February I wrote about it for the first time (at least directly).

I can’t look back at that February post without crying. I was still in such a fragile state when I wrote that. I was still having a hard time putting last fall into words, because i wasn’t out of the woods yet.

Some days it still feels like I’m in the thick of it.  And in some ways, I am. Because this hell never ends– it ebbs and flows, but it’s probably never going to be something I’m fully ever ‘over.’

It took me awhile to understand that– that I’m not the same person I was before October 4th, 2014.

(even typing that date out sends chills up my spine).

I’ve had to grieve who I was before that day. I was a lot less worrisome (though some would argue not ;)) about every day life– I didn’t let fear control every little thing like I do most days now. I was a lot more closed-off, unwilling to be vulnerable; I’ve learned that that helps no one, especially not me. Sometimes you’ve just gotta speak your crazy out loud to know you’re not alone. I’ve learned that this year. I was a lot happier, in some ways. Living in fear isn’t exactly an exercise in happy. Panicking yourself to tears until you sleep isn’t all that cheerful.

But in other ways, I’m happier now. I’m more aware than I was– a lot more aware about how I’m feeling and what I can do about my feelings. Aware of how destructive my thinking is, and how to combat it. And I’m more aware about mental health and the stigma about it– how I contributed to the stigma before I went through it, and how i’ve seen the stigma in the reactions from people (most have been good, mind you. a few have missed the mark). I don’t feel as alone as I did before– I wasn’t alone before, but now I feel like I can be more open and honest with my people. Community has become a much more important facet of life these days.

This whole thing woke me up– it forced me to come alive in ways I hadn’t before. It made me depend on God to simply get through the night- a kind of dependence and trust I’d truly never had in God. I’ve had to lean on people and community more than I ever have in my life– I’ve had to ask for (and actually accept) more help and prayer and love than I’ve ever let into my life before. As much as I hate this whole mental illness thing, it’s opened me up in ways God has been working on for years. He’s been after me to be more open and trustworthy and personal–with Him and other people– for years. It’s been one of my greatest struggles, this wall I’ve put up to let Him and others barely able to break through the cracks.

GAD broke that wall down. Now I have no choice but to be real, to be honest when people ask “how are you?”, to be vulnerable about when I’m in the pits and not just when I’m happy. It’s taught me to share my whole self, and not just the perfect social media moments.

The wall broke down, and love broke through. Love in the form of “me too” and hugs and friends praying when I ask them to (and sometimes when I don’t). Love in the form of singing and memorizing Psalms, and David knowing an anxious heart better than any self-help book I can find. Love in music and books that make me cry because they are words written in such ways that capture my heart and mind right where I need them to. Love in the form of banagrams and walks around campus when my life feels frazzled, or friends just sitting with me or texts checking on me in the mornings to make sure I’m OK.

Love comes in many forms, I’ve learned.

As much as I hate this mental illness, it has completely changed my life. I’m a different person than I was 1 year ago– and personally, I think it’s mostly for the better. As much as I cry and scream and ask why this was the battle  I was given, why this was the mountain I was given to climb, I decided to climb with my hands wide open instead of clenched like I wanted to. I still want to somedays. I still ask, still cry, still get angry about why me– but that doesn’t change how much this has taught me, and how this has refined me into the me God is making me to be. I take community more seriously, I’m not as afraid to be honest and vulnerable, I laugh harder and deeper and don’t take as much for granted (as cliche as that one is). I enjoy moments and things and people more now; I celebrate the small victories and the things I check off my to-do list instead of letting them terrorize me.

This has made me less of who I wanted to be, and more of who God wanted me to be. 

I still worry and give in to the anxiety somedays– but it doesn’t change the fact that God is using this mess to make me better. To make my life more for Him and his glory as opposed to my own.

If the past year has taught me anything good, it’s this: even then in the midst of my mental hell,  in the questioning and frustrations, He is still God. He’s who he says he is, even when my life is changing in every way about me. And he is still good. Even if questions don’t get answered and I still feel this bitter anger about this year, He can take it. He takes it all and somehow uses it, despite me being me. And that is how he is still good. Even in my questioning and anger and sadness, He is still good.

I’ve learned that God is still God even when I’m not who I want to be. Or who I wish I was.

Except now, I don’t know if I wish to be anything else. Life past October 4th, 2014 has been hard as hell. But it’s given me so much more than life before it did. And maybe that’s what I’ve learned most of all.

It may not be how I wanted Him to change me, but I’m more of who I need to be now than I was this time last year, even if the road to getting here was dark and terrible and hard to look at.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to look at November 2014 without crying about the darkness and the fear. Until then, I can look back at November 2014 and the months since and see how God uses terrible circumstances and situations to change people into who He’s wanted them to be all along. As much as I hate that this has been my struggle the past year (and indefinitely), I will praise the one that uses the scary things to refine and make me into something new– something better than I could have ever done for myself. 

I’m still me. But I’m a new me. And I love him every day for it.

 

Two songs that got me through it: The Mountain (Jon Foreman) and Love Broke Through (Ellie Holcomb)

five minute friday {weary}

I’m baaaack. And not on my iphone this time, wee! Charger got here just in the nick of time.

This week’s prompt is weary. Kinda perfect timing for it, truly.

I don’t even know if I’m going to set the timer for this one.

There are some days where my mental illness just overtakes me. Every corner of the day, darkness just veils me in.

It’s so bizarre to me what a difference 24 hours makes. Yesterday was such an awesome day– got to spent time with 3 of my favorite people, 2 of whom I haven’t spent time with in months; then I had my first Cozumel meeting of the year, reuniting with some returning teammates excitedly, and being introduced to the new teammates. It was so fun, full of laughter and happiness and anticipation, talking about one of my favorite places on the planet. I went to bed cheerful and giggly.

And then today. It was like a parallel universe.

Today was just long,for starters. Started early for me (8:30, after lying awake til 2am) with puppy barking with his endless energy. Then an hour at the vet while my boy got another puppy shot. Then we got home, and I just collapsed into bed.

That’s where the darkness hit.

I don’t know if it’s my depression or the enemy or what, but whatever it is has a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect it. And it completely enveloped every part of me today.

Couldn’t read. Couldn’t write. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone- co-workers, kids at work, text messages, nothing. My phone died at work, and part of me was kinda glad. I just felt like hell for no reason.

Then, of course, life gave me a reason to feel like hell. Bad news, which led to massive anxiety and overwhelming fear and tears when I didn’t want them. (who wants to cry in front of toddlers? I’d hear “why are you crying?” 100 times!) Then work was kinda blah, and I was stuck there until 6 on the dot tonight (why are parents late on the worst days? WHY?!?). More tears. I kinda feel like I’m on edge for a tear breakdown, then I get home and… nothing. It’s like I’m just empty.

Or maybe that’s just numbness.

So, that kinda sent what I was feeling kinda spiraling down further. The voices in my head kept reminding me how bad I felt, how bad everything was going, how stupid I was and how everything going wrong was my fault- the list of things my brain tells me when the darkness lurks is unending. I hate those stupid voices, and how much effing power they have over me and my mood.

Today, weary is only the beginning. I’m tired. I’m spent. I’m crashing down further when I (finally) felt like I was on an upward swing.

There are some days where the darkness wins. I crawl into bed, giving up, and just decide to let it win and sleep it off, praying for a better tomorrow. I cry and I get mean and I just give up on everyone and everything, letting the darkness control me.

I hate when I do this, even though some days it’s necessary. But I do it more than I should.

I give in to my weary mind, and just let the weariness take over every part of me. I get nothing done, and end up feeling worse the next day because of it. The guilt never ends.

I’m just scared of the day I give in further.

I want to fight the darkness. I want to fight the weariness. I want to fight whatever the hell it is that just keeps telling me to give the hell up. Because I heard that voice today. And I hear it more than I want to.

I just don’t know how. 

So, I need your help. I freaking hate admitting that, but I need advice, help, whatever you can give. What are the best ways to fight the weariness, to bring light to the dark? I just don’t know how.

I know scripture tells me when I’m weary he’ll give me rest. But rest isn’t what I need, I don’t think. I need something else to fight this darkness– to fight the war waging in my weary soul.

Because I’m sick of giving into the voices, into the darkness that ruins my days. I don’t want or need my days covered in darkness anymore. I need light.

I hate asking for help. I feel like a burden, even though I know it’s not, it is a burden and an imposition in my brain. But I asked for prayer tonight over at #fmfparty, and y’all came through in a big way (i felt it. truly). So, I’ll start there-  I covet your prayers. For light to overcome the dark. For the weariness to subside. For ways to fight back. Whatever else you think I need. Then, give me ways to fight back. Because I need practical things, tangible ways.

Because as much as it pains me, I can’t keep fighting this alone.

Alli Rogers has become a favorite, thanks to Sarah Bessey. She’s kinda wonderful.

Five minute Friday {dance}

I’m posting this FMF post super late, because my laptop charger went kaput last week. Blah. I’m still without charger, so I’m attempting this via the WordPress app. Weee.
Anyway, the prompt for the post was dance.
I love this prompt! You can go so many directions, and I love to dance. I was a ballet kid throughout elementary and middle school, and still take every opportunity I can to dance. It’s fun!

Go.

When I first thought of this prompt, all the dance related songs and movies kept passing in my head. I finally settled on one, a scene from one of my favorite movies, Silver Linings Playbook.

If you’ve never seen it, it’s one of the best portrayals of mental illness I’ve seen in a movie. My best friend introduced it to me mid-mental hell last Thanksgiving and I fell in love with it. I may have cried a little.

Jennifer Lawrence got an Oscar for this role (and Bradley Cooper deserved one). Basically Lawrence and Cooper are both struggling to come to terms with their mental illness. Tiffany (Lawrence) uses dance to cope, and enlists Pat (Cooper) as her dance partner in exchange for her helping him get through to his estranged wife.

The ending scene is the dance competition they entered. It’s full of professional dancers that are there to compete and win.

Tiffany and Pat compete just to do it- to prove they can dance and get the score they wanted.

I won’t spoil the ending for you (but the video above might!), but the dance was hilarious and awkward. The dance was nowhere up to caliber with the other competitors. But they didn’t care about that.

they just gave it their all. They worked, they practiced, and they tried.That was all that mattered to them.

They just wanted to prove to themselves they could do it– no one else on that floor mattered.

 We aren’t going to be perfect. We arent going to get all the moves and motions perfect in this life– sometimes they’re going to come out awkward and sloppy and funny to look back at. But God just wants us to try. He wants us to keep going even if we misstep or screw up. He promises to be with us through it all– He just wants us to try. To keep going, keep moving- and to keep being His as we do so. He’s a lot less concerned about the ending and the score life gives us than we are.

So, we dance. We try our hardest to dance through this life, knowing God is with us when we nail the moves, and when we take a wrong step. All we have to do is try. And that’s what dance is all about: learning, trying, and keeping moving, even when you mess up.
* longer than five minutes, cause typing on my phone sucks royally

I used to think…

Joining Sarah Bessey‘s Synchroblog/Link-up for her new book, Out of Sorts: Making Peace with an Evolving Faith.  My copy of the book should be here tomorrow (!!) and I cannot wait to read!!

If you’d like to participate on your own blog, here’s the prompt:

Write a post on your own blog based on this prompt: “I used to think ____ and now I think ____.”  And tell us a story of how you’ve changed and grown and transformed in your opinions, your theology, your preferences, your doctrine, whatever in response to the unchanging Christ.

—

When seeing this prompt, I had a few ideas about what to write. One, however, kept sticking out:

I used to think I had to do all the things to earn God’s love.

That I had to live the perfect life– live a life of striving for– for God to love me.

Now, I think (know) that there’s no earning when it comes to God’s love. 

It’s freely given. Graciously given. And there’s nothing I have to do to earn it. I receive it it just as i am. No perfect life necessary.

Nor is there anything I can do to earn it– no perfect life I can live, because there is no such thing. But I still tried my damndest to earn what I thought I had to.

—

I think it has a lot to do with my mentality of earning I’ve had since childhood: I have to do the things, to earn the rewards. And I had to do them perfectly.

I  have to be good, perfect, at everything I do, no matter if I like it or not. If I don’t, I’d let everyone down-especially myself.

Like I had to get the good grades to earn the praise (I’ll never forget the tear-fest when I earned my first B in 3rd grade, darn you Mrs. Karkau)

Or have a good (perfect) performance to receive the accolades.

I couldn’t just get these things as a kid. I had to earn the praise, the accolades, the good words.

Both from other people and myself. 

If I didn’t do what I thought I was supposed to, I didn’t get what I wanted (or in my case, needed).

I was told if I didn’t do it this way, I wasn’t doing it right; or if I wasn’t like this person, I wasn’t good enough.

I was raised to be a perfectionist in all I did– if it wasn’t as close to perfect as possible, it wasn’t good enough.

—

I spent a majority of my early years as a Christian with the same mentality towards my faith. I didn’t grow up in church, so I had no clue what to expect when I started going to church with a friend in 7th grade. I thought it was a similar process with a different goal: I had to earn His love and grace by doing as much as I could.

I had to do All The Things for Him to love me (and by “love,” I mean for him to actually do the things I wanted Him to, not actually love me). I had to go to church and every function the church offered; I had to volunteer to help everywhere– and not because I loved to serve (which I do) but for him to see me and pay attention to me; I had to go to every retreat and come back changed (which i did sometimes!) for me to really think He knew who I was. I had to be one of the youth group kids that closed their eyes during worship, hands raised and all in praise. (true story: when I first started going to church/youth group, I thought people closed their eyes during worship cause they knew the song. hahaha). I thought I had to be perfect for  Him to love me– and being a  ‘perfect’ Christian meant doing everything I deemed ‘Christian’– listen to Christian music, read only Christian books, read the Bible all the time, go on mission trips and every retreat/event on the church calendar… the list of ‘things’ goes on and on.

source: http://www.lisanotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Jesus-came-to-save-me-from-myself.jpg

I was the stereotypical good girl, the wannabe good church girl who tried to do and be everything because that’s how I thought God worked. The more I did, the more He loved me.  I did everything I was supposed to, everything I thought I had to, and tossed my issues, my struggles, my battles to the way side because I didn’t think they ‘fit’ with me as a Christian. God only wanted the good, shiny parts of my life– everything else was just baggage to check at the door, right? 

I spent the first 5 years of my faith life thinking that I had to earn love from God.

(I’ve spent even longer thinking I had to earn love from other people).

And then God showed up in my life. And as He tends to do, He flipped everything I thought on its head.

That happened freshman year of college.

It was in college that I truly starting knowing God– instead of just knowing about Him. And when I started knowing Him, He changed everything I thought about who He was– and who I am. 

When God showed up, he reminded me that no, I don’t check my baggage at the door when I follow Him. My life is still my life-– my story is still my story. He’s just the one in charge of the pen now. But by back story– my life pre-Jesus (and all the brokenness that comes with it) doesn’t disappear when He enters the picture.

You see, when college came around, I was very, very broken. Between questions I had about God and church, to family stress, to being a freshmen in college in a brand-new completely Christian bubble-like enviornment (coming from public schooling to private christian college= hello Jesus overload!), I was a hot mess. And in true fashion, instead of being up-front with my mess, I kept trying to do things-– go to every chapel offering, every campus ministry event, and try to “be Jesus” (read: be a complete and total overwhelmingly jerky,smug  religious person) to my suitemates– instead of owning up to my problems and accept His love and grace for myself. I kept trying to earn it, trying to strive for something that was out of my reach— because it had already been given.

Until I fell flat on my face trying to earn it. God then forced me to deal with my issues–to give them up, and be honest about what I was going through, instead of trying to live like life was totally perfect (because it wasn’t–nor was it ever).

It was only then, in the midst of my brokenness, that I finally started to realize that I couldn’t earn what had already been given.

For the first time in my faith life, I admitted that I was a mess. I wasn’t perfect because I did all the things– and my life didn’t suddenly become perfect and awesome when I started following Jesus like I wanted it to (or pretended it did).

And, what do ya know? God didn’t reject me for being imperfect! He didn’t hate me because my life was a completely shattered mess!! He didn’t leave me out to dry because I was broken and lost and… well, human.

He takes it all, piece by broken piece, and uses it. He loves me in spite of it, through it, and from that broken place. 

Once I figured that out, He taught me about grace. Mostly, He taught me about love— a love that cannot be bought, taught, or earned. 

Simply given. Freely given. 

And there’s nothing I can do to earn it, or lose it.

I still do the things for His kingdom, like worship, retreats, mission trips, reading scripture and other things– the things that intersect my love for Him and the gifts and joys He’s given me. But I don’t do them to earn love anymore. I do them to learn more about love– and for His love to be seen in me. I do them to know Him better and love Him better, not because it’s going to make Him love me more.

It’s because of the love He has so freely given that I do the things that I am called to do. Not the other way around.

I some days still live in that place of striving— that place where I’m not a ‘good’ follower if  I don’t do a certain thing, or don’t participate in an event… I still get wrapped up in that I have to earn His love and devotion, when I already have it. Breaking that habit is so hard. But He’s teaching me that He is enough. I don’t have to do the things, or go to the events to follow Him…I just have to be His.

I don’t have to be the person I think I have to be to be loved by Him. 

He loves me as I am. He made me as I am– and through His love, we’ll write the rest of story– brokenness and all. It won’t be perfect, but it will be full of Him and His fierce, undying love for me– and that’s enough.

Without all the other things, His love is enough. Unearned, free, and beautifully given for a wretch like me.

~~

 For it’s by God’s grace that you have been saved. You receive it through faith. It was not our plan or our effort. It is God’s gift, pure and simple. You didn’t earn it, not one of us did, so don’t go around bragging that you must have done something amazing.~ Ephesians 2:8-9 (The Voice)

—

 So who can separate us? What can come between us and the love of God’s Anointed? Can troubles, hardships, persecution, hunger, poverty, danger, or even death? The answer is, absolutely nothing. As the psalm says,

On Your behalf, our lives are endangered constantly;
    we are like sheep awaiting slaughter.

 But no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us.  For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers,  height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39, The Voice)

Nothing can keep us away from the love of the Savior

Thank you, Lord, from saving me from myself.

What I Learned In October.

I know. I just finished writing a 31 day-long series, and I’m already back. I just can’t stay away, i guess? 😉

But really, wanted to write a What I Learned Post for October before I forget it all. 😀 I should start writing these things down, but eh whatever.

Honestly, I just have to check back through social media to remember what I learned. Here we go:

1. October is the month of the comebacks, apparently. 

GUYS. GILMORE GIRLS. ADELE. OLD NICKELODEON. TRACY MORGAN. THE CUBS (*wipes tear*)

EVERYONE’S COMING BACK AND NOTHING HURTS.

But seriously, apparently October is the comback kid month. I wholly approve.

2. I am a serial book-starter. (and non-finisher)

Apparently these days I have an awful attention span when it comes to books. I’ve started 3 different books this month, on top of 2 I’d already started (whoops) and have yet to finish any of them! Yikes! I am making headway in Big Magic, though. It’s not even that the books aren’t keeping my attention– I just keep putting them down for other things.

And now guys I just pre-ordered Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey GUYS why I am doing this to myself?!?

I just want to read ALL THE THINGS at the EXACT SAME TIME!! Such a struggle.

Guess that means I need to spend more time reading, huh? Now that I won’t be glued to the laptop for 31 Days, I guess I can make more of an effort there. I hope.

3. A change of scenery can really make a huge difference.

Our roomates moved out earlier this month (*praise hands*), and with that, we got access to our screened-in back porch back. It was not that we couldn’t use it, but it was awkward because it’s attached to their room, and they frequented it often. So, now that they’re gone, I’ve spent many nights on the porch, reading, writing, doing Bible study… I apparently get a lot more done when I leave my bedroom. Imagine that!

It’s revitalized my reading life, my Bible study life (more on that in a minute), and it’s the one space in the house that is completely silent. If only it was heated, because these 70 degree days are becoming far and few between. (Sadness)

4. Choose the life-giving things– even if they make life harder. 

As of today, I am registered to go on my 4th mission trip to Cozumel, Mexico. I couldn’t be more excited!! When I think about it, I feel nothing but joy and anticipation (is it March yet?!?)

With all the crazy life changes lately, I didn’t know if it was going to be feasible for me to go–neither mentally nor financially. But, after thinking and praying on it, I said yes. Simply because when I think of Cozumel, I think of something that makes my soul happy– it’s life-giving. I knew that while it might be difficult, it’s currently one of the few things making me happy. So I said yes.

Sometimes circumstances make yes hard– even if it’s a good yes– but despite that, sometimes it’s the best answer.

5. My intuition is scary on point (and I need to trust it more often).

Y’all. God gave me intuition as one of my gifts in personality– I have a good feeler, and it has shown off a lot this month. I need to learn to trust my gut– it knows things better than my brain does sometimes. I love and hate this part of me, but the more I trust it, the more I love it– even if it gives me bad feelings about something. 

on that same line…

6. When you step up and do something, God shows up in the midst of it.

Even if it’s something as simple as going to a concert of a beloved singer. Instead of sitting at home, wishing I could go, I did the work, paid for the ticket, and made it happen. And God showed up. Life is made to be lived, people. I learned that most of all this month. I can sit in bed all day, or I can get off my butt and do something. And surprisingly, He showed up in spades when I actually did things.

7. Spontaneity is not the enemy.

Hard pill to swallow for someone that likes her plans planned out. But as I said above: when I did something spontaneously, it worked out in ways only God could explain. So maybe I should be spontaneous more often.

My spontaneous Jon Foreman concert was worshipful to my dry bones. And oh so needed time away from the house. I loved it so. (and have fallen back in love with Jon’s and Switchfoot’s music, which is never a bad thing).

(also learned: spontaneity is a really hard word to spell…)

8. Scripture is not only alive and well, but it keeps becoming more and more real and alive for me. 

Real talk: I struggle so much with sitting down and reading the Bible. I fully admit how bad I am about it. Part of me thinks I’m going to get bored; the other part of me is afraid of what I’m going to read. Because I’m supposed to live it.

Also, reading it alone without someone to read back to and talk about it with is hard for me– which is why I’ve relied so much on devotionals and whatnot– to provide me a dose of scripture with a good word/encouragement I need to hear.

Except scripture isn’t supposed to be a daily dose of encouragement. It’s supposed to be read, lived, and acted upon. (Even when it’s hard-actually, especially then). 

And I can’t get that by reading a teensy bit of scripture tied to someone else’s words about scripture–but from the scripture itself.

it does help that this journal is insanely pretty—but for scripture journaling, it’s also immensely practical. I have the 40 day version, but next time I’m trying the 90 day one!

So this month I’ve been going back to the basics– back to me and my good ol’ Bible. Not on its own, though– I found a fantastic journal from Life Lived Beautifully. Its whole goal is to help guide me through journaling scripture and prayer. And it has been such a gift. I have learned so much by reading and journaling through the scriptures. Right now I’m reading through Romans (plus a Psalm a day) and have learned so much more about scriptures I’ve read over and over again. It’s amazing when you delve right into the source how much more you learn than if you just scrape the surface, you know?

I’ve written about this a bit at one point this month, but I foresee another coming soon. Romans 12:2 is a earth-shaker, y’all.

(sidenote: I need suggestions of where to go when I finish Romans, so if y’all have suggestions, send ’em my way!).

9. Bob Goff practically lives in my head. 

So, I’ve been a Bob Goff fan since sophomore year of college. My copy of Love Does is practically falling apart, and I’m still waiting on that 2nd book he told me he was writing when I met him after he spoke at devo my sophomore year (c’mon Bob, we’re waiting!).

He posts a lot of quotes from Love Does or thoughts he’s written on twitter and instagram a lot. and lately, they’ve all seemed to be in-tune with either what I’m needing to hear, what I’m thinking, or things I need to hear but don’t want to talk about (or all of the above). He’s magical like that, i think.

Also: apparently the writers at Storyline have also been in my brain this month. This one, this one, and especially this one— it’s like Jenny Simmons is living my life right now. Ahem.

10. Grief isn’t reserved for the dying.

I finally (finally) let myself grieve saying goodbye to teaching. It sucked. Royally. but it needed to be done. I had to stop acting like I was okay with it when I was literally falling apart inside. So I cried. I yelled. I let myself be sad about what it all means, both logistically (ugh) and dreams-wise. I had it all figured out… then I didn’t. That’s flipping hard, guys.

When I finally let myself grieve it,  I think God helped me lift the burden a bit. He pulled me out and is preparing me for what’s next now that I’ve had my penance with the past (though it’s far from over- I’ll probably grieve this dream for awhile, if not forever). I’m not actively grieving it every day now, though- I’ve let the burden go. Now I’m ready for whatever is next (but I’d like a hint sometime soon, God. Thanks).

My blogger friend Kaitlyn also wrote about this grieving phenomenon this month, and her words echo so much of my own. Her whole 31 days series was pretty great, if you want some impactful reading. 🙂

11. All my life-changing ideas and words come to me in  the shower. 

Anyone else suffer from this strange thing? I felt the need to write something, and all the words literally came out while in the shower tonight. I remembered most of them, but dang, could ya wait til I’m in least an arm’s reach of a journal or something?

12. Sometimes, it’s worth it to buy things because they’re pretty, not because you need them.

Sarah Bessey wrote about this earlier this month, and she hit the nail on the head. I love my stuff. I like having things– sometimes just because I like them, not because I need them.

I’ve been so bad about cautiously saving every dollar I have, letting a nice thing go by even if I have the money in my account. What’s it going to do just sitting there? So I allowed myself to buy a couple of nice things I didn’t necessarily need this month- like my Jon Foreman tickets, my new Bible journal, some books, and a couple other random things.. They’re useful things, yes– and some, like the journal and the concert– impacted me much more than if I hadn’t spent the money. While I can’t buy every little thing I want (nor should I- girl’s got loans coming up!), it’s worth it to splurge on yourself when there’s something you want if you can.

And who knows, maybe God will work through the pretty things we have on earth-– like he did through my spontaneous concert and a new flowery journal. 🙂

13. Annie Downs never fails to disappoint. 

I saw Annie speak live twice- once at chapel this spring (Thank you, Caroline– and Lipscomb 🙂 ), and at Q Women last fall (thanks again, Campus Ministry!). She’s speaking again at Q next week, but unless I hit the lotto that ain’t happening on my own. But luckily for me, Q posted Annie’s talk from last year on their website, and I’ve watched it 3-4 times since then. Man. I love it so much. I’ve learned more from it every time I watch it. Not to mention she’s utterly hilarious.

14. Facebook’s On This Day app either cracks me up or makes me weep at nostalgia. 

It depends on how old the post is. If it’s college-age, probably weep with nostalgia. I saw a post about  Dodgeball and got all sad. I miss it.

If it’s high school, I laugh until I weep… if only because of how awkward i was. (and also, how did I keep any friends on social media when all I talked about in high school was Glee?!?! I would’ve unfriended myself if I could!)

15. And, finally: Write 31 Days was long, somedays hard, but it made me want to write more. 

I’ll probably write a post of its own to wrap up once I recover (ha!), but I enjoyed writing. Though by the last week I wanted to throw my computer, I am really glad I did it. It made me want to write more, at least more regularly (and gave me ideas about future posts). Next year, I’ll probably either come up with a theme or go day-by-day. I couldn’t do the topics FMF gave me some days because I had other posts in mind (if you couldn’t tell, God taught me a lot this month- and some days I just had to write it out!) or because I just could not figure out a post based off the word. Other days it was hard writing at all, because life. But i did it! I stuck through. I didn’t pre-write or schedule posts or anything– I just wrote every day. And I need to keep doing that– though I might not always post the writing, I need to write more every day. And if that’s all I got from it, it’d be enough. 🙂

Okay I think that’s enough- this is already a mouthful. I’ll leave you with a song, as I always do. Thanks to the Jon Foreman concert I’ve been on a Switchfoot/Jon Foreman kick as of late, so I’ll leave ya with an oldie and a new song off Jon’s last Wonderlands EP, Dawn:

Dare You to Move– always a good choice

Mercy’s War– so much goodness.

and one more-Thrive (been on repeat the past few days).

May November be what God entails it to be- and for us 31 Day-ers, may it involve less blogging and lots of napping 🙂