hola. not too chatty tonight– I’m only halfway upright and the heating pad has been my best friend all day (and not for my back this time… let’s just say being a girl sucks sometimes).
Anywhooo… this week’s word: Kate once again has good timing.
I hate depending on other people.
I’m a helper by nature. I like helping everyone else. But being helped? Not so much.
I was discussing this with a girlfriend over dinner last night. It’s hard for me to depend on people because I spent most of my childhood depending on myself for everything. I had a roof over my head and food and the basics… but love and support and comfort? Nope. So I got used to not getting that from others, thus not being willing to let people in enough that I can depend on them, lean on them in my times of need, let people help me or love me like I do them.
It’s hard to live life dependent only on yourself. it gets quite lonely and exhausting quite quickly.
Help is my word for 2017– I haven’t been super vocal about it, mainly because I’m still struggling through this whole letting people help me thing. Letting myself depend on other people is never going to be easy, but I’m getting better at it.
Last night I was reading in my A Moment to Breathe devotional from incourage (I’m on the launch team for it, releases next week!). The devotional got me right where it hurts:
It legit made me cry.
I long for a community like this. One that asks the hard questions, that cuts right through the bull and the lying “i’m fine” answers and holds you in the hard stuff. I need this kind of friendship where people see you and know you and go to the throne room on your behalf when you can’t yourself.
But I have to let people in enough, I have to actually depend on people for this kind of relationship to happen.
Stop.
any others out there get this– and if so, how do you figure it out enough to find the community you can depend on?
This song has absolutely nothing to do with this post, it’s just one of my favorites (and what I was listening to as I wrote this). I love her voice.
Hii. Wasn’t too chatty at fmfparty tonight. Tired and not in a social mood. This week has felt long yet I’ve barely left my house. Don’t know how that happened.
This week’s word:
I’ve always had this innate longing to belong. To be accepted just as I am by the people around me. For the longest time, I thought the way to do this was to make people happy– this stems from childhood trauma that i won’t go into, but essentially if I didn’t get straight As, or wasn’t perfect for my family, I felt like I failed. Thus my life-long struggle to be perfect, to be the shiny version of myself, to try to please everyone because that was what would make them love me began. When in my heart of hearts I wanted someone, anyone, to see me as I am and accept me for it– no strings attached, no prerequisites or goals to meet to be loved.
When in my heart of hearts I wanted someone, anyone, to see me as I am and accept me for it– no strings attached, no prerequisites or goals to meet to be loved.
I’ve been on the launch team for the book Dance Stand Run by Jess Connolly, and y’all, it is good. It is about grace and holiness and mission and you are going to want it in your hands when it comes out. I really think it’ll change the world.
In the first chapter, she talks a bit about belonging. This quote caught me in my throat:
“I don’t want to ask other humans to fill up the gaps in my soul.Rather, I want to be
taking the soul answer to them: Jesus. If we’re going to change the world and stop being changed by it, we’re going to have to acknowledge that we already belong, we already have a place, and we’re already accepted. Not by humans or community or the kind gals we do life with, but by Jesus.”
I don’t have to be accepted by people (even if I want to be so badly). I don’t have to please everybody by trying to be it all, do it all.
I don’t have to act like I have it all together when He already does.
i’m already accepted. My seat’s already saved. I’m welcomed, loved, adored for the person I am, not the shiny version of myself I try to put out there with people.
No need to be accepted by the world when we’re accepted by the God of the universe.
Right?
As much as I want people to love me, I don’t want other humans to fill up the gaps in my soul. I want to know and believe I’m accepted by the one who loves my soul and let that be my entryway into relationship with people. I still struggle with my yearning to belong, but I’m working on remembering to whom I already belong first.
Because acceptance when it’s from the world isn’t anything when it comes to the acceptance we already have in Him.
Yet I can’t sleep. The dark circles under my eyes probably tell you that.
There are some days/nights where my anxiety overtakes me down to the bones.
There are others where depression calls the shots.
Then there are the fun days where both fight for control of my brain.
A lot of days lately have been the third option: the overwhelming numbness and apathy paired with the exhausting parade of anxious thoughts, fears, and worries dancing together in my head, fighting for who gets to lead.
It’s utterly exhausting.
Today has been a more particularly bad anxiety day.
Anxious about things that I can’t fix. (I’m the helper. I’m supposed to fix the things).
Anxious about things out of my control.
Anxious about things that are not my responsibility to be anxious about, yet I feel guilty if I’m not worried about them.
Anxious about important things I haven’t figured out, like finding a full-time job or why my back hasn’t stopped hurting since August. Frustrated being stuck at home day in and day out, feeling like nothing is getting accomplished.
I feel shaky and my stomach hurts and I can’t stop the obtrusive thoughts and what ifs. I replay every thought, every word said, and every interaction in my brain, worried I said the wrong thing or didn’t do enough or did too much.
I’m struggling to keep my head above water.
I want to pray, but words don’t come out. And when they do, they’re normally angry.
I want to worship, but I can’t get my mouth to form the words. Don’t have the energy or the belief right now.
Between my migraines, lack of sleep, and my back, I can’t sit up straight long enough to Bible study right now.
The only bit of Jesus I tend to get right now is through my devotionals, which I usually read right before bed so they’ll stick to my brain as I try to sleep.
I was reading in my Savor devotional last night, and the scripture caught my attention.
Psalm 55. A psalm I didn’t recognize. Shauna quoted verses 6-8:
“I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert;[c] I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.” (NIV)
I decided to read the rest of the Psalm, and felt that all-too-familiar feeling of my heart caught in my throat:
Listen to my prayer, O God. Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and answer me, for I am overwhelmed by my troubles.
My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me and angrily hunt me down.
My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me. Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking. (v 1-5 NLT)
—
1-3 Open your ears, God, to my prayer; don’t pretend you don’t hear me knocking. Come close and whisper your answer. I really need you. I shudder at the mean voice, quail before the evil eye, As they pile on the guilt, stockpile angry slander.
4-8 My insides are turned inside out; specters of death have me down. I shake with fear, I shudder from head to foot. “Who will give me wings,” I ask— “wings like a dove?” Get me out of here on dove wings; I want some peace and quiet. I want a walk in the country, I want a cabin in the woods. I’m desperate for a change from rage and stormy weather. (Message version)
Yup. I’ve been there. A lot.
The enemy shouting at me (though in my head). Causing trouble where there shouldn’t be any.
The heart pounding in my chest. The terror. The fear and trembling and shaking.
A day in the life of an anxiety sufferer. Of a panic attack sufferer.
While I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack in a while (praise be to God), I often still feel the pounding heart, the shaky hands, the sense of terror of dread that accompanies panic. It’s unsettling, to say the least.
I long desperately for my brain to rest. To find somewhere to escape this mess and actually rest.
I don’t want to worry or panic about things out of my control. Or things I don’t have to freak out about, things I’m not responsible for. And yet here I sit, anxious about tomorrow and whatever will be. It’s the worst feeling.
I want God to hear me, to take this burden and all this stress from me, but I can’t make out the right words.
The rest of the Psalm reassures me that he hears even my wordless whispers of frustration, even when I feel like he doesn’t:
I call to God; God will help me. At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh deep sighs—he hears, he rescues. My life is well and whole, secure in the middle of danger Even while thousands are lined up against me. (Message)
I want to believe this. I want to believe he hears, he listens, he cares. But lately, it doesn’t feel like it. Life has proven otherwise.
Maybe that’s the depression talking, who knows. I want to believe He’s seeing these words and listening as I type them. Lord, help my unbelief.
I want so desperately to believe Him. To find rest. To find peace and quiet and to ignore the damn voices that are shouting fear and chaos and unrest.
But they’re loud, God. They’re so freaking loud. And I still can’t sleep.
It’s in these times that I’m grateful that King David wrote these psalms because it reminds me that even a man after God’s heart fell into these valleys and periods of darkness. And he made it through. Maybe I can too.
Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders— he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin.
Someday, I hope I’ll be better at ignoring the shouts and screams. I want to find peace, rest on the wings of a dove, away from the enemy and the panic. I want to trust that God sees me and will give me help, give me this rest I so need. I want to find rest and peace in Him, but I can’t find Him anywhere it seems.
I’m back. Barely. The first few weeks of September have been… hazy. My mental health hasn’t been kind (Not that it’s ever kind), but it’s been even worse than normal thanks to a host of things, but namely a migraine med switch that lists depression as a dang side effect. That’s one way to send a depressed person spiraling down: give them a med that makes them more depressed! Sigh. I have been weaned off the med (PTL) and will deal with the migraines for now. Because i’d rather a migraine cause my head to hurt than depression cause me more hurt.
ANYWHO. This week’s word:
This one took me a couple minutes before I finally said screw it, hit the timer and just word vomited. You’re welcome!
support. What does it look like to support someone?
Show up. That’s it, y’all. Show up.
Scott Sauls hits the nail on the head.
Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers.
Don’t feel like you have to fix everything.
Don’t act like nothing is wrong or everything is perfect if it’s not.
Sit. Listen. Talk. Pray. Hug. Cry if you need. Laugh if you want.
Support isn’t hard. Being a part of support groups like ACA (adult child anonymous/adult child of alcoholics) was one of my favorite communities– because it was real. And we supported each other. Not by fixing or trying to make it better. But by just being there.
I love that one of the definitions of support is to “hold up.” Because that’s what we need: we need to hold each other up, because sometimes, when we’re down for the count, we can’t hold ourselves up anymore.
In this season of crazy depression and stress and in-between, I’ve felt like my in-person support has been null and void. Not because of them at all- they’ve always been there. But because of me, and the fact that depression makes me distance myself and makes it hard to open up and talk about anything. It lies and says I’m a burden so I just shut myself off and fend for myself.
But when things got hazy the past couple weeks (aka when things got epically worse thanks to the migraine med with increased depression as a SIDE EFFECT), my support system showed up. They texted. They commented. They prayed. They shared. They listened.
When I finally got the courage to ignore the depression that said I was a burden and ask a friend to go to dinner with me (the first time I’d left the house for something fun with friends since my birthday– 2 months ago!) she (and another friend) immediately said yes. And it was good. And so needed for my tired, sad, and lonely soul.
My people, the ones that have felt distant lately because depression forces me to keep them at an arm’s reach. They held me up. And I’m so grateful.
I discovered this song (and this whole awesome album) this week and OMG WHERE HAS IT BEEN THIS WHOLE SEASON.
. It’s unsettling, to say the least.
Writeable moments 