Show me your beauty. (I can ask that!?)

Hi friends. Happy finals week from your stressed out college kids!

This is probably gonna be the last time you hear from me on here (unless something life-changing happens) til I’m back at home sweet home snuggling with my pups and watching Big Bang Theory with my Mama. So close, but so far away. =)
One final down, four to go! One every day next week, ending with Physics at 8am. Oh  Lord help me. 

This is going to be a ramble of my thoughts, just a warning. Don’t really know where I’m going with it, but I’ll try to go somewhere. 

I’ve finally gotten around to getting more into Captivating. After my last post, I just felt the need to make the time to dig deeper into this. But it’s hard. Really.  Not as much making the time, but more just being willing to think about this part of my life I try to block out (if only I could block out mirrors from my life). Everytime I feel the need to talk about it, journal it, etc… I just put it in the back of my mind.

Which is why I love this book. Half the time I think they’re writing right to me (and some of the stories/testimonies echo my life so closely it scares me). It really hits home. 

This chapter I’m reading right now is about healing the wound… ways to heal and let God fix whatever has made me feel this way about myself. Trying to heal the wounds left in my heart by others and by myself.

They had some practical ideas that I really should do. Some I’d never thought about, things that make sense but don’t at the same time. 

Like asking Jesus about it.  

It’s just one of those things that I’m like, “what does that even mean?” Seems so easy to ask, but it just doesn’t feel that simple.

I know the scripture ask and it will be given and so on… but ask a question about this? Really? Is that something worth asking? Is this something that God even cares about hearing?

Well, to someone struggling with feeling beautiful- with feeling worthy- I think yes, it’s something I need to ask about. Just as I struggle with stress and busyness, I ask God for strength; when I battle with sad thoughts/ am upset, I ask for peace; when I don’t understand, I ask for wisdom.

So when I struggle with my beauty/self-esteem- I guess I can ask. But ask for what? That is the question. 

Now that I think about it though… it kinda scares me to ask such a thing. I mean, how on earth am I gonna get an answer to that? It’s not something tangible, it’s not something He can answer really with a solution that I can actually see. What on earth is the answer going to be when I ask the Lord about my beauty? I really don’t know. But I don’t know a lot of things before I ask them… so I guess it’s worth a shot, right? 

This part of the chapter made me think a little:

“This is what I want you to do. I want you to ask Jesus to show you your beauty.”

“I can do that?” she said. “I mean, that’s okay? He would do that for me?”

Show you your beauty.  Not gonna lie, I kinda think that’s an odd sentence… let alone request. Show you your beauty. 

Reveal what this beauty thing is to me- so that maybe, just maybe, I’ll start to “get it.” I’ll start to see my beauty the way God sees my beauty. I can do that? How do I do that? Seems like a different and difficult thing to ask, honestly. For someone who’s struggled with feeling beautiful, to ask to be shown her beauty-I’m kinda curious as to what the answer would be. 

 He would do that for me?  He can do such a thing… he can show me the beauty I have that I cannot seem to see. How? Why would he? For me? For someone who still doesn’t quite understand how a girl like her can be deemed worthy of “beautiful”. With everything else going on… he would do that?

I think that’s a tall order. Not for God, really… but for me. For me to be open and honest about how I feel about myself, to give those feelings up to God. For me to open my heart and let Him in a little (lot) more on this subject. It’s hard to talk about, to write about… let alone pray about.

He can show me my beauty.  I still really don’t know what all that means… or what that entails. Or how I can really ask such a question. Or why it matters. 

I guess that’s why I just need to stop trying to fix it for myself, and just ask. 

you’re more beautiful than you think. {a beautiful 2013 post}

So. I’ve been working on this resolution thing, right? This whole working on what the word beautiful is to me, and why I struggle with it so much.

Some days I don’t really know what to right about on here about this, because it’s just so dang personal.

Then there are days where God just puts something in your lap and says, “is this what you’re looking for?!”

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/XpaOjMXyJGk&source=uds

So, this Dove video has been circulating around. I’m usually not one to take to the norm and watch things that are constantly viewed/shared on facebook, but this one was worth my time. It’s worth yours, too, so stop what you’re doing and watch it (even if you already have, it’s worth seeing again).

If I had to do what they did, I’d do the same thing- I’d point out every single line, roll, and freckle before I’d highlight anything good about myself. It’s just how I think about myself, it’s how I’ve always thought of myself-in a negative light.

I’ve mentioned before how other people have hurt me enough to make me hate my body. I’ve mentioned how I’ve never had a good self-esteem, how I’ve never seen myself as beautiful. God’s been changing that, for sure, as of late. But it’s still a struggle, no doubt. As I mentioned in my last post those voices still plague me.

You’re not good enough.
You’re not worthy.
You’ll be beautiful if {fill in the blank}.
If only you were thin like {insert person here}.

You get the picture.

We are our own worst critics. As seen in the video, we see ourselves in the worst light. Only 4% of women around the WORLD believe they’re beautiful.

4%.


I’ve never felt beautiful when I’m looking in the mirror or when I see myself in pictures. It’s a struggle to feel like I’m worthy of that ‘title’, beautiful.  I know I am and we all are because of who we are and how we were made. But it’s still a struggle to see it in my life.

We can’t let ourselves think like that anymore, ladies. And I’m saying this for me as much as I am for anyone else!

Look at the video and how drastically different the sketches of women are- when they describe themselves, and when others describe them. Isn’t it just wild how others see what we can’t? People see beauty much easier when it’s not them they’re talking about. How and why did we get this way?! How can someone point out every single flaw in them, yet someone else who doesn’t know them be able to describe them in such a different way?

We’ve been having a woman’s chapel these past two Mondays called Unspoken. It’s been really great. The topic is about shame,  something we don’t necessarily discuss often. Last night Caroline said the most common thing we said we were shameful about was body image. That we aren’t good enough, we aren’t beautiful enough, we aren’t worthy. It’s all those voices in our lives whispering we deserve to feel this way about ourselves.

Shame is what makes me hate myself some days. Not all days (anymore), but some. Shame is what makes us see ourselves radically different than what others and what God sees us as.  Shame is the memories and the voices in my life teaching me this lie about not being beautiful, and that all that matters is how I look in the mirror.

 There is so much more than that mirror. There is so much more than shame. There is so much more than those voices inside your head saying you’re not beautiful.

You’re more beautiful than you think.

known, wanted, accepted, loved.

hey y’all. New layout. Not sure if I’m sold on it yet, but I wanted something more spring/summer-y.

So this has been a busy week (but what’s new?!)

Sophomore year is wrapping up. SO weird.

The fact that I’m almost halfway done with college is just insane. Wow. Exhilarating and absolutely horrifying.

This week was honestly an emotional roller coaster… between registration (oi), to my procrastination forcing me to stay up til 1 twice this week, I’ve been a bit of an exhausted wreck. It’s over now, with only ONE full week left of school before finals start. Holy. Where did this year go!??!?

We also had our 1st Cozumel reunion this week, which was a bit of an emotional experience in itself.

Lots of laughter. Lots of time reflecting and thinking about our trip, what it taught us, what we miss the most,  and what’s next for us here.  No tears, surprisingly (though Abby did cry from laughing at Nathan’s account of the Spanish church reunion). 

It was great to be back with the team. Though we see each other in passing, it was nice to have intentional time together as a group. It was good to hear others’ reflections and favorite parts of the trip. 

Robert, one of our adult leaders, made a point that stuck with me.  He said something along the lines of one of the reasons we all loved this trip was how we feel known, wanted, accepted, and loved while we’re there (hence the title of this post).

Known, wanted, accepted, loved. 

Aren’t they things we all want? At least they are for me. 

To be known– for others to know our names, know who we are.

To be wanted– for people to actually invest in us, for people to be interested in us, for people to actually acknowledge us, to feel important and worthy

To be accepted– to be welcomed with open arms, to be supported and embraced

To be loved:  to feel cherished and cared for, to feel love and doted on.

Those things to me are things as someone that’s dealt with her insecurity for many years that I worry about getting. From friends, family, colleagues, etc. It has to do with that whole self-esteem/ self-doubt struggle I’ve dealt with for many years.

Am I good enough? Am I worthy? What do people think of me? Do people actually like me? Do they want to have me around? Those are the evil and unjust thoughts that plague me a lot of the time.

The Great Preacher of peace and love came for you, and His voice found those of you who were near and those who were far away.  By Him both have access to the Father in one Spirit. And so you are no longer called outcasts and wanderers but citizens with God’s people, members of God’s holy family, and residents of His household. Ephesians 2:16-19

Sometimes it’s hard realizing that God came for me. He found me and loved me perfectly, something I can’t even do for myself. 

 We don’t have to feel those things above anymore. We are accepted into a family that doesn’t compare to the life we have here.  So why even think that I’m not?

But yet I still struggle with those feelings of insecurity. It’s a battle of me versus myself; me yearning to be who God called me to be, but still struggling with the “am I good enough” thoughts that plague so many of us.  

 Seeing myself as all of those things-known, wanted, accepted, and loved- is hard. Trying to believe that I am worthy of that, both on earth and to my Father is a daily battle for me.

Yet in the eyes of a child, it all makes sense. 

When Conny ran up to me and put her arms around my neck, she didn’t know my name. She didn’t know my story (still doesn’t). She just knew I was there, so she just loved me. No if ands or buts about it. There wasn’t something I had to do to earn her love, she just gave freely. She made me feel wanted from the minute she stepped into my life. She made me feel like I was useful (something that I definitely did not feel, with the language barrier), like I was someone worth something. Looking at pictures of us reminds me of that feeling, that I was there and she loved me-and didn’t hold back. 

 

When Marce first came up to me, she didn’t know anything about me. Heck, she couldn’t even hear me and didn’t understand anything I said. Yet she knew I wanted to meet her, and wanted to play. So we did. And it made me feel more loved and noticed than any other kid has made me feel. Every day she found me. She didn’t know my name, but she knew who I was the one who came up to her on the first night to play. She knew who I was– and knew I wanted to spend time with her. 

How thankful I am for Jesus showing up in these two little girls, to remind me how accepted, wanted, and loved I am. He used these girls to teach me that those feelings I hear in the back of my head are wrong. I am worth something to two little girls in Mexico and I’m worth those same feelings in my life everyday, despite the lies I fight with everyday. 

For my news year Resolution, I’ve been working on my self-esteem and my one word: beautiful. Loving myself has been one of my hardest tasks in life, seeing myself as worthy or beautiful.

 Seeing myself as any of the things the kids at Ciudad saw me as from day one.

 It’s crazy thinking that after knowing me for a total of one day, how those kids just loved us. 

Loved me.

 I don’t understand it, but am thankful for it-for the reminder that I am known, and wanted, and accepted, and loved. Even when I don’t see it myself, and don’t understand it. It’s just a given. 

So, Robert was right: those kids make me feel known, wanted, accepted, and loved. They also remind me how much God feels the same way about us- He knows us better than we know ourselves, He wants us and yearns for us, He accepts us as we are, and loves us enough to send His son to the cross for us. Crazy.

In the wake of Brennan Manning’s passing, I saw this quote of his posted on facebook:

“God loves you as you are, not as you should be.”

 I think the same goes for kids, especially (for me) the kids at Ciudad: they love us for who we are, just for being there. For being willing. For being present, for loving on them. Not because of what we’ve done, what we’ve said, or who we have been. But because of who we are, and whose we are, we are known, wanted, accepted, and loved. By God and by those little children who love and know God better than this 20 year old college kid. (And we wonder why God says to have a child-like faith?! It makes so much sense).

May you remember than you are known, wanted, accepted, and loved, by a Father who created and loved you from the minute you were thought of. And if you don’t, may God put someone-or maybe some sweet kids-in your path that remind you just how much those things are true. 🙂