What I Learned In February

Jumping on board with Emily again for her “what I learned” series.

I forgot that February was short, because February felt SO FREAKING LONG. It wasn’t my best month, so I’m glad it’s over; if I’d had to deal with another week of February I dunno what I would have done.  0.o One week I was sick,the next I was extremely busy (while sick), then this week was just one of those where everything that could go wrong did. So fun. Yay that it’s over!

1. I always get sick at the most inopportune times. 

Always. Pneumonia 4 days before my service club’s biggest event of the year? So fun. I spent Valentines weekend in bed, with very little human interaction. It was part glorious and part miserable. Two weeks later, I’m still coughing.

2. Never underestimate the power of bake sales. 

We raised a fairly decent amount of money with a bake sale and t-shirt sale. I was floored. People like baked things apparently.

3. Sitting in the student center at said bake sale everyday for 2 hours drove my introverted self in a tizzy (especially while still sick!), but it was perfect for people watching. 

Especially since it was 60 degrees almost all week, and EVERYONE was outside. IT WAS PERFECT, Y’ALL.  The introvert in me loved all the people watching. Crazy things happen when you sit in the student center for hours on end. (In a related story, I never want to sit in the student center that long ever again).

 I did sneak out some to sit in the sunshine, and man, it was wonderful. And now it’s back to freezing and snow warnings and someone please make it stop. Please!

4. Baking is a really cathartic stress reliever. 

I already knew this, but I baked a lot this month, and this couldn’t have been more true. Baking gives a sense of control to me when everything else goes haywire. And the rewards are glorious (though my rewards went to the bake sale and not to me, haha). My baker of a mama has apparently trained me well, my tagalong brownies were a hit. Mmm so good.

5. Poetry involves a lot of math.

Between figuring out the syllables to figuring out the meter, it made my head hurt. Any type of writing that requires math is NOT for me, I know that much.

6. My English professors would make very good theatre people. 

Seriously. So much theatrics! Especially Dr. Reed and Dr. Garrett, they are so dramatic in class. I love it. Dr. Reed particularly, she is downright adorable.

7. Sky High probably gave me my best workout ever.
Wall to wall trampolines, including a trampoline dodgeball court? That was a blast. I wanna go back!
  In other news, my pneumonia-sickly lungs still haven’t forgiven me.

8. I am in dire need of quiet and rest. 

Sleep doesn’t come til 1-2am most nights, and then I toss and turn so restful sleep rarely happens. Blah. I’ve  been going, going, going, ALL month long, and it wore me out bad, both physically and spiritually (the latter primarily).

 I’ve been good about quiet time this school year, but I’ve been slipping this semester. It’s a struggle to make time, especially for someone like me that needs to do everything but be still and rest. Such a struggle.
 I need to take better care of myself, both spiritually and physically (cause obviously me getting so sick again is NOT an option. DO YOU HEAR ME IMMUNE SYSTEM?!?)

9. I love the Lenten/Easter season. (and NOT just for the Jellybeans.)

Okay the jellybeans might be part of it. Especially the starburst ones, though they are my favorite candy ever (don’t judge).

But really, the Lenten season IS my favorite season of the year, spiritually speaking. It’s so important and reverent and lovely. I love Easter and springtime coinciding, showing us literal rebirth of nature as we prepare and celebrate the resurrection. How poignant and fitting, right?
I’m still working on what I’m giving up and adding on for Lent, but I can guarantee you it’ll have to do with #8 above. 🙂

10. Adding a new dog to the family after losing our boy is incredibly bittersweet. 

Losing Sebastian so suddenly and unexpectedly sucked. It’s been so freaking hard; even three months later it takes everything in me not to cry when I think about it or look through pictures. Mom and I both knew we needed to add a new member to the family, to help ease the heartache of losing our bay Bastian. We knew it wouldn’t replace or fill the hole he left, but we needed a source of some happiness back that we lost when he left.
So, when one of Mom’s customers told her about a pug that needed a new home, Mom went for it:

This is Lola. I swear her face resembles Grumpy Cat’s, but I digress. She’s pretty darn cute. She’s 2 1/2, so she’s still in the puppy stage a bit. I haven’t met her yet, but I’m hoping I can go home before Spring break to get some pug snuggles.  Mom calls her a hyper little diva. I love it.

Part of me is comforted and happy, part of me looks at her and wants to cry because I want my boy back so bad. I’m beyond happy my Mom has a new pug to love and snuggle with, I can already see a huge difference Lola has made in her. She’s been ten times the wreck I’ve been since Sebastian died; while she won’t bring him back, she does bring a bit of him back home, and for that, I’m happy.

As much as I love and miss my boy, I absolutely love our new little girl.

11. March is destined to be a great month. 

I’m calling it now!! Hear me, God? It’s gonna be awesome.

2 weeks from tomorrow, I’ll be back with these beautiful babies:

                             

 And man, I  cannot wait. 

So here’s to leaving February behind… and embracing March for the beauty that it’s bound to bring. 

fully known. fully loved. [fully needed]

Normally, this semester, my Wednesday nights are alternated between two activities: Wednesday Night Devo (for Campus Ministry), and Cozumel meetings. This Wednesday was supposed to be a Cozumel week, but our “fun” meeting got postponed to next week, so I got to go to devo instead.

God plans things for a reason, I think.

Isaac, the guy that spoke, talked about John 17: where Jesus is praying for us, for unity, to be united in encountering Jesus, and the like. It was great.

But I’m not gonna lie: it’s been a long week. A very exhaustingly long week.  I wasn’t 100% tuned in in the beginning. And I probably didn’t get the point he was truly trying to make, but God put me there tonight to here something, at least.

Then he spoke a little about being fully loved and fully known and what that feels like, and how once we encounter Jesus we can be fully loved and fully known. That grabbed my attention.

He said two things that really caught my attention:

He talked about how we are afraid if people really know us, they’ll stop loving us- that’s why we only let people see a side of us before we let them truly know us. We have to test the waters, to make sure people are worth letting in.
You can love me all you want, but if you want to get to know the whole me, I’m afraid you won’t love me anymore, and vice versa (if you love me, you probably don’t know me well enough not to love me)- this is the idea.

And he’s absolutely right, at least for me.  I struggle with letting people fully into my world, for the fear that they’ll walk out if they see me at face-value. If people knew the real- the whole- me, would I still be loved? Can I be loved by the people that know me fully and wholly? I want people to only see the lovable parts of me.  I don’t want people to see the bad or the ugly… just the good, then I’ll be loved.

But that’s not the only side of me to be loved.

I probably need to be loved more because of the bad and the ugly; I need to be loved through and with the bad traits, bad habits, tough moments, and not just through the good things about me. But I can’t let people fully love me- the good, the bad, and the ugly- without letting them fully know me- every part of me. I just can’t win at this, can I? I don’t want to be just known, either- being known but not feeling loved just plain sucks.  I want,  I need to be loved and known, because one really doesn’t sit well without the other.

But it’s hard. It’s hard when you struggle with vulnerability like myself to let people fully know me, and love me, because I’m afraid people will write me off once I let them too far in. I’m afraid I’ll be left broken hearted if I open my heart too wide. How can someone really love me in spite of the things I do, the things I’ve been through? Why would someone take one look at me and still decide I’m worth loving?
 These are the thoughts that plague me, day in and day out. It’s taken me forever to realize that the people that say they love you and mean it want to know you. They want to know my life, my struggles, and love me through them. They want to love the pieces of my heart that aren’t quite put back together. But they can’t love me if I don’t let the walls down, if I don’t let them try to get to know me. The people that truly love you will stick around, and be a listening ear, and will be your support when you screw up and fall. They love you in spite of yourself, and those are the people to spend your time loving and knowing.

I love this Timothy Keller quote (yes it’s from a book about marriage, but it fits!):

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

It’s the same with God, too, I think. I want to show God how good I am, the good things I’m doing… but not the sad, the  brokenness, the struggles, and the heartaches. I want to keep all that under control myself and offer him the good girl part of myself.

But He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want just that- He wants everything.  Relationship calls us to a two-way street- where we encounter God in every aspect of who we are, not just the times we need Him or in the happy times. He already knows who we are- yet in spite of the bad and ugly parts of our souls that we try to hide, he still chooses to love us.

I keep this quote where it’s visible everyday:  

The very thing we are afraid of, our brokenness, is the door to our Father’s heart. -Paul E. Miller

What I’m afraid to share with God- and everyone else- is what He wants. He wants a full-on relationship, not just a glimmer of one.

Once we let God fully into our lives, once we fully encounter Jesus for who He is- then, we can start being fully known, and fully loved. Isaac said tonight, “Jesus may be the most beautiful person we encounter.” I think He’s absolutely right; when I can let my walls down and let Him fully into my life, there’s nothing- or no one- more beautiful. His grace and glory radiate when He is allowed to work in and through us.

He closed the devo by talking about the Mary and Martha story, which is one of my favorites.  Martha only had it partly right- doing things and serving is only part of the relationship. Sitting at the feet of Jesus like Mary, letting Him fully know and fully love you, is what is truly important if we’re aiming for an intimate relationship with Him.

Once we let Him fully love and know us for who we truly are- then we can unite together and love each other. Just like Jesus wanted.

{Psalm 139:1-16,23, The Voice translation with highlighting by me}:
1 O Eternal One, You have explored my heart and know exactly who I am;
2You even know the small details like when I take a seat and when I stand up again.
Even when I am far away, You know what I’m thinking.
3You observe my wanderings and my sleeping, my waking and my dreaming,
and You know everything I do in more detail than even I know.
4You know what I’m going to say long before I say it.
It is true, Eternal One, that You know everything and everyone.
5You have surrounded me on every side, behind me and before me,
and You have placed Your hand gently on my shoulder.
6 It is the most amazing feeling to know how deeply You know me, inside and out;
the realization of it is so great that I cannot comprehend it.
7 Can I go anywhere apart from Your Spirit?
Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?
8 If I go up into heaven, You are there.
If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.
9 If I ride on the wings of morning,
if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,
10 Even then You will be there to guide me;
Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.
11 Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,
the light around me will soon be turned to night,”
12 You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.
For You the night is just as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes.
13 For You shaped me, inside and out.
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath.
14 I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
I carry this knowledge deep within my soul.
15 You see all things; nothing about me was hidden from You
As I took shape in secret,
carefully crafted in the heart of the earth before I was born from its womb.
16 You see all things;
You saw me growing, changing in my mother’s womb;
Every detail of my life was already written in Your book;
You established the length of my life before I ever tasted the sweetness of it.          

23 Explore me, O God, and know the real me. Dig deeply and discover who I am.

10 Things I Learned in January

So, one of my favorite bloggers has been doing this “ten things I learned” list at the end of the month for awhile. I’ve been meaning to join in as a way to look back and remember stuff that has happened over the course of the month, but alas, I kept pushing it off. I decided since it’s a new year and all I decided to give it a shot. Will it actually stick? We’ll see. This was kinda fun actually.

1. Always, always listen to Mom (especially when it comes to snow days). 
Seriously. The weekend the dorms opened back up was the weekend of what was toted as Snowmaggedon here in Nashville (though all us natives know that snow will hit anywhere but here). Snow or no snow, we knew that ice and super cold temps were on the horizon, so I decided it’d be best to head back to school Saturday instead of Sunday, especially since I knew school wasn’t going to close for the weather. Mom said apparently it didn’t look like it was gonna be as bad so she suggested I wait, but we went on and took me back Saturday night. Two hours later, a campus-wide email from Lipscomb’s president announces that classes are gonna be cancelled for the next two days, due to the low temps and so that out-of-towners didn’t have to travel in the bad weather. Oh, irony, how I loathe thee. I could’ve spent two more days in my bed! With home cooked food! And the irony is that Lipscomb NEVER closes. Sigh. But it was nice to have a couple days of quiet on campus. 🙂

and also: Nashville, seriously get your act together. You can’t be in the single digits (with WIND) all week then all of a sudden turn 60 flipping degrees on us. I am perpetually sick thanks to the bi-polar weather. JUST PICK A SEASON ALREADY! And please let that season be warm. We’ve had enough cold!!

2. Taking 4 literature classes in one semester will be the death of me. 

SO. MUCH. READING, Y’ALL. Some of it is fun, but Jesus… what did I get myself into? And so much writing, but I can live with that.

3. Literature for Young Adults is the universe’s way of telling me that I am (finally) in the right major.

I love all my Lit classes (despite the amount of reading), however this one is my favorite. I think this is the world’s way of telling me I’ve found my niche. So much fun, so many good books and topics, and plus- it’s an all female, English major only class, so laughing and talking about books is pretty much required.

4. Lesson #2 really impedes the whole “reading for fun” thing. 

I started reading Allegiant in October and I seriously finished it today (and proceeded to cry through the last 70 pages). I decided to start re-reading it at the beginning of January since I stopped reading it once I lost my nook charger (woo technology) so technically it took me about a month, but STILL. When you have short stories and epic poems (darn you, Iliad) to read, reading for fun at the end of the day loses when the other option is sleep.

5. Live-tweeting should be a career. 

Specifically, live-tweeting awards shows. I’d make a fortune.

6. Quiet time is essential. If you can have quiet time on a lake somewhere, it’s even sweeter. 

Quiet hour on Cozumel retreat is always one of my favorite moments. Cozumel retreat in itself is one of my favorite moments, but I always get so much from sitting in the quiet. Especially when I’m sitting in front of this:

Sub-Lesson- Things I also learned on retreat include: Boys do not appreciate the hilarity that is Pitch Perfect; Name That Angel is the most competitive game ever; and Mafia is ten times funnier when played at 3 in the morning. I love retreat.

7. McKay’s is seriously one of the best and worst things that’s happened to my life.
Best because it is literally book heaven:

Seriously. I got SO! MANY! BOOKS! For like 20 bucks. How had I never been to this place before?
Worst: simply because I could spend my every dime in there. My wallet sighs. But I neeeeed them, you guys.

8. Sharing your life with the people you love most isn’t as easy as you’d think.
Especially in person, with my voice.  I can write all day long about myself and my life… in my journal, where no one sees it. Giving a devo about my life, my story? In front of people?  Especially the people I love and work with daily. Not easy at all- terrifying, in fact. One of the scariest things I think I’ve done. But oh, so rewarding. It was worth the scary parts to feel a little more free and open about myself.

9.  I have officially become a night owl. 

I used to be an early bird, y’all. I would sleep as soon as the clock hit 10. I would never hit my snooze button or sleep late on the weekends. Then this last semester happened (stupid 8AM class!). Sebastian dying at 4 in the morning happened. Now I can’t sleep. Usually I don’t even think about sleep til 1 or 2… and even if I do think about it, I lay down and stare at the ceiling usually til 2am. I don’t like this. I LIKE MY SLEEP GUYS. Moreso, I like waking up at like 10 and feeling like I have a whole day ahead of me, instead of sleeping til noon (or past 1pm like I did at my Dad’s… oops). I need to remedy this.

10. This is seriously one of the best things that happened to me this month:

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/9ItBvH5J6ss&source=uds

SO MANY COMPLICATED FEELINGS. JUNE CAN’T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH!!

Do yourself a favor and go read this book (The Fault in Our Stars by John Green). And watch the movie trailer. It’ll make you laugh and want to curl up in a corner and sob all at once. It’s that good. 

January favorites/ discoveries:
Books: Allegiant (duh), The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale (SOOO GOOD Y’ALL).
Music: Kacey Musgraves (Follow Your Arrow has been on repeat since the Grammy’s); Lorde (love her); Dave Barnes’ new album (specifically Little Civil War)
Movies: Pitch Perfect (see lesson 6); Mean Girls (this movie never gets old); Frozen- which I haven’t seen yet (I know I’m horrible) but I’m determined to see it before it leaves theaters. I’ve heard the music and know the premise, but I’d still like to see the actual movie!
Quote:
 “Anybody who has survived childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of the days.” Flannery O’Connor (from my Lit Studies book) (so much truth)
and “The very thing we are afraid of, our brokenness, is the door to our Father’s heart.” -Paul E. Miller (this one is so true for me, especially after lesson #8).

Well, February is here, and it is one of my busiest months. (And I thought January was bad!) but if it goes as well as my 1st day in February, where I saw this at the end of the unusually warm day:

Then February is going to be just lovely. 🙂