my one word {2016 edition}

When my puppy, Russ, was old enough (around 5 months old), we gave him free reign of the house.

Before that, he had been closed off from all the rooms but mine and my mom’s, usually barricaded in somehow so Lola could get out but he couldn’t. (think baby gate. yes we were that crazy).This was primarily for safety– he was so tiny, we were afraid we wouldn’t find him (true story, dude has a dark coat of fur), he’d get hurt or get into something that could hurt him. It was easier to keep an eye on the feisty little dude when he was contained to one room. But he hated it.

But as he got bigger, he kept trying to figure out how to escape his confinement. He’d push the barricade, knock it over, and eventually he got big enough to jump over it. He was done with being trapped. He wanted to explore. He was big enough that we could train him not to go certain places, and he was old enough to start discovering things for himself, so we let him roam the house. Room by room, he romps around, sniffing where lola has gone, usually chasing her to her annoyance, bouncing around happily when he sees me or mom come through the door. But mostly, now that he can wander room by room, he’s content when he finds a place to be, knowing he can go wherever and move if he feels up to it.

We become different when we’re given our freedom.

Now that he’s found freedom, he’s a lot happier than he was when he had to be constrained to a part of the house. He behaves better, running around the house filled with energy, and loves running between the rooms to visit me and mom.

We change when we know we’re free.

And I… I long to be free.

Free from who I was.

Free from what I thought (or think).

Free from the labels put on me (by myself and others).

Free from worry (ha, maybe someday).

Free from the story I used to live, and the story I thought I was supposed to be living.

Free (verb): release from captivity, confinement, or slavery.

Free (adj): not physically restrained, obstructed, or fixed; unimpeded.

We were made to be free. We hate being held hostage  by whatever has chained us. I have a lot of things that I’ve made little prisons out of over the course of my life. My past, definitions of myself, labels, dreams and plans… all these little prisons have trapped me in a shallow pit of misery, shame, fear, and exhaustion.

I want to be free of it all. Free of my past, my plans, my shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. Free from what I thought I was going to be and what I am; free of what others want me to be.

But here’s the thing:  according to Christ, I already am free. We’re already free, because Jesus set us free.

But do we live it? Do we live like we’re truly as free as we are?

I know I don’t. I live like I’m stuck. Trapped in who I was, who I wanted to be. Can’t quite figure out who I am and who I want to be now and not yesterday. Trapped is not a fun place to live, y’all. I can’t go back… and I can’t go forward.

I’m done with that hell. I’m just done living like I can’t move forward.

I want to live life knowing Who has me, and believe that he really does. I want to live free of the chains that have once kept me enslaved to my past, my failures, my labels. I want to be free to be the person I am to God, and nothing else.

In 2016, I want to-long to– be and live like I’m free.

 

…

last May, my friend April sent me a link to this sermon by the wonderful and lovely Shauna Niequist. (if you have a spare 30 minutes to hear a good word by a  fantastic speaker, do it!) April told me she was only a few minutes into the sermon, but she thought I needed to hear it. And she was right– I did. (this is where I say how thankful I am for the people not only know me well but know when to nudge me along and speak truth to me. those are the best kind of people).

Shauna was talking about the narratives we live– the stories we carry from past experiences, failures, childhood, etc. And how those narratives compete with the story God has already written for us and is still writing for us. We get caught up in the people we were that we forget about who we are now, and who He has made us to be. She talks about dropping those narratives and picking up the truths God has spoken over us and the story He’s writing for us.

Her words were powerful to me then,  but even moreso to me now, nearly 8 months later. It’s kinda crazy how much has changed since I first watched this. The stories and narratives  I had then are still here… and some new ones I need to drop have since been added. (no, teaching is not the only job I can do. or want  to do. It’s taken me awhile to say that). So I rewatched this last night. Because there was a question she asked that I spoke about with my friend, and the answer ended up being how I figured out my word for 2016. And when I heard it again last night, i had the same answer I did last summer.

In the sermon, Shauna asks,

What’s the one word that if I believe it about myself, about God, and about the world  that would change everything?

If there was one word I believed that would change everything–how I view myself, God, and the world. If I took my old stories and narratives to the light and said, “no, I am THIS.” What would it be? 

A lot of words came to mind that I’ve struggled with. Loved. Daughter. New. Enough.

But none stuck out to me quite like free did. 

And like in years past with my one word resolutions, free kept weaving itself into my daily life.

Like the time I was looking up scriptures about freedom and Ellie Holcomb’s “I Want to Be Free” started playing when I put my phone on shuffle. Not even kidding.

Or when i got a book in the mail about finding freedom in Christ. I mean, c’mon now.

Or when I discovered a song by Switchfoot I’d yet to hear… about liberty and freedom.

I know God doesn’t speak to all of us through burning bushes or grandiose motions, but dangit it felt like He was waving a big sign in front of me. This is it! This is your work for the next chapter. (And I didn’t even know about student teaching at this time, so. Seriously, God has a sense of humor).

At the time, I knew I wanted to be free of the little kid my mom treated me like (still does somedays). I wanted to be more independent of her. That was the only one I thought of the first time I watched this.

Now, free means so much more.

I know some of the things I want to be free of, but not all of them. I’ll probably talk about some of them sometime here.

But there’s another part of free that  I need to figure out: I’m already free. So why don’t I act like it? 

This year, not only do I want to find freedom from the things that I’ve let imprison me; I want to believe that I’m already free from all of those things– and actually live like I am. 

Because while I may feel like those things enslave me, the chains are broken. I just need to get up, let them go,  and walk away.

(If only it was that easy. Le sigh).

So that is my 2016: to quit living like I’m still in chains when I’m a child of God.

As Sarah Bessey so adequately put: you’re not a worker, you’re an heir. Live like it!

That’s how I want to live in 2016.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like specifically yet– I learned the hard way in 2015 that going in to a new year with resolutions thinking you had it all figured out is a cause for trouble. Yeah. I learned my lesson there. I can’t choose what God wants to break of me, for me to be free of yet. But I can work with Him to figure it out, right? I can use this word, and look at the chains I’m in, and let Him show me how to break free from what I’ve enslaved myself in.

As for the living like I’m free, that’s a whole other ballgame. But I have ideas.

While I’m not going into 2016 with a crazy list of things I want to change about myself or lofty visions of becoming a new person, I have this: I have a God who has already re-written my story. Who has already broken my chains. And this year, my resolution is to discover how to break free myself– and to live in that freedom. I have some ideas, some goals to help me get there, but ultimately He will help me do what I need to do to be the heir He’s called me to be, plans and goals or not.

This year, my goal is to live into the story where He’s holding the pen. My stories of yesterday can’t hold me back from being His anymore. 2016 will be a year that I declare that my chains are gone– and I’ll actually live like it.

 

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.- Galatians 5:1 (MSG)

This year, I’m taking my stand. There’s no person, no story, no past failings or mistakes that will enslave me anymore. 

I Want to be Free- Ellie Holcomb

Liberty-Switchfoot. Only you can free my soul. (hallelujah)

Run Free- Jon Foreman.Pretty sure this is going to be my anthem for this year.

you’re more beautiful than you think. {a beautiful 2013 post}

So. I’ve been working on this resolution thing, right? This whole working on what the word beautiful is to me, and why I struggle with it so much.

Some days I don’t really know what to right about on here about this, because it’s just so dang personal.

Then there are days where God just puts something in your lap and says, “is this what you’re looking for?!”

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/XpaOjMXyJGk&source=uds

So, this Dove video has been circulating around. I’m usually not one to take to the norm and watch things that are constantly viewed/shared on facebook, but this one was worth my time. It’s worth yours, too, so stop what you’re doing and watch it (even if you already have, it’s worth seeing again).

If I had to do what they did, I’d do the same thing- I’d point out every single line, roll, and freckle before I’d highlight anything good about myself. It’s just how I think about myself, it’s how I’ve always thought of myself-in a negative light.

I’ve mentioned before how other people have hurt me enough to make me hate my body. I’ve mentioned how I’ve never had a good self-esteem, how I’ve never seen myself as beautiful. God’s been changing that, for sure, as of late. But it’s still a struggle, no doubt. As I mentioned in my last post those voices still plague me.

You’re not good enough.
You’re not worthy.
You’ll be beautiful if {fill in the blank}.
If only you were thin like {insert person here}.

You get the picture.

We are our own worst critics. As seen in the video, we see ourselves in the worst light. Only 4% of women around the WORLD believe they’re beautiful.

4%.


I’ve never felt beautiful when I’m looking in the mirror or when I see myself in pictures. It’s a struggle to feel like I’m worthy of that ‘title’, beautiful.  I know I am and we all are because of who we are and how we were made. But it’s still a struggle to see it in my life.

We can’t let ourselves think like that anymore, ladies. And I’m saying this for me as much as I am for anyone else!

Look at the video and how drastically different the sketches of women are- when they describe themselves, and when others describe them. Isn’t it just wild how others see what we can’t? People see beauty much easier when it’s not them they’re talking about. How and why did we get this way?! How can someone point out every single flaw in them, yet someone else who doesn’t know them be able to describe them in such a different way?

We’ve been having a woman’s chapel these past two Mondays called Unspoken. It’s been really great. The topic is about shame,  something we don’t necessarily discuss often. Last night Caroline said the most common thing we said we were shameful about was body image. That we aren’t good enough, we aren’t beautiful enough, we aren’t worthy. It’s all those voices in our lives whispering we deserve to feel this way about ourselves.

Shame is what makes me hate myself some days. Not all days (anymore), but some. Shame is what makes us see ourselves radically different than what others and what God sees us as.  Shame is the memories and the voices in my life teaching me this lie about not being beautiful, and that all that matters is how I look in the mirror.

 There is so much more than that mirror. There is so much more than shame. There is so much more than those voices inside your head saying you’re not beautiful.

You’re more beautiful than you think.

all will be well [a beautiful 2013 post]

I’ve had one whirlwind of a week. It may have been a ‘short’ school week, but it felt ten times longer. It got better as it progressed into the weekend, however.
        Oh the weekend. How it was a weekend I needed, indeed.

After this week, we did exactly what I needed: we got far, far away from school. Away from stress, away from worry, away from schoolwork- just away.

I was exactly where I needed to be this weekend, with the people I needed (and wanted) to be with the most: my mission trip family. 🙂
  We really have become a family. Even moreso this weekend than we already were. I’m thankful for  every one of them and how they’ve already touched my heart long before we go serve together in Cozumel over spring break.

We fellowshipped. Ate a lot of good food (and too much chocolate). We small grouped it up, spent time in prayer stations, worshiped together. We became insanely competitive in Name that Angel and Catchphrase.We acted silly and learned a lot about each other. It was definitely a night of little sleep, but of many many memories (besides: who remembers those nights where you got a full night’s sleep for the rest of their lives?)

My favorite part consisted of two things colliding: our location, and our Saturday morning silent hour.

We were out in Smithville (or Sniffville as Zach thought I said) TN, at a lake house with this spectacular view. It took my breath away when I woke up and saw this outside the back door. Seriously. If you need a place to escape, this is a good place to go. 🙂

After breakfast, we had an hour of silence. We could do whatever we wanted in this hour, except for talk.

I absolutely love the practice of being silent, but in the loud busy days in school, I don’t MAKE the time to do it as much as I should.
Oh how I needed to be still and quiet after the busyness of this week. It was perfect timing.

So I hopped on to the back porch and sat outside. I kinda sat in awe for awhile. Of the quiet, calmness of the lake, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I just soaked it in, thinking about how beautiful creation is. It seriously takes us being far away to sit and just revel at God’s beauty (something I think I need to do more often when I’m back in reality!)

I then decided to start prayerfully reading Captivating for awhile. I haven’t had a lot of time to read this week (such a travesty), so I started getting into it. I am so glad I did.

I’m only 40 pages into it, and I seriously think it’s already changed my life.  After finishing the chapter I was on, I wrote in my journal: beautiful is becoming more real to me.
It’s taken many many years for me to say that. Not only to say it, but sincerely believe it.

I had one of those “aha!” moments. It finally clicked for me. I still don’t have it all figured out when it comes to beautiful and feeling beautiful, but I think I reached a milestone I hadn’t realized I needed to hit this weekend.

I’ve always thought beauty was synonymous with the material- how we look, what we wear, our weight- those may be part of it (the physical part of it, I guess). But it is not what beauty is. Beauty is in us- our essence, as the book says. Beauty was with us from the beginning because of how we were made-and who made us. God gave us a beauty to unveil (as the book so eloquently describes it) to ourselves and to the world.

Isn’t it crazy to think that the same guy that made this world of beautiful creation made me and you? Last week at church we were talking about how imaginative God was in creation. Isn’t it crazy that God made this vast earth-each part of creation beautiful, unique, and mystical- and then decided to make us? I can’t fathom it, really. But He did.

And not only did He make us- He made us in His image. If we’re made in the image of God, how could we-how could I- not see that that is beautiful? The book says: “Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn’t have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation.”

 This beautiful God made this beautiful earth- and He made me beautiful too. 
He gave me beauty right from the get go. It wasn’t something to work for or try to “get”. It is in me. Wow. That’s something I never thought about.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter talks about how you feel when you’re in a beautiful place- like I was this weekend- and how you can breathe, rest, listen in this place? 

      The book says “my heart tells me, ‘all will be well’. This is what beauty says-all shall be well.”

This life- this world- is beautiful. It reminds me that indeed, all will be well. It reminds me that God created the world, and He created me too- and He created me beautifully. And that even if it’s hard to see, hard to understand, beauty is in me- and all will be well. 

 I may not always see it in the mirror everyday (that’s still a work in progress), but I know there is beauty, just simply because of who God is.  Every woman was made to be beautiful. It isn’t something we gain or something we lose- it is who we are. It’s not about makeup or dress size or hair styles- it’s about who we are and how we live and who we live for that shows truly the beauty God has given us.

Beauty is in me- and it says that all will be well. I’m trying to live in this truth.

Isn’t crazy to think that two weeks ago I didn’t think I’d be able to go on this retreat, and see this place, and learn these things I did this weekend (about the team and myself)??

 The saying rings true: we plan, God laughs. I’d like to amend it a little: We plan, God smiles. Because I think after what this weekend has done for me, I’d like to say God is smiling a little brighter. At least I am. 🙂

Build me up, buttercup. [a beautiful 2013 post]

This has nothing to do with the song mentioned in the title by The Foundations, but it IS stuck in my head now. And probably yours too. Hehe.

This whole “one word” thing is different, y’all. I like it though. It makes me focus and seriously dig into it.

So I did my first project/my first attempt towards a beautiful 2013 this weekend. I did this on a whim, instead of doing physics homework and my Psych paper. And I must say, it was quite a success. 🙂

In the last post, I mentioned I had an Oscar Wilde quote up on my door that I looked at everyday. Well, it’s still there.

It was just joined by some friends in a mad fury of covering my floor-length mirror up on the door. (disclaimer to any RAs that read this, they all come off the door smoothly, it’s tape! 😉 )

People that know me well know how much words inspire me.  I love quotes. It’s why I read so much and love to write-words just engage me and help me get through everything.

I read one particular quote and thought about how much I need to read it every day, in a place I can see it.   And that’s where the idea began. I just heard a voice in my head say, “do it”.

So I did.

It helps me block the hate-hate relationship I have with the mirror.  I still have a mirror and do find it important to use to make sure I look relatively decent. Looks are something needed, but it’s not the only thing, especially for me.
 But the big mirror on the back of the door haunts me. I’ve looked at myself in it for 5 seconds and ended up changing my whole outfit for the day because I didn’t look right. It has to do with those whole self-esteem thing, y’all. I don’t see myself in a good light. EVER. (Also why I HATE having my picture taken, but that’s a different story for a different blog). When I see how I look in the mirror, I point out every mark, blemish. I continually say words that make me hate myself, instead of seeing what I need to see, which is the fact that I am BETTER than what that mirror has to say.

In the ever-wise words of Barlow Girl:

“I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect.

So sorry you won’t define me.
Sorry you don’t own me.

Who are you to tell me that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?”

(this song may become my motto for the new year).

My word wall (as I have dubbed it) helps me build myself up with words. 

So now I don’t have that pressure to look into the mirror everyday and see something I don’t want to see. Now, I look and see the words I need to see to get me through the day (and this year!) There’s scripture, song lyrics, quotes about everything-beauty, faith, perfectionism, and random thoughts to keep me going. 

I don’t think it’ll be a permanent fixture in my room (at least not on the mirror). But until I can thoughtfully look at myself in a full-length mirror and genuinely LOVE the girl I see looking back at me, letting words be the mirror to see what I need to be is what I need. 

I need some time to heal from the hurtful words I’ve said to myself in the mirror before I can see myself that way. It’s gonna take time. I’m working on letting go, and that’s a big deal for me. It’s a process, and if you’ll stick with me, I think I’ll be okay. 🙂 

I leave you with a song and a request. The song lyrics to this song are the top of my word wall, and have been my prayer since I started this whole Beautiful 2013 thing. 

“This is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful”

The words really resonate-not just in this whole beauty/self-esteem thing I’m working on. But in my walk with God as well. I’m not sure where You’re going to take me, but I’m gonna go along for the ride and find something beautiful in the midst of it (at least that’s what I’m gonna aim for). 

As for the request. It’s pretty easy: What are some things you think could help me make this year a beautiful 2013? I already have a few ideas in mind, and am prayerfully working on it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a “thing”-a topic, a project, a book/article etc. Anything that may help me attain my goal of being and seeing the beauty God has created. What would you find helpful?

Goodnight (or morning) my beloved friends. 🙂