all will be well [a beautiful 2013 post]

I’ve had one whirlwind of a week. It may have been a ‘short’ school week, but it felt ten times longer. It got better as it progressed into the weekend, however.
        Oh the weekend. How it was a weekend I needed, indeed.

After this week, we did exactly what I needed: we got far, far away from school. Away from stress, away from worry, away from schoolwork- just away.

I was exactly where I needed to be this weekend, with the people I needed (and wanted) to be with the most: my mission trip family. 🙂
  We really have become a family. Even moreso this weekend than we already were. I’m thankful for  every one of them and how they’ve already touched my heart long before we go serve together in Cozumel over spring break.

We fellowshipped. Ate a lot of good food (and too much chocolate). We small grouped it up, spent time in prayer stations, worshiped together. We became insanely competitive in Name that Angel and Catchphrase.We acted silly and learned a lot about each other. It was definitely a night of little sleep, but of many many memories (besides: who remembers those nights where you got a full night’s sleep for the rest of their lives?)

My favorite part consisted of two things colliding: our location, and our Saturday morning silent hour.

We were out in Smithville (or Sniffville as Zach thought I said) TN, at a lake house with this spectacular view. It took my breath away when I woke up and saw this outside the back door. Seriously. If you need a place to escape, this is a good place to go. 🙂

After breakfast, we had an hour of silence. We could do whatever we wanted in this hour, except for talk.

I absolutely love the practice of being silent, but in the loud busy days in school, I don’t MAKE the time to do it as much as I should.
Oh how I needed to be still and quiet after the busyness of this week. It was perfect timing.

So I hopped on to the back porch and sat outside. I kinda sat in awe for awhile. Of the quiet, calmness of the lake, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I just soaked it in, thinking about how beautiful creation is. It seriously takes us being far away to sit and just revel at God’s beauty (something I think I need to do more often when I’m back in reality!)

I then decided to start prayerfully reading Captivating for awhile. I haven’t had a lot of time to read this week (such a travesty), so I started getting into it. I am so glad I did.

I’m only 40 pages into it, and I seriously think it’s already changed my life.  After finishing the chapter I was on, I wrote in my journal: beautiful is becoming more real to me.
It’s taken many many years for me to say that. Not only to say it, but sincerely believe it.

I had one of those “aha!” moments. It finally clicked for me. I still don’t have it all figured out when it comes to beautiful and feeling beautiful, but I think I reached a milestone I hadn’t realized I needed to hit this weekend.

I’ve always thought beauty was synonymous with the material- how we look, what we wear, our weight- those may be part of it (the physical part of it, I guess). But it is not what beauty is. Beauty is in us- our essence, as the book says. Beauty was with us from the beginning because of how we were made-and who made us. God gave us a beauty to unveil (as the book so eloquently describes it) to ourselves and to the world.

Isn’t it crazy to think that the same guy that made this world of beautiful creation made me and you? Last week at church we were talking about how imaginative God was in creation. Isn’t it crazy that God made this vast earth-each part of creation beautiful, unique, and mystical- and then decided to make us? I can’t fathom it, really. But He did.

And not only did He make us- He made us in His image. If we’re made in the image of God, how could we-how could I- not see that that is beautiful? The book says: “Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn’t have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation.”

 This beautiful God made this beautiful earth- and He made me beautiful too. 
He gave me beauty right from the get go. It wasn’t something to work for or try to “get”. It is in me. Wow. That’s something I never thought about.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter talks about how you feel when you’re in a beautiful place- like I was this weekend- and how you can breathe, rest, listen in this place? 

      The book says “my heart tells me, ‘all will be well’. This is what beauty says-all shall be well.”

This life- this world- is beautiful. It reminds me that indeed, all will be well. It reminds me that God created the world, and He created me too- and He created me beautifully. And that even if it’s hard to see, hard to understand, beauty is in me- and all will be well. 

 I may not always see it in the mirror everyday (that’s still a work in progress), but I know there is beauty, just simply because of who God is.  Every woman was made to be beautiful. It isn’t something we gain or something we lose- it is who we are. It’s not about makeup or dress size or hair styles- it’s about who we are and how we live and who we live for that shows truly the beauty God has given us.

Beauty is in me- and it says that all will be well. I’m trying to live in this truth.

Isn’t crazy to think that two weeks ago I didn’t think I’d be able to go on this retreat, and see this place, and learn these things I did this weekend (about the team and myself)??

 The saying rings true: we plan, God laughs. I’d like to amend it a little: We plan, God smiles. Because I think after what this weekend has done for me, I’d like to say God is smiling a little brighter. At least I am. 🙂

Build me up, buttercup. [a beautiful 2013 post]

This has nothing to do with the song mentioned in the title by The Foundations, but it IS stuck in my head now. And probably yours too. Hehe.

This whole “one word” thing is different, y’all. I like it though. It makes me focus and seriously dig into it.

So I did my first project/my first attempt towards a beautiful 2013 this weekend. I did this on a whim, instead of doing physics homework and my Psych paper. And I must say, it was quite a success. 🙂

In the last post, I mentioned I had an Oscar Wilde quote up on my door that I looked at everyday. Well, it’s still there.

It was just joined by some friends in a mad fury of covering my floor-length mirror up on the door. (disclaimer to any RAs that read this, they all come off the door smoothly, it’s tape! 😉 )

People that know me well know how much words inspire me.  I love quotes. It’s why I read so much and love to write-words just engage me and help me get through everything.

I read one particular quote and thought about how much I need to read it every day, in a place I can see it.   And that’s where the idea began. I just heard a voice in my head say, “do it”.

So I did.

It helps me block the hate-hate relationship I have with the mirror.  I still have a mirror and do find it important to use to make sure I look relatively decent. Looks are something needed, but it’s not the only thing, especially for me.
 But the big mirror on the back of the door haunts me. I’ve looked at myself in it for 5 seconds and ended up changing my whole outfit for the day because I didn’t look right. It has to do with those whole self-esteem thing, y’all. I don’t see myself in a good light. EVER. (Also why I HATE having my picture taken, but that’s a different story for a different blog). When I see how I look in the mirror, I point out every mark, blemish. I continually say words that make me hate myself, instead of seeing what I need to see, which is the fact that I am BETTER than what that mirror has to say.

In the ever-wise words of Barlow Girl:

“I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect.

So sorry you won’t define me.
Sorry you don’t own me.

Who are you to tell me that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?”

(this song may become my motto for the new year).

My word wall (as I have dubbed it) helps me build myself up with words. 

So now I don’t have that pressure to look into the mirror everyday and see something I don’t want to see. Now, I look and see the words I need to see to get me through the day (and this year!) There’s scripture, song lyrics, quotes about everything-beauty, faith, perfectionism, and random thoughts to keep me going. 

I don’t think it’ll be a permanent fixture in my room (at least not on the mirror). But until I can thoughtfully look at myself in a full-length mirror and genuinely LOVE the girl I see looking back at me, letting words be the mirror to see what I need to be is what I need. 

I need some time to heal from the hurtful words I’ve said to myself in the mirror before I can see myself that way. It’s gonna take time. I’m working on letting go, and that’s a big deal for me. It’s a process, and if you’ll stick with me, I think I’ll be okay. 🙂 

I leave you with a song and a request. The song lyrics to this song are the top of my word wall, and have been my prayer since I started this whole Beautiful 2013 thing. 

“This is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful”

The words really resonate-not just in this whole beauty/self-esteem thing I’m working on. But in my walk with God as well. I’m not sure where You’re going to take me, but I’m gonna go along for the ride and find something beautiful in the midst of it (at least that’s what I’m gonna aim for). 

As for the request. It’s pretty easy: What are some things you think could help me make this year a beautiful 2013? I already have a few ideas in mind, and am prayerfully working on it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a “thing”-a topic, a project, a book/article etc. Anything that may help me attain my goal of being and seeing the beauty God has created. What would you find helpful?

Goodnight (or morning) my beloved friends. 🙂 

One Word (a Resolution of sorts)

  Well, break is officially over and it’s back to the grind that is college for me. Woohoo. (I know you’re excited for me, too).

I was genuinely not looking forward to going back this semester. Not that I wasn’t looking forward to going and seeing friends and getting new classes (after last semester, that part was quite exhilarating!).
  Now that I’m back, though, I have to say I’m pretty happy. Most of my classes are enjoyable so far (WON’T be saying that next week when I have Physics and Math homework due…but oh well). I’m happy to be back with friends, and back at my home away from home. School’s always been my thing, so I’m ready to get to it I guess.

I never wrote a post about New Years/ Resolution things, so I guess I should now. (I’ll try not to get sappy or cliché, but hey, it’s a New Years post-aren’t they all?):

Overall, I wasn’t the saddest to see 2012 go. It wasn’t the worst year…but it definitely wasn’t the best.

Some great, wonderful things happened. In school, in friendships, in my walk with God… I won’t go into details here cause that’s not what this post was about. But some very good, beautiful things happened in 2012, and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Some sad things happened too.
 Depression hit me hard this year, not gonna lie. It did. (Therapy helped…April if you’re reading this, you were right-but when aren’t you?!) 😉
There was a lot of loss this year. (Not just in death either, though that did happen).
 Loss of happiness, loss of joy, loss of myself in the mess and chaos of stress and life. But the biggest loss?
My self-esteem probably took the biggest hit. I’ve struggled with it a lot my whole life, but this year for many reasons I just let it keep falling, until it’s been practically nil.
       I’ve never been one to try to dress up/look nice for classes, or the girl to worry about her appearance 24/7… until this year. Because I just haven’t felt beautiful enough to not focus on it. Not that I don’t enjoy looking nice and being pretty…I just didn’t feel right if I wasn’t. At all. I’ve struggled with my weight, my looks, my perception of “beautiful” and the like since I was a little girl, when I always thought that pretty was synonymous with “skinny, tall, and blonde.”
        When people say I look pretty/beautiful, I feel partly thankful and flattered. The other part of me thinks, “Who, me?! You’ve gotta be talking about someone else, because apparently what you see and what I see are two different things.”
There are many, many days where I just can’t see it. I may know it, but knowing and seeing are two different things, especially when it comes to girls and the mirror.

  There are probably many other days when I just don’t believe it. There are days when I say that I don’t care if the Bible says there is no flaw in me-then how and WHY the heck do I see flaw upon flaw every time I see myself?!

If there was ever one person that could define how I feel best…it’s author Jennifer Weiner in this article: http://www.allure.com/allure-magazine/2012/10/fat-the-f-word?currentPage=1

^READ IT. Seriously.

I’ve always been good at certain things, like Jennifer says. But my looks and weight always was/is looked at first…not the scholarly student that has a solid college GPA, not the girl who loves books and collects and reads them over and over, not the girl who’s loved to sing in the choir her entire life, the girl who wants to write books upon books someday, or the girl that’s a master speller with a vocabulary envious to many… nope. The first thing I think about isn’t my accomplishments and honors. It’s what I see in the mirror. And it’s not a good feeling.

This is how I felt constantly and constantly over 2012. And I refuse to let it happen again in 2013. Time hating myself and letting things or people (especially myself) pull my self-esteem down needs to be over.

It’s my work in progress for the year.

It’s not my resolution. Because I’ve noticed throughout the years, that resolutions simply don’t work. Saying I’m going to do this list of things different in the new year doesn’t always work. Life happens, things change way too much for us to make a list of resolutions of actions we need to take, things we need to do and change.

But being something works. Believing something works.

So this year, I’m not just going to do something different-I’m going to be something different, and believe something different. And see if and how that makes a difference in how I see myself, in how I see the beauty and joy that’s been missing.

I was reading on twitter and came across a blog about a book called My One Word, and I really like it and the idea behind it.(haven’t gotten the book yet, but will be in the near future!)

    It’s about instead of focusing on this list of resolutions to keep ahold of, changing your year-and your life- with one word. Focus on one word to work on this year, instead of aiming for a list of could-be’s and should happen’s. Resolutions won’t necessarily get me anywhere (they may for you, and if they do-more power to ya! haha), but centering my new year on one word and one belief can change a little, or change a lot. 

Well, I’m gonna focus on my one word this year. I think the word might be a bit obvious.

Beautiful is the word I’m going to focus on this year. Not just looking beautiful or acting beautiful necessarily…but believing in what beautiful is. Believing the beauty in myself, in other people, and in the world around me. Beautiful is not just something we wear, how we look, or something we have…it’s something we are. I’ve lost sight in that. We are beautiful because of what God has created us to be, not because of what I see when I look in the mirror. 

I have this quote by Oscar Wilde taped to my door, and I’m going to try believing it this year:

                                   
Learning to love myself is going to be the first step. Loving myself for who I am and who God made me to be will really show me truly what being beautiful means.

I’m currently reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and think it’s really going to help. Books have a way of helping me through a lot of things, so I think it’ll help me with this. (Thank you April, for being right…again!:)

Beautiful is my word. And I’m gonna own it this year.

 If you haven’t started on a “resolution” this year, why don’t you give this one word idea a shot with me? It’d be good to have others along for the ride too! If you’d like to hear more about this My One Word idea, you should definitely check out the authors’ blog for more info: http://myoneword.org/

  I’m not gonna resolve to lose the weight I need to, or to be nicer to people, or to work on my faith with God. I’m gonna focus on what beautiful is to me, and what God has in store with me using this concept of beautiful this year.
I feel that God is going to do great, great, things, with one simple word.