I have rarely ever felt good enough at anything I’ve ever done.
That’s kind of a scary thing to say (let alone think!), but it’s true: everytime I do or say something, I doubt myself. I second guess my abilities (even when I know they’re good), my knowledge (when it hasn’t failed me yet), my faith (even when I see Him working in every thing I do). I am too much like Peter for my own good (maybe it’s why I like him so much?!?).
Especially in this season, when I have no utter clue what direction I’m heading, I doubt everything. I can’t make decisions because my brain goes down the worst-case scenario road and that shut my ideas down real quick.
The what ifs eat away at me, trying to make me less and less myself.
–
And yet, where I doubt, Jesus has every assurance in me. He doesn’t doubt who or what He’s created.
He believes in me better than I believe in myself. He has faith in me more than I have in myself.
He tells me-proclaims to me- that He has a plan. He has given me gifts and wisdom and power to do whatever the heck it is I’m supposed to do (still waiting on an answer on that one, Lord!).
He reminds me every day that He isn’t changing– He is constant, even when my life is shifting around me like a bullet train. He’s not going to stop believing in who He has created, either. His thoughts about me are constant, no matter if I believe them or not.
There’s no doubt in his heart of who I am. Why is there in mine?
—
I leave you with this, which has been on repeat while writing this:
Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee; thou changest not; thy compassions, they fail not. as thou hast been thou forever wilt be.
Great is thy faithfulness!
Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided.
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
(I’ve been listening to the Sandra McCracken version, which you can listen to here!
Celebrate was not a word I’ve been feeling this week.
There’s been plenty to celebrate in friends’ lives. Birthdays, engagements (3 in one day, not that I’m counting), new jobs, new pets, new moves to new places. All awesome things.
But, I can’t help but feel a little jealous of them.
Because I don’t have anything to celebrate right now.
I want things to celebrate. I want happy endings and doors to open.
I want what they have. Or rather, I don’t want what I have currently.
I want love (much more than i realized). I want purpose. I want a goal. I want a life. (different than what I have now).
I want things worth celebrating, because the life I’m living right now doesn’t have much. I have a degree left hanging in the balance; I have a room at my mom’s house; I have no current idea what the hell I’m doing, and have no idea what I’m going to do post-graduation in May.
And yes, I know people have it worse. But after this week, I need a pity party. Because I need something better than this to feel like I can celebrate.
I’ve never felt this way– this tinge of jealousy. But I think it stems from the fact that before now, I felt like I had things figured out. I had a career plan, a grad school plan… and then it all changed. and now I’m stuck. The circumstances I put myself in are not worth celebrating. I don’t know what they’re worth, honestly.
Now that I don’t have it all together, I feel jealous about the friends that do. Engagements, celebrations,
Celebrate is not what I feel like doing this week… or even feel like I can do.
END.
longer than five minutes… and I hate this post. It feels immensely stupid. But I don’t have a good word to celebrate this week, so this is it.
This week’s Five Minute Friday is late because of this post for National Suicide Prevention Week/Day. While you’re here, please read and spread some awareness for me?
I resist change. I am a same old kind of girl. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, y’know?
I like my routine. I like my plans. I like my way of life.
I get too comfortable with sameness, you see. I think I control it all, I have it all planned out- i’s dotted, t’s crossed.
My life is going to end up just how I want it to, dangit! (and I’m gonna marry Jimmy Fallon and have nightly lip-sync battles with him and Questlove. Spoiler alert: It ain’t happenin’).
Then Jesus disrupts everything. And He turns it all upside down. (for what feels like the millionth time).
I go through stages when my sameness is disrupted:
first I hate it,
then I realize Jesus was right all along (as always)
then I get comfortable with the changes He’s made– and I’m back to being with my sameness.
And the cycle continues.
Just as life has shown me the past few weeks… girl doesn’t have it all figured out. And right when I think I do, life gets thrown a curveball that sends me straight back to square 1.
I can’t live in sameness when I’m called to different, called to newness. Even when that means all my carefully laid plans are thwarted (even for something greater-it still sucks).
Currently, I’m still firmly planted in the “i hate it” stage.
I hate this change (no, I don’t regret leaving student teaching- it’s just the sucky timing). Even though I know this is the right thing for right now, I don’t want it to be. I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing what I’m doing or who I’m going to be. It’s freaking terrifying (especially when this has been what I’ve wanted to do for a solid 90% of my life). Even though this is where I need to be right now, it is not where I want to be.
I want to have my life figured out again. (Exactly as I had planned, thank you very much). I don’t want my calling, my life goal to be different.
But alas, life didn’t exactly go that way this time. And I HATE IT. UGH.
~
Sarah Bessey posted the opening lines of her new book, Out of Sorts, yesterday and it grabbed me right where it urts.
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LIFE, SARAH?!?!
Alternate book title: My life, The Jordan Taylor Story: when your best laid plans fall apart in front of your face.
~
As much as I loathe change, I know for growth and life to happen, change is necessary (a necessary evil, if you will).
Jesus didn’t call us to stay the same.
Anne Lammott reminds us that grace doesn’t leave us the same way it found us. (hallelujah for that).
With Jesus in us and surrounding us, we will not be the same. Neither will our plans be (no matter how firmly we lay them).
We are meant to change. We are meant to keep evolving, keep being made new.
We can’t be the same as we were before Jesus. He made us for so much better than that.
Even when the new scares me to death.
(longer than 5 minutes… I couldn’t stop when I got started, y’all. That’s a first for me!).
“Please wake me up in the morning; don’t let me die in my sleep.”
“This is all just too much for me.”
“I’m scared I won’t wake up in the morning.”
~
“I’d be less of a burden if I was just gone.”
“Maybe things would just be easier if I wasn’t here…”
“i don’t want to deal with this anymore.”
“Ending it all might just be easier.”
^ The above are all things I’ve either said, thought, or prayed over the past 11 months.
The last 3 shock me to an extent. But when I really think about it… I’ve believed those thoughts more than I realize.
Jarrid Wilson said it exquisitely in a recent blog post:
“I never tried to take my own life in my younger years, but I frequently found myself googling painless ways to commit suicide, and really had no remorse once finding what I was looking for.”
I’ve been there. More times than I’d like to admit.
~
“It was like a voice track playing in my head, every time I had an ache or pain, or something felt off… my brain just would go off the deep end. My brain and my body are at war constantly… and for awhile, I wasn’t sure which one was going to win out.I’ve gone to bed every night since October convinced I wouldn’t wake up the next day.”
Anxiety is one of the scariest things I’ve ever dealt with. (And this is a scaredy cat you’re talking to). The panic attacks would sneak in in the middle of the night, when I felt the most unsafe (nights are still the worst). They would physically, mentally, emotionally debilitate me… to the point that I was so scared of having an attack, I’d have an attack. A viscious, sleepless, despairing cycle. It’s been 11 months since the night I had my 1st panic attack. It will always be a day I clearly remember… because it changed my life.
What used to be me worrying about minor things slowly turned into me becoming worried about everything… and becoming catostrophically upset/scared about it to the point of tears, sleepless nights, and the inability to function normally. I became so obsessed with every minor ache and pain in my life I was terrified I wasn’t going to wake up the next day. Every. day. (I still have days like this, too. Almost daily still).
But anxiety is so much more than being scared or worried. It’s this overwhelming, all-consuming parade of thoughts and feelings that make you question everything, worry about everything, and never be able to fully trust yourself or your circumstances. It’s irrational and ridiculous and 100% of it is all in my head. But that doesn’t make it less paralyzing. Your thoughts and feelings override every! part! of! existence!– to the point that you can’t hear anything but the anxious thoughts. You assume the worst about everything, and it becomes so miserable you just want to climb into a hole and escape from everything and everyone. (at least that’s how I felt).
It’s so much bigger than being anxious about a test or meeting new people.
~
“I just don’t have the will to live anymore.”
I said to my grandmother one day, while she was cooking dinner. I don’t remember my age, but I’m gonna guess between 8-10. But I have that moment in time memorized in my head.
It was the first time I thought that maybe I didn’t want to live anymore.
It wasn’t the last, though.
There have been so many times in my life… that I felt like life just wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it. And when anxiety reared its ugly head… depression did too (again). They go hand and hand.
One tells you that nothing is right… the other tells you nothing is worth it.
Depression is mind-numbing. It makes me feel like I’m in a fog, or in a pit I can’t climb out of. I’d dealt with depression previously in my life, but coupled with my anxiety, it led me into a never-ending cycle of both crippling sadness and fear.
I’m in a season of life currently where anxiety and depression have taken over– where I want to do nothing more than curl up in a ball and sleep til the day is over (and I usually do, honestly). So much change in such little time, so many overwhelming feelings and moments. It’s become too much to handle.
With all the recent life changes, my anxiety has shifted into overdrive and taken over my nighttime; depression has engulfed me during the daytime… and I am about to become fully unglued.
This just isn’t worth it, my brain tells me.
“Maybe I’d be better off gone,” I said earlier this week. (Aloud).
“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” I said yesterday while praying.
These thoughts overwhelm me on days when life knocks me down. But I refuse to give them the power to take over my life.
Anxiety lies.
Just because life gets overwhelming doesn’t mean it’s not worth living.
When life gets scary it isn’t time to give up.
I am STRONGER than my emotions let me think I am. (so much so).
I do not have to second guess every thought, action, or word… I don’t have to obsess with my life to the point of crippling it.
Anxiety tries to tell me that I’m not good enough… that I’m not ok… that life is awful and there’s nothing that will make it better.
Anxiety is a liar. And it’s time I start believing that.
Depression lies.
A bad day does not equate a bad life.
I am not meant to just get by in life- I am made for more than this.
I have more to offer to the world– I am good enough just as I am.
My story is worth sharing, and my life is worth fully living.
My life is worth so much more than what my brain tells me it is.
I have too much left to do; I have too much left to offer to let it end here.
I’m here for a reason, dangit; even when I don’t feel like it, I am not made to leave here this soon.
I have a life that’s waiting to be lived beyond what anxiety and depression let me think there is.
It’s time I stop giving in to the lies and the voices and start speaking up for myself. I deserve it.
(Against the Voices, Switchfoot)
~
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. It is time to be aware, educate, and advocate for mental health.
It took me until I dealt with mental illness in my own life to see just how prevalent it is, and how stigmatized it is. (and I was apart of the stigma, too). It took me until my own personal diagnosis with depression and GAD to see just how mental health is as important as any other kind of health. Now that I see it from the other side, I understand. I just wish I had thought about the impact of mental health much, much sooner.
GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population yearly– and twice as likely to affect women (source)
Major depressive disorder affects approximately 14.8 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older, in a given year. (source) (just one of the multiple kinds of depression)
In 2013, 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.[In 2013] Someone in the country died by suicide every 12.8 minutes. After cancer and heart disease, suicide accounts for more years of life lost than any other cause of death. (source)
Every 12.8 minutes. Just think about that for a minute. Scary, right?
It’s time to start breaking this cycle. And it begins with us.
~
It is okay to ask for help (I struggle so much with this, hence why this post took a week to write… vulnerability is scary but it is a must). Community and helping each other is one of the biggest things. You’ll be surprised by how many “you, too” statements you’ll hear. (I was).
It is okay to take medicine (I can see/feel a difference in me before and after I take my meds). It is okay not to take medicine either (it helps some, it doesn’t help others).
It is okay to see a therapist. (Mine got me out of the depths. I need to go back). It’s okay not to see one, either.
Not everyone finds help or solace in the same way. But the key: seek help, no matter what it looks like.
For me, help some days is in the form of watching Jimmy Fallon clips until I fall asleep. (Seriously, The Tonight Show has helped me laugh my way out of panic attacks before).
The bottom line: you deserve help. your story deserves to be told. But it begins with you, and it begins when you seek the help you need.
I suffered far too long on my own to know, y’all. It’s not worth your life to wait and try to figure it out on your own.
We are worth more than we think we are— enough to find the help we need to pull ourselves out of whatever we’re caving under.
(Larger than Life, Jon Foreman- this whole EP has helped me more than words could describe).
~
To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) has been an immensely helpful source of hope and community for me, especially over the past year when I finally started taking mental health seriously. For NSPW, this year’s theme is “We’ll See You Tomorrow”-– a theme signifying that tomorrow will come, and tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow gives us hope.
Suicide doesn’t give us a chance to see what tomorrow will bring; it ends our story too soon.
“Above all else, we choose to stay. We choose to fight the darkness and the sadness, to fight the questions and the lies and the myth of all that’s missing. We choose to stay, because we are stories still going. Because there is still some time for things to turn around, time for surprises and for change. We stay because no one else can play our part.
Life is worth living.
We’ll see you tomorrow.” -Jamie Tworkowski, founder of TWLOHA
Life is worth living, guys. And not just the getting by kind of living. It’s time we started treating our lives like they are worth more than what our brains say they are.
If you need help, seek it.
If you need community to help you, reach out– it’s waiting for you. And be that community to others, too. We need each other.
If you need resources, check out TWLOHA and the other links in this post– there are plenty of resources and foundations that work to help us figure this stuff out.
My “You’ll See Me Tomorrow” reason page. Check out TWLOHA’s website to write one yourself!
“You’ll see me tomorrow because life is MORE THAN what anxiety lets me think it is. I have more life to live beyond GAD.”
I have too many tomorrows to look forward to, and it’s time to stop letting the lies and the voices tell me I won’t see them.
To learn more about what you can do, and to get help if you need it, please check out To Write Love on Her Arms.
Because I want to see as many tomorrows as I can, and I won’t let my mental health stop me.
Thanks for reading, guys. 🙂
I’ll see you tomorrow.
(Spoken Word for NSPW that TWLOHA created- stunningly beautiful).
So I tried Emily’s What I Learned series last year, and I failed after 3 months. Sorry, Emily!
So I decided to try again this month… if only because I learned a lot this month.
I’mma do the silly stuff first cause it’s easier:
1. German Chocolate cake did NOT originate in Germany.
Bizarre, huh? Yes, German Chocolate cake is an American thing created by the German Chocolate brand (which I’ve never heard of, but whatever). I learned that from the Food Network Queen, Ina Garten.
2. Puppies are awesome. And neurotic. AND EXHAUSTING.
So if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, this is the world’s worst kept secret, but I haven’t written anything about it here so: we got a puppy!!
For some reason WordPress is being a drama llama and WON’T LET ME UPLOAD PICTURES (Meanie) but I will attempt to again later. Pictures below!!
He’s a black pug, he’s 11 weeks old, and he is cute. A cute, tiny, snuggly menace. But did I mention cute?!?
(left to right: 5 weeks, 8 weeks, 11 weeks)
His name is Sirius Atticus (named for 2 of my favorite book characters), but we call him Russ. We’ve had him home 5 weeks now. He is a HAM. He loves people, attention, having his picture taken, and cuddles. He also enjoys biting, waking up at the crack of dawn, and chasing Lola around to her dismay (Lola is me in pug form–my little introvert, which balances out Russ’s i-love-everyone extrovert).
He is a mess, but dangit he’s cute. He gets away with a lot because of it. Can you just FEEL the sass in those pictures? We are in trouble.
3. Adult Coloring books are the best idea ever.
Why didn’t someone think of this/market this SOONER?!? I love to color. It’s one of my anxiety-helpers when I’m in panic-attack mode… I just print out some pages usually and color. I do not, however, enjoy coloring My Little Pony or whatever the latest and greatest kids franchise is… so adult coloring books= brilliant. I have yet to invest in one, but Margaret Feinburg just released one today that I will be purchasing tomorrow. Worship art is one of my favorite ways to have quiet time, so this is the perfect combination of those things for me. Praying/learning scripture with art is my happy place.
(I would love more than one adult coloring book, o people who wonder what I want for Christmas!!!)
4.McDonalds Breakfast all day= GENIUS.
Guys. As much as I hate to admit my McD’s love, I can’t quit McD’s breakfast. Besides their sweet tea and fries, that’s about all I eat there. So this whole all day breakfast thing= game changer. I am a breakfast-food lover any time of the day, especially McD’s biscuits– plus, now I can get a biscuit with fries instead of a wimpy hashbrown. Dangit, I’m hungry now.
here’s hoping CFA follows suit- I’m pretty sure I could eat chicken minis every day and not regret it. (Ok my thighs would regret it, let’s be real).
5. Jimmy Fallon (still) saves my sanity.
RELEVANT wrote a fantastic article about Fallon and Late Night TV, and what we can learn from the newcomers like Fallon and James Corden (read: we can learn a lot, people of faith!). Fallon Tonight really reminds me how much God loves laughter and joy. Jimmy is the epitome of laughter and joy for me. As Relevant says, he is authentic– and his enjoyment and passion for what he does shines through. You can tell he loves to make people happy–he was made to make people like me laugh and feel better.
He is a breath of fresh air, and he makes me laugh on nights when I am crippled in bed with fear. I never realized how grateful I’d be for late night TV. 🙂
6. If you have not listened to Ben Rector’s new album, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?
This isn’t as much of a lesson as much of a reminder: Ben Rector is perfect. His music is perfect. Do yourself a favor and go listen to Brand New on Apple Music (or buy it, which I will be doing soon). I’m usually a bigger fan of Ben’s slow songs, but on this album I preferred his more upbeat dance-y tunes. Brand New and Crazy are on the top of my list, but Fear might just become my new theme song.
WordPress is seriously being a jerk tonight and won’t insert anything, so GO HERE to listen to Fear:
Same feelings about Jon Foreman’s EP series: I have pre-ordered every one as they have come available, and they have yet to disappoint. DO IT. You can thank me later.
onto the more serious lessons of the month…
7. I need to read more.
The one thing I’ve noticed about not being in school is that I’m not reading as much as I used to. When I lived in Elam, I would usually go sit in Starbucks or chill outside (I miss my swing!!) and read; I could easily get a book down in a week or 2 doing that (in-between the dozen books I was reading for class. English major probs).
Now I don’t have many places to go and read. We have a screened-in back porch, but it is currently in use by our roommates (but they are not here for much longer, yippee), and I don’t have a nice outdoor place to sit and read (again, I miss my swinggggg!). I know I don’t need a place to read; but being inside, I usually lean more towards playing on the computer (or reading articles on the computer, which is still reading but not the reading I should be doing) or playing with Russ, or sleeping. I need to get back into the reading habit. I’ve been reading the same 2 books since July, time to finish em and keep going! (and there are SO many books that just came out or are coming out I need to read… if only I could finish the ones I HAVE!).
8. I MISS WALKING.
Living on campus, I walked everywhere. I tried to walk everyday- not only was it my favorite form of exercise, but it was also a way for me to get away from the dorm for a bit, and it was my biggest anxiety reducer (when I felt a panic coming on, I’d run out of the dorm and walk around campus. It was the most beneficial thing for my anxiety).
Now, I live on a road without a sidewalk. It’s also a cut-through street to 2 main roads, so people speed down our road like no one lives here (I’ve seriously yelled at people to slow down from 70-80mph while getting my mail. SERIOUSLY!). So, walking here is really out of the question (unless I’m desperate for a moment alone, which has happened a few times). We have a park with a walkway less than 2 minutes away, but I can never go (my mom has 100 different excuses as to why… I hear them every. day.). I miss my exercise!
9.Honestly, I miss being on campus.
I loved campus life. Not only was it (usually) fun, I was in close proximity to everyone and everything I needed. Along with being 40 minutes away from my mother (instead of 40 seconds away, UGH), and a 60 second walk down to my therapist… yeah. I miss it.
Except the dorm part of it. I miss being on campus, but not really living there. I love you, Elam, but I do appreciate having a room not adjacent to 200-something other girls’ rooms. And a working kitchen. And my dogs. So there’s pros and cons to both, but I do miss being close to everyone. I’ll be back soon enough, but it’s hard not being around all the time when that’s all you’ve known for 4 years.
10. Writing more often is one of the best things I’ve done for myself.
This could be its own post, but I’ll just write it here for now.
I write here, obviously, but have never pushed myself to write regularly… or as much as I really wanted to. I make excuses for not writing more all the time, because it was just a hobby I could put on the backburner when life gets busy– when in reality, writing is one of my best stress relievers and is the best creative outlet/talent I have.
With DOD, I had to submit things regularly and on a specific day/time. It forced me to write, and be diligent about writing. I realized when I was on a time crunch, I wrote more and enjoyed it more, because I had a goal and a challenge every week to accomplish. No procrastinating or overthinking about it was possible. It made me more disciplined in writing… and it also made me want to write more.
Now, I’ve been writing on Thursdays for Five Minute Friday for a little over a month now… talk about discipline! It has been so fun. And those pieces might not be my best-written (because hello 5 minutes to write!) but they’re some of my favorites, because I had to just let it all out on the paper (or the screen) for everyone to read.
Ernest Hemingway said it best:
“Write clear and hard about what hurts.”
FMF gives me the freedom to do that, and the discipline to keep choosing to do it every week… I look forward to Thursdays now!
I want more reasons to write. It’s reignited the passion I’ve always had for writing that I’ve missed (college kills it just a little). I am determined to make this a much more active space in my life. I need it, clearly.
I am grateful for these writing opportunities for reminding me just how much I love being a writer. (I never call myself a writer… go me!)
11. I still hate Romeo and Juliet.
This could have gone with the silly ones above, but honestly… gah. I hated it when I read it (barely) freshman year, I hated it when I attempted to teach it. My Lipscomb supervisor joked that the only reason we still read Shakespeare is because it’s in the public domain… I’m starting to agree with her! (Sorry Scott). I like some Shakes, but R & J will be one I never like… or understand why we teach it.
Again, thought I had it all figured out. I always do, don’t I?
Then real life happens and you’re thrown a curve ball bigger than you ever anticipated… it’s awful. Mentally and emotionally, this is the worst I’ve felt in months. This month has been agonizing as I made decisions that quite literally change the course of my entire life… after I thought I knew exactly what I was doing.
Would it have been different if I had a different teacher, not at my alma mater? Sure, probably.
Would the circumstances had been better if I hadn’t started teaching full-time my 2nd week there-if I had been able to wait longer and learn more before being given full-reign? Probably. (Definitely).
Would I have been better off if my mental health was better? I don’t even have to answer that one, do I?
But, I had the cards I was dealt… and I caved under the pressure. I’m not proud of it, but am relieved I knew myself well enough to know when to stop and say no. (A year ago I probably wouldn’t be saying that–I would have probably stayed until I mentally broke more than I already did). It was sucky timing, no doubt. But I’m glad I’m starting to figure it out now… even if I have nothing else figured out quite yet. Who knows, I may take this semester and decide to try again. Or this may be leading me somewhere else. I don’t know yet. I’ll know when i get there, I guess.
13. Change is hard, scary, and currently miserable… but necessary.
And hopefully, it’s worth the mess I’m in.
Re-posting this because I need to read it every day right now.
Reminding myself that I was made for such a time as this… time to live it bravely.
Hoping September is kinder to me, but still filled with lessons… just more silly ones this time.
Writeable moments 