brand new.

I’ve spent the past 48 hours either:

  1. on the phone with someone from Lipscomb

or    2. emailing (multiple) people from Lipscomb.

basically with the goal of trying to help me figure my life out… after I thought I had it all figured out already, dangit.

(thanks for that reminder, God. Just wish it was more subtle this time ’round).

~

A few weeks ago I wrote about confidence issues in the classroom.

Quickly after I realized it wasn’t just confidence issues.

It was I don’t want to be here issues.

I stopped asking myself if I was capable, and started asking myself if I really wanted this.

Did I want to do this my whole life? If I was drudging through through student teaching miserable, what would happen in my own classroom? Could I handle every aspect of teaching on my own? Could I deal with the pressure on top of everything else expected of teachers?  I wasn’t sure.

My professors gave me a 3 day break from student teaching to gather my bearings and try to see if I could re-start my placement after a break to regroup.

Every night leading up to returning last Monday was filled with panic, misery, and breakdowns. I knew then that this wasn’t going to work.

I decided it wasn’t worth it for my mental health and sanity to sit around and wait it out.

So I quit. 

Normally I’d be ashamed if I quit something. This time, I’m not.

I was instantly relieved. A little scared, yes. But mostly, pure relief.

Some things are just not worth it, guys. And in this season, losing all I’ve gained back of my mental health over the past year is not worth the stress I was in after 3 weeks. It just wasn’t.

Maybe I’ll go back to it in the future. Maybe I’ll find a different role in education (already thinking that route).

Maybe I’ll chase a new dream I haven’t even discovered yet. Maybe this is just a time to breathe, and not worry so much about the future. (I wish).

Frankly, I don’t have a clue yet.

That in itself scares me to death. 

But sometimes, you just have to do the scary thing. Even if you don’t know what that thing is just yet.

Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, take a deep breath, and start all over. 

Shauna Niequist, always able to eloquently say what my brain is thinking.

At the time I’m writing this, I’m not 100% sure what the logistical plan is. I’ve had about 5 professors conversing via email about it on my behalf this afternoon/evening. I might not know for sure until Monday, but it looks like if I can get my classes in order, I can graduate with my Writing degree in December. It’ll be hard work. (Really hard). But I’m up for the challenge.

Choosing to do the scary thing is not my norm. But, I’m ready for something new… even if it’s bound to scare me half to death.

here’s to believing the fear is worth it.

here’s to new, unfinished chapters.

here’s to brand new.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “brand new.

  1. Pingback: What i Learned in August | Writeable moments

  2. Pingback: same {Five Minute Friday} | Writeable moments

  3. Pingback: 2am tears. | Writeable moments

  4. Pingback: what a year of brave looks like. | Writeable moments

  5. Pingback: my right now, redux. – Writeable moments

  6. Pingback: leaving the now. – Writeable moments

  7. Pingback: learning how to dream. – Writeable moments

  8. Pingback: god-inspired dreams (and learning how to dream them). – Writeable moments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s