31 days | day 27 {on memorizing failures}

So, I did write yesterday, but it was super early in the morning. (like 2am). I was planning on writing another post for 31 days later in the day, but I ended up having a miserable day at work, so I came home, put on my pajamas, and was in bed at 8 o’clock. It was much needed. I didn’t sleep til about 10 (because I was re-watching Annie Downs’ Q Women talk. It gets better every time), but still got about 12 hours of sleep. Hallelujah amen.

Tonight’s prompt is perhaps, but I’m going off the grid again. Partially because at this point in 31 days, I actually have things I want to write about. Imagine that! I will use the prompt for tomorrow, because I actually was planning on today’s post to be about it… glad I checked before I wrote it! haha 🙂

Anywho. Onto what I want to write about.

I am big Bob Goff fan- my copy of Love Does is literally falling apart.

Like me, he uses social media a lot to convey his thoughts. He always says the most wonderful things, usually right when I need them. He also says things that I need, even when I don’t want to hear them. Today was one of those days.

I tend to re-post quotes he posts on instagram because I find them relevant to me. Today’s was no exception:

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“we spend a lot of time memorizing failures God spent a lot of love saying we could forget.”

Well, darnit. It’s like he is in my head, y’all.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, actually. There was a post or blog of some sort that provoked this thought, but apparently I have completely blanked on what it is. Ooops. Anyhow, I have been thinking about this memorizing failures thing a lot, because… well, I do it.

I am the worst at forgiving myself for my mistakes.  

Honestly, I’m the worst at forgiving myself, period

I have always kept a record of all my wrongs in my head. Every bad grade, every fight I’ve had, every argument, every time I’ve put my foot in my mouth, every embarrassing moment… I remember them all. I replay them, like a film in my head.. constantly showing me my wrongdoings. I’ve never let myself forget. I remember the day I got my first B in school– and trust me, I’ve gotten worse than a B since then– but I’ll never forget that day, and the crushing disappointment I felt towards myself for that stupid B.

I hold grudges against myself.

And I’ve never, ever let myself live my failings down. 

Yet God. God does the impossible. He sets us free from the mistakes, the failings, the foot-in-mouth situations.  He takes every mess-up, every embarrassing moment, every failure, every screw up I’ve had… and he washes them away. He gives me grace— that both takes me as I am, and changes me inside out.

Yet I live like grace isn’t on the table for me, despite his giving it freely.

 I don’t have to earn my keep by making up for the mess ups I’ve made. Yet I live like I do. 

He took every thing I’ve done and nailed it to the cross. Yet I still live like the cross didn’t save me. 

He died for me and my failings. He loves me so much that he literally died for me. And yet, I can’t love myself enough to let the stupid mistakes I’ve made go. Or let Him love me enough to see how those failings are worth nothing to him. Both are problems for me.

Sarah Bessey wrote on a previous post of hers: “Workers, you are now heirs, live like it.”

I no longer have to work for salvation. I no longer have to keep a tally of the good and bad things I’ve done– and neither does God. it has been washed away. I am an heir now, because of the cross that saved me. Yet why can’t i live like it?

I know I don’t deserve it. Yet, He’s given me freedom to live it, deserving or not. But I can’t. I don’t know why, but I still live in this place where freedom hasn’t saved me.

God forgives me of my wrongs, and takes my messed up self as-is. So why can’t I?

i don’t even know where to start…

Gave it All-Michaela McLaird “you saw treasure where I saw shame” ❤ ❤ ❤

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4 thoughts on “31 days | day 27 {on memorizing failures}

  1. Tara

    I have a copy of Love Does but haven’t had a chance to read it. I am going to have to move it closer to the top of the pile after reading your post today.

    Like

  2. Pingback: joyful in hope. | Writeable moments

  3. Pingback: 31 days | day 29 {fmf} | Writeable moments

  4. Pingback: What I Learned In October. | Writeable moments

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