This is a post in my 31 Days series. Don’t know what that means? Go here!
Five minute Friday time! This week’s word: trust.
Oh boy. is that a word I love. /not
When I think of trust, and this season of life, I think of this prayer from Thomas Merton; I have it framed on my desk, a gift from my English department at our senior dinner:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death,
I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
It has been a season of scary. A season of absolute mess… to the point where I’m sick of living in it. I’m sick of writing about this chapter. I’m exhausted from everything that has happened since August, and am ready for something new.
Except I have no clue what that new thing is.
I have no idea where I’m going, or what is next. I’m dreaming about it, sure, but dreams don’t pay bills. or loans.
I want to have concrete plans. I want a direct “here’s what you’re going to do with your life” answer, instead of this guessing game I’m playing. I want to have purpose, to have something to work towards again. I want a logical solution to all my current life problems– school, the future, home life, Cozumel stuff. I want to know what choices to make, what is the best decision.
My friend earlier this week told me I had to throw logic out the window. To think crazy and dream a little– to think about every single solution I can come up with. (that’s a bit overwhelming).
I need to focus on the next step in front of me, instead of the step a few months or years from now.
It’s okay to not have it all together, I’m learning. It’s just a hard lesson to learn when you thought you had it all together already.
It’s okay to not have it all figured out, even if I thought I did– or desperately want to have it figured out (oh, how I do!).
I’m learning to stop trusting in my plans. To stop trusting in whatever logic or practical thing I need to do next. And to start trusting that He’s got something much bigger, better, and more beautiful planned than what I can come up with on my own.
I just have to stop trusting my own power, and start trusting in Him. His plans are a lot more bold, a lot more wild than my logical ideas will ever be. And He’ll lead me where He wants me– even if I don’t know where yet.
Because God can do so much more than what I think is logical or pracitical.
“I will trust here in the mystery; I will trust in You completely”
“You taught my feet to dance upon the disappointment.” Amen.